justagirl

9/6/08
I have a secret. I seen him last night. I wanted to last weekend and a friend "rescued" me in the nic of time and I went over to her house instead. I only told one person that I was on my way to see him.

Then yesterday I knew I was going to. I tried to fight it and I don't know why I had such the urge. I have had a down couple of days and I have so much blame on him. I wanted to cry with him since it is his fault and I wanted him to comfort me.

He did. I spent the night. I don't regret it today and I don't really know what is going on in my head or my heart with this.

It was like the old days on my dads front porch. The old guy. The one I fell in love with. Oxymoronic. Beautifully scary. Painfully comfortable. Good. Bad. Right. Wrong. Positive. Negative.

I have to make sure that I am careful. He has things to prove. I have faith, but I don't believe him. I hear his words and I love them, but I don't believe them.

Next time..... I watched the fights with him at his brother's house. We sat on the couch together it was sadly comfortable. I don't know if this is good for me or not. Probably not. I told him it would be awhile before I saw him again. There is no reason to during the week. We are not dating. I have my kids next weekend and would prefer that the whole entire clan didn't know anything just yet. He has wounds to heal with other's as well.

Out of six kids. I have three that think it is my business (two are way under age to even understand what the hell happened except that we broke up and he moved out) and I have three that would pretty much chastise me for even texting him regularly.... not two mention my two best est friends. He fucked up way bad this time. Ya this time like in more than once. Ugly, I know. Stupid, I KNOW. Forgiving??? Optimistic??? Hopeful??? Naive???..... ugh!! the saga continues..... as I am justagirl

9/9/08
What the F is wrong with me???!!! I sent him a dear john letter today- email. I have my suspicions that he is emailing an old girlfriend- Rachael to be exact. I should have no part of this... (i miss the little things, like you laying your head in my lap) what was I thinking?

I was thinking... that if he was starting to email her (I know what you are thinking, you are thinking that I am out running around and seeing all these girls and I'm not) and he knew that there was this possibility of a chance because he (loves me so much and misses me so much) that he would stop dead in his tracks and realize how much he really does love me and miss me and that he f'd up so badly that he has so much to do to (win me back and I know that I hurt other people as well) that he can't even think of another girl.

I was thinking.... that I am so very lonely that this is painful and he is comfortable and we could be friends until I thought something might be going on with someone else- even if it is just an "innocent" email or text. I don't believe in innocent and it sure as fuck didn't take me long to think something now did it???

When we were together and I thought something I didn't want it to be true and it was anyway. What makes me think things would be any different now when we are not even together???

I hate this. Now I feel lonely again and I didn't for that.... two days.... and I maybe feel that I want to take back the email... but I can't he's not good for me... like an addiction.... but I don't like to feel lonely and I can stop the feeling...... with just a text..... I do love him. I LOVE HIM. But I didn't do this to us HE DID (I took you for granted and I'm the one that pushed you away and for that I am sorry).....

He's sorry.... He's emailing someone else..... He will prove it to me... but he's emailing someone else...... (I think). I think that I know....

Maybe he has done so much damage that I can't be with him because I would be this crazy fool always wondering- NO THANK YOU VERY MUCH SAYS MY STOMACH, MY HEAD, I just couldn't take that. My heart says NO his is serious this time, really...... I can't take the pain....


9/10/08

So much for "shut 'er down mikey".... he called after the email... I heard his voice, I cracked. I'm weak. I'M WEAK I TELL YOU!!! WEAK!!!! wtf??!!

I want to believe him..... there's damage.....

Here we go...... again.....

9/15/08
I'm not sure about how this is going. My oldest daughter and middle son aren't talking to me. My oldest son is cordial, but talks shit about him behind his back. My middle daughter thinks it is no one else's business and the other two are just young. We hung out a bit this weekend. He came over and fixed a ceiling fan and spent the night and then we hung out some to watch football.

