Be Still and Know.....

9/22/08





"re:direct" re: the art of starting over based on Joshua ch1&3





Went to church yesterday. There was this one time, a long time ago, when I was going to church regularly for the first time ever in my life. My husband didn't like it. He thought I was doing it on purpose to get time away from him. Ya, well you know, if the shoe fits....





I remember going thru my divorce. I had just got baptized not too long before and was so very unsure- being this new Catholic and all, if I was supposed to get a divorce, you know? I was confused. You are supposed to be married only once. But, what about this? and what about that? I wasn't getting physically abused, but there were other damaging emotional issues that I was going thru with him and so much of the time I wished I were physically getting beat so that I would at least have something to show for the pain he was putting me thru. Kind of like how "cutters" cut to ease the emotional pain that they are in because it is so unbearable.





So, did I have reason for divorce in God's eyes? or was this going to be a terrible sin as a newly baptized Catholic girl/wife/mother?





I was on the phone talking and crying with my bestest friend and time and again before that I would tell her that I swear God is talking directly to me thru the Priest!! I would have a problem and lo and behold the sermon would be about just that.... now not every single Sunday mind you, but those "pivotal moments" of complete crisis and confusion in my life!! I would ponder something and be concerned and confused for days n days, weeks, or months and then Wa!La! just like that a sermon on my problem.





So, after yaking with her on the phone she decided to come to church with me for emotional support.





It was about the escape of Israel out of the bonds of Egypt!! About how yes they should leave and not look back and about how yes it is going to be painful and hard and you must not look back but go forth...... that was the sermon. I cried. She cried. She said that "I guess you got your answer". It was like I was talking to God that morning on the phone and she heard it too.





I will always remember that as being this HUGE pivotal moment in my life.





I had one of those yesterday at church, again. So much so that I had to call my bestest girlfriend and tell her because the whole time I was sitting there in church- years and years later, in a Protestant church, wondering about another relationship I was thinking of that pivotal moment in my life.





Here, for 3 years now I have been confused. I was living differently for the past three years than I ever had before (bad), living with a boyfriend, drinking way too much- WAY TOO MUCH all the time, and stopped going to church.





Like, I went from finding this church with husband #2 10 years ago. Going to church every Sunday and even volunteered Sunday school. Then we divorced and the church stepped in. They gave me counseling and I took solace and comfort in my newly discovered faith- which one shouldn't confuse with "getting baptized" or just "going to church" as faith.





My kids and I went every single Sunday for both services. The first one I was in Sunday school class and they were in service and the second they were volunteering and I was in church. It worked out great!





They liked it, I liked it. If we didn't go to church for whatever reason they would freak out come Monday morning and tell me that "it can't be Monday we didn't go to church yet"





Then.... the boyfriend moved in- and I'm scared of marriage, so my thought pattern changed and I didn't think it so bad "living with someone" as opposed to going thru another divorce.





Now, I think I realize- don't know if I've been beaten enough yet on this one- that there is a reason that God wants marriage as opposed to living with someone. It's just a realization mind you, a little fleeting knowledge that creeps up here and there. I won't attempt to "get churchy" and explain. This knowledge is for my personal benefit, for my personal situation and no one has walked in my shoes and I've not walked in theirs.





But, I kinda knew it was wrong for me. I had guilt. I lost sleep over it. I prayed about it (in my own way, please Father, forgive me for this, but I am going to keep doing it and I just want you to overlook it and make it okay- because I believe in you and I love you and I know that you love me and you can make anything right and perfect).





Yea those were my prayers as I lived with a man that I barely knew and started drinking myself into oblivion and quit going to church almost completely.





He was willing to go to church- he even got baptized. It's just with all that hard partying on Saturday night and not going to bed until all hours and having the worst hangover, EVER time and again, I was just not feeling good enough to go. Then missing one or two times turned in to quitting Sunday school because I was "living in sin" and I knew being part of the church "body" that this was unacceptable in the position that I was in and gave me another excuse to miss yet more days without having the guilt, because now I just wasn't allowed to volunteer in that particular position.





So, here it is September, three years later. I have gone to church twice this year (not including yesterday). Once was to check out the new pastor. I didn't like him. Used that for an excuse not to go. Another was when Kurt Warner, the Arizona Cardinals quarterback, came and did a sermon. Those were the only two times.





I have had a bad year with all the stuff, mom stuff, kid stuff and then (ex)boyfriend stuff. I heard the calling- again- and thought I really do need to go back. Just before the (ex)boyfriend and I split up in the very beginning of summer I was able to go back to church and do the "Sunday school" thing again.





