iTs ALL iN My hEaD

9/06/08
I am trying this new thing. Maybe a type of meditation.... "be still and know......" to sit for- 10, 15 minutes a day. Just sit and be still and do nothing.

Now if I do this at the right time of the day, usually in the a.m. when all are sleeping and all is quiet and I have coffee so that when I sit to be still I don't actually fall asleep, it works.

Now I am curious. I can't turn off my head- no way no how. Just can't. So one version that I recently read said to let your mind go.... just go at random and wander. It says that you may think of a bad break up and it may be more painful in your head than you remember it being, you may remember things here and there good and bad from your past. Also that soon enough when you sit and be still after a period of time all those things will be fewer and fewer inbetween and not last as long and somehow this is getting it all out.

So does that apply for everything. I mean if I sit and be still and mundane things go thru my head first....... I don't have time to sit here, I should be cleaning something... how much time do I actually have before I have to wake up the kids and not be late, the grocery list, did I turn the water off on the front lawn, can I take a sip of coffee while I am sitting here being still?, I should have gone to the gym this a.m....... all those things would go thru my head if I just let it wander. Or am I supposed to let it wander in a controlled type of wandering??? Like o.k. I am going to think of this period in my life, kind of wandering.

For the most part when I sit to be still I cry. I am so stressed and this is such a painful time in my life that is all I can do when I am alone and don't have something occupying my time. I break down and sob and think of all the things that are making me cry. Maybe that is really good for now and I should just stick with that and get all this particular crap out of my head.

Hey look, for now I think I just answered my own question.....

Unfortunately, I have only had time twice since I read the article.

Once I sobbed and it brought me all the way back to being a little girl. She is sitting hugging her legs, rocking back and forth and we are sobbing together. I don't touch her for I know she doesn't want to be touched. I don't know why she is crying only why I am crying. I sit by her and gently let the side of my foot touch the side of her foot. And we sit and cry. Then soon I stop and soon she stops, she is still rocking, but somehow I feel that she is comforted for the moment, in a safe way and her breathing is that racking sound your body makes after a long, good, hard cry.

I get up and 15 minutes had gone by.

The next time I have a hard time and sit and think of the mundane things- 10 minutes go by and that is all I can take before the busy body inside me takes over.

Would take time now, but I would fall asleep.

The next time..... this was yesterday 9/7/08 I'm not sure for how long I sat, maybe 20 minutes or maybe 30. This time I went back to Alaska. There were some friends that I was not allowed to hang out with back then (the main one, 30 years later, we are still friends and still in touch). I lied one time saying that I was going to church and we went on top of the mountain (Mt Edgecomb? or maybe that was on the other island- it's been too long) we drank and smoked pot and I can still picture this serene scene in my head as I stood atop this mountain and looked down into this beatuful, tree filled, flowing with flowers valley down below. It looked like a painting the air was so crisp and still and it was so quiet up there. The memory haunts me beautifully to this day. I remember getting beat for that by my mother's boyfriend and also grounded for an extreme period of time, but to this day it was way worth it.

I cried and cried over those times. Highschool, the fishy smell of the ocean, the crunch beneath my feat when I walked on the partially frozed ground, the friends, thinking of my ex-boyfriend, he was my first love. I have always missed that place. I never wanted to leave.

The memories also told me that I do have so many regrets. So many shoula woulda coulda's go thru my head. Things I did and shouldn't have and didn't do that I should've. You can't turn back time.

Then when my mind started wandering to my "grocery list" I quit sitting. I went and bought beer to waste more of my time and drank it with someone most of my family wouldn't approve of..... such is my life......