I want to believe him with all my heart, but there just may be too much damage and I can't take this with my family. They are hurting my feelings, BAD. I am the mother after all, not too bad of one, but not the child- this is MY life..... No??

10/14/08

The middle of the month.

I sent him another email this morning- kinda, sorta lining out my intentions.... that some day there will be no more texting or emailing. I don't know why I keep hanging on a little here and a little there.

I seen him again this weekend. It all felt like it was innocent enough. I had coupons for cigarettes. I told them about them a week or so ago.

To be honest, I really don't think I want to see him anymore. It is uncomfortable. And I think he thinks things.

Everytime we have gotten together (twice I think, actually), I have had something totally different in mind than what really happened.

I didn't want to see him when T came over with him. I was tired. I didn't want to drink. I didn't want company and I didn't stick up for myself as strongly as I should have.

I think, secretly, I wanted to see him. Just see him. But then she played cupid and I was mad at myself and mad at her.

I did have things to say to him, but I think..... when I went over and hung out with him that first night.... Im not sure what took place.

My intentions: were to go over cry at him, yell at him and just GET IT ALL OUT. I mean after all he is the one who hurt me and I needed him to know- like he didn't already know.

It went well. I didn't really get it all out, but the scenerio was happening as planned. He held me like I wanted and I cried a lot. Then when I should have went home (fateful error) I didn't. He took that as me wanting sex I think. I didn't. We did anyway. I mean it wasnt like I said "NO". He assumed and I let it happen.

I thought I would regret it the next day more than I did. I kinda didn't.- Oh and I guess it's been three times now that I've seen him.

He came over to fix something for me..... ahhh the ceiling fan. It's not like I didn't have the boys try, I did. It was just way more complicated for me and two stoned teenagers could manage!

Some of the kids were so upset with me that it pissed me off and I rebelled and he spent the night and the majority of the next day.

I sent him a "dear John letter" by email...... Then I (why oh why AGAIN do I do this to myself and why do I think this way??- F!N! STUPID OF ME!!!) I (as in ME, MYSELF) felt bad for doing it in away and made sure that HE didn't feel bad by texting a little and then it got to be more and more....."..... but a little wouldn't do it so a little got more and more...." (GNR you know).

Am I stupid?? So..... I had these coupons. I invited him to have pizza with me and the younger ones after church. It was okay. I had planned on taking him home from the pizza place.... was just going to give the coupons, eat, hang out and then take him home... I had things to do.

But, NO.... I invited him over. WHY? Not sure really. He did fix the flag pole for me ( love flags and used to hang those cutesy girlie ones for every change of the season and holiday- then it broke... while he lived here... I was even given one for Mother's Day... while he lived here....).

He also strung the weed eater, but it didn't last long and when I'd eaten 5 feet the string wouldn't come out anymore.....

So, we hung out and drank beer and I went to bed and proceeded to pass out, he came and I left the door open and the kids were in and out. I think he fell asleep for a bit and then he went home.

I wasn't looking for sex. I didn't want sex from him the last two times. SO WHY DO I KEEP DOING THIS???

I told him (in an email- Im a fucking coward, I KNOW) that this "healing" is going to take a long time. That it is only prolonging it by texting him and emailing him..... and that eventually it is all going to have to stop.... that is pretty much what I said.......

WTF is wrong with me to keep dragging this out so long. I know what is going to happen. The lonliness is going to set in and it is going to bring some hurt with it, AND HE WAS WRONG not me and he will find the girlfriend before I am ready to date and HE WILL HAVE SOMEONE AND I WON'T and that will hurt too and if not then I will feel guilty for having someone and he doesn't (not that THAT will happen).

I should have let sleeping dogs lie, when they were sleeping..... AND SUCKED IT UP like a big girl!

12/7/08

Ooops! I did it again. (Britany who?)- all these songs just keep coming to my mnd.