A few times I had inquired here and there to make sure the policy hadn't changed, mostly to alleviate my guilt and try and make myself have a commitment that would make me go to church regularly again.





Then the church structure changed. A lot of things changed at our church and I inquired again and then on one of the times that I actually went to service, I ran into my old supervisor and she told me she had been praying about it and had brought it up to... someone... and that they were going to make an exception.





I felt good, privileged- on my way back to church again. Started going and doing it- . Then the frying pan and my boyfriend was cheating and I knew when she said she had been praying and I knew when they let me come back that God had ulterior motives for my life. HE is just not going to bend the rules because I am his spoiled and privileged little precious daughter. Ooooohhhhh Noooooo........ HE HAD A PLAN. Uh huh, the frying pan!!





And I had this calling, again. I printed up local Christian churches in my area and had planned to attend one or more of them until I found just the right one, or talk with some of the people that left our church when things changed so drastically, to see where they went. But, I hate change. I am not good with it and I got an email from the pastor (generated church wide) and in his email he talked about change- not only change in our church, but change in our personal life. Now remember, I don't like change.



I thought uh-oh I have to go to church. I really haven't given the new pastor a fair chance. I am glad that I went. The sermon was good. God had a really good talk with me. Now I have to figure some things out without getting hit with the frying pan.



for you have not passed this way before... as in it may seem like I am going thru the same ol' same ol' with the cheating men and with being alone AGAIN, but he says this time around I am a different person going thru what appears to be the same thing with a different person.

He wants me to have faith, courage, commitment to "cross over the threshold", crossing the threshold is a part of moving forward. He wants to teach me the benefits of embracing change.

The entrance into a new opportunity; not to stay or go, but to obey or not (frying pan). He specifically spoke to me about... 1)being in an unhealthy relationship 2) my church involvement and 3) my abuse of alcohol. Those were specifically mentioned by the pastor.

Of course they were!

The entrance into a new way of doing things; stripped of my comfortability and my security to strengthen my dependence on him. Embrace a new way of following him. Some things we make permanent what God intended to be temporary. The pastor thinks we need to put an expiration date on things. That is something to ponder. On what I wonder? Exactly, in my life....

The entrance into a new beginning always begins with new commitments.

Crossing over thresholds means crossing that boundary of security and comfortableness.

What thresholds have I crossed over in my life?? From as far back as I can remember??

One thing that I know for sure, like FOR SURE FOR SURE is that I need to be comfortable and embrace being single and to think with all of my heart and soul that I would rather be alone than be in a relationship not of God. I have to get that thru my thick skull or nothing will change in my relationships with men. They will always appear to be the same thing over and over again. The drugs or the cheaters......

That is for sure a threshold as far as "relationships" go with me. I must commit to keep my drinking under absolute control or quit. Simple as that. I have known this for sometime, but just never wanted to do anything about it. And I must I must i know for sure get back on track with church- even if it does mean finding a new one, which I hope not.

Now getting my bigger kids to go and be committed after I f'd it all up will be quite the task if at all possible!! Thresholds, smesholds.

And then.... just some other random stuff to ponder on later, to fix, to improve, to rewrite......








But, mostly my whole life God has been a calling of some sorts, for years and years




I kept getting this crazy feeling, or thought or something about how I needed to go to church. I would have it for like months and months and then it would go away. And then it would come back and go away- for years this happened to me. My step mom and I used to always talk about going to church. She wanted to go to. The only church I ever knew was Catholic and she wanted to go and be one too. She never did.

Then one time I read that, if we are not careful God stops calling our name. If we ignore him long enough..... there is a possibility that he will just quit calling us. That scared me.

I think that is when I started going to St Bridget's. I knew some women from the twins club that went to that church. One of them ended up to be my Godmother. I don't even know her anymore. Carol Sullivan. I think of her often. The last time I seen her was at Word of Grace. She was going thru a divorce- he had cheated on her and left her for a younger woman, she had "the perverbial rug" pulled out from underneath her and a friend had brought her to church.

I was insensitive- she had a broken heart- I hadn't had one yet. We talked and she asked how I was and (even tho I wasn't and my marriage wasn't) I lied and said that life was great! and my marriage was great! Mostly, I didn't think she would want to hear that things were bad for me too. Now I know I hurt her and I know I invoked anger in her with my words. I went thru it shortly after that! AND then and ONLY THEN did I realize that I had hurt her