I really have to STOP texting! REALLY! I text and it seems innocent enough and then alcohol and an urge and then I control the urge BUT it is now in his head. A little email, a little suggestion. I say I think its not a good idea..... He invites me to his Christmas party..... I have mixed feelings.... I don't want to go, but I do want to go. Im not sure why I DON'T want to go and Im not sure why I DO want to go either..... no time to really ponder.....

Actually the night before I had only the younger kids who like him. I even called the big kids to make sure they had plans, like Im having an affair!!! He came over and ended up spending the nite. No sex.

Then he goes home. Then I go to the party. Then Im uncomfortable n he is trashed (happy trashed) and I have two beers and we leave. I feel bad that we are leaving he seems to be having fun. But he leaves with me anyway...... and we have sex.

12/09/08

The whole time I'm on my way to the party I am thinking that this is a mistake. But I continue on feeling already committed. He was drunk, happy drunk, not embarrassing- I guess they were all embarrassing so he fit in. On the way home it felt like it used too, so maybe it wasn't totally his actions, perse, at that particular moment as it was the whole deluge of memories that it was bringing back.

How he is (or at least used to be) drunk all the time and loud and embarrassing, so I didn't really give him a chance- NO not that he deserves any kind of chance, but I am the one that agreed to hang out with him for the party. I just couldn't put on the party face once I got there.

He is loud in the store in his happy drunk way with the F bomb dropping loud and clear with a few others. We get home and I certainly DON'T want to have sex with this drunk person, but I know he's been waiting and he looks at me with such pain in his eyes expecting the "no" and I just can't say know. We do and it's good as usual (and the Self Esteem song by Offspring pops into my head- not in the middle or anything, but just right now).

Then when he is gone the next day I am so very lonely for him that I just almost can't take it. I cry, I drink, I wonder WTF!

I want so bad to believe his words and for him to be back in my life again. I didn't think that I would ever be single again. I KNEW that he loved me and adored me and I wanted that and I loved him and here I am back on rocky ground again. Shoulda woulda coulda's. Go thru my head for every aspect of my life right now. I feel.... defeated sometimes.


I kinda know WTF actually. I thought about it and thought about it yesterday. I love being adored- he adores me with his words and his immediate actions when he is next to me. BUT you know- it seems to me that he always adored me with his words so I have to be careful with that. His words don't mean anything........

He swears he's changed, but I don't' see the change so I can't believe him. Im really not even 100% sure that he is not seeing other people from time to time even tho he swears that he is not.

It has been 6 months now. I think I should see a change. I really want to see a change, but I really don't see any change at all except the fact that there is a possibility that he is keeping his dick in his pants..... and if that is really the case, then why didn't he protest when I asked him to use a condom??? He wouldn't have needed one. He could have said so. "Look baby that really isn't necessary" he didn't.

12/24/08

This is mostly the "dating experience and the ex-boyfriend area". Im not dating right now. Im not in the mood (go figure!! I MUST be growing up!) and I don't have time. As for the "ex-boyfriend" I should really REALLY be over him before I am even thinking of dating!

I am, kinda sorta, mostly. I mean I don't want to be with him. I so want to believe his words, but I am treating this as a domestic violence kind of realationship in that- usually in those relationships he hits her, says he's sorry, he won't do it again, he does it again, and she leaves BUT this time he REALLY IS VERY SORRY AND REALLY WON'T EVER DO IT AGAIN- HE HAS LEARNED THIS TIME. But, I think there is a pattern in relationships like that.

Inlcuding mine. He had the internet moment- it didn't mean anything, he didn't realize it was wrong even tho- he lied and he hid it. If he didn't think it was wrong, why would you have to do that in the first place, it would be open for all to see then more of a "deer in the headlights look"- huh? you mean Im not supposed to talk to other girls on the internet. Really I didn't know, it was innocent, I mean look, it's out there in the open for all to see..... kind of thing, but that wasn't the way it happened. This was private chat rooms and shutting those down whenever my daughter walked by and then lying to me and then lying about the phone calls til I got the bill- like what??? I don't look at my bill?? But it was innocent you know....

Then there was "Tanya" which was a huge sexual thing, but I forgave him because of the tragedy of Corey. I kinda "thought" I knew what was going on in his head. The grief, the saddness, the need to take care of what was Corey's. She was coming on very strong and I think she wanted him to take Corey's place...... I think HE wanted to take Cory's place. We should have NEVER got back together at that point, EVER.

But, then to have a down right- behind my back kind of affair for a long period of time, with my daughter-in-law no less (who was not ever innocent in any of her relationships and we all knew this and knew what she was doing)......

So, now that he is moved out..... he is really REALLY sorry. This time he really REALLY means it. It won't EVER happen again.

No, I have to say that it won't ever happen again. There will be no chance for it to ever happen again.

I still have greif and we still text and a tiny piece of me (getting smaller and smaller as time goes on) wants to believe this time that I KNOW he has really really changed and would NEVER EVER do it again.

But, I hear his words and I really see no change in his life, so what is there to really REALLY make me think that this time he really, REALLY means it?? NOTHING, really REALLY!!

01/08/09

The last time that he came over and we slept together. I didn't even really want to and Im not sure why. Maybe I know that it is really over and why go thru the motions. I also thought that I would be the one hurting him.

But, that was not the case. I was pretty devistated for two days. I knew that I shouldn't have gone to the party in the first place. I didn't even want him to sleep in my bed.

I also thought I was tototally cool if we slept together. So, then after that I got to thinking about how hard it was going to be when he "found" someone else. More like when I find out that he "found" someone else. It's not like he is going to tell me.

After missing the twins (and a little sister) birthday party- I was invited- I never remember dates. Usually when I don't show up not only do I have him calling me and asking if I am coming, but I have his sister-in-law calling and asking where Im at.

Now, don't get me wrong, this NEEDS to happen and I really couldn't afford another mother fucking birthday in Decemeber, but to be lied to and deceived. Oh??? Is this something new?? Oh?? Am I really surprised?? WTF is wrong with me?? DUH!!

So, when Christmas rolls around Im thinking, hmmm when the fuck was that birthday?? So, Rachel DID go. I think I KNOW this in my heart of hearts.

I think it was confirmed this morning when I got an email from the sister in-law and it was also addressed to Rachel. They weren't even friends before, that I know of. She was over there once before and the sister-in-law was like "Im not even sure why shes here" (again DUH!). So, now all of the sudden they are email buddies.

Like I said it needs to happen, but why does he keep texting me and trying to deny it. Actually his words were "I haven't slept with anyone but you" since the last time he fucked up. But, he also told me.....

He is GREAT for this....... This is his "M-O".....

She is a Mormon, she wouldn't sleep with me (or something along those lines) NOT that he's NOT interested. The same as with Sperry..... I wouldn't fuck her she slept with a nigger. Not that "oh honey, I love you, Im faithful to you, I wouldn't hurt YOU like that" No not that. I knew right then he would sleep with her. He was never that faithful of a "skin" to pass up a young, pretty piece of ass. Oh and the Britanya thing.... "she's cool" "she's just a friend" AGAIN not, look honey, you're the one I love..... Stupid.

It was the same with Amberlie- I wouldn't do that she is Jeffrey's wife.

I DON'T want him. I haven't wanted him for a long time. Not even while we were still living together.

I mean I loved him, for what ever that means.

But, I was tired of supporting him. Tired of cleaning up after him. Tired of asking him to help around the house. Tired of him not fixing things with all his time off.

He is an alcoholic- an honest to goodness- shakes until a first drink- alcoholic.

He has no motivation to get divorced, they have been seperated for something like......10-12 years. She has lived in another state with NO contact with him for..... 6-8 years or more.

He has no motivation to get a better job. He would LITERALLY make more money working at McDonalds than he does right now doing what he is doing.

He has no motivation to get his drivers license. He has no car. He lives with his parents.

And thru all this (as I discovered after the Christmas party thing) that it is really going to hurt when he finally does 'fess up to seeing Rachel, if that is what is going on.

Besides a dyke that swings both ways and her- Im not too sure that there is anyone else that would want to even fuck him. Well, that's what everyone else tells me anyway.

But, if he can find all this ass while we are living together, what makes me think he still can't when he has no ties.....

I think he is stringing me along. uh oh, is this another DUH?? I guess it hurts to not be worth someones effort. ESPECIALLY his. I have this stupid theory.

I don't have much self worth. It has to do with that.

Why am I so attracted to tattoos and certain kinds of guys??

01/30/2009

Well I didn't hear from him texting- we just kinda quit- for a week. We still don't text, but he emailed me yesterday. Hi, how are ya, still need help with the dogs kinda thing.

Good. Nope. You?

Good. busy. moving.

That was it. I feel good about the situation. I'm a little lonely a lot of the time, but I am doing good.

I feel like I am really single. Not ready to date, but a single person. I'm o.k. with that.

04/09/2009 Passover. Put red around the doors to protect your first born.....

Well, I know that I slept with him once this year. I thought it was sometime in Jan, but I guess it had to be Feb. and it had to be after Valentines. We haven't talked since. He helped me move my mothers things from storage. I really did need the help. The first weekend it was me and Ben.

The next weekend it was me and Ben and then Rich came and helped with the couch AND Im not sure if he was there that day or not. I think yes. He came again the following weekend for sure and we got it all done! All of it.

He said that he quit texting because he seen a truck (the work truck that I drove home to move my moms stuff) and thought he would back off. I thought that was quite nice of him.

A couple of weeks later my car broke down and I drove a different work truck home and I kinda giggled at the thought- if he just happend to drive by or have someone else see it there. And then when Lorianne was here she had rented a red Mustang and she was there for a week and then traded it in for a white one.

My dad even stopped by to see who it was. Ha!Ha! We haven't text at all since the last time in Feb. I text him last weekend to see about the grill in my back yard. Im going to give it to my son. Then yesterday when my other son wanted his daughters phone number. But, that is it.

I was doing EXCEPTIONALLY well for a few weeks. Not looking at other guys really, not caring. having my own stuff to do.

Then all of the sudden- a little twinge, a little lonliness, a little checkin things out here and there- flirting....

I believe that I am not ready. I don't know for sure. I feel o.k., good actually. Maybe just a little impatient, aprehensive.

Im not even sure I would know what to do with a man except for sex. I want a real relationship this time. Not one based on sex. But, I don't know how to do that. And what is the difference if it starts out sexual and then goes from there or not??

I mean I was married for 13 years once and it started out as sexual and we would still be married if he wouldn't have been so dam mean and hurtful and angry. If I would have just been a little more worldly maybe, a little tougher....

Then I was married for 7 years (well 5 of them acutally living together married). That was also a sexual relationship, but he was so young I think. Hadn't really sown them wild oates.

But, Im also thinking....

I really don't want another broken heart.

I don't really want to date.

I just want to be in a loving, fun, satisfying, safe, beautiful, faithful, caring, honest, deep, fullfilling, worthwhile relationship! Someone who is comfortable to be around. Someone who enjoys being with me too and doing things together and has their own friends and the same type of interests and goals and who could love my kids and love me enough. Enough to be thoughtful, faithful, respectful and trustworthy.

I wonder if he is even out there. For ME I mean. Someone just for me or have I used up all my chances?? Is there really someone out there?? Is it really so much to ask for??

I have no possibilities at the moment. NONE! Not ONE! There hasn't been one real possibility.

I have (almost) joined the singles group at church. I really need to know how to go about this whole relationship thing in the first place. I need to finish reading "The Ten Commandments of Dating" and see exactly what that says.

Aghhh!!!! *&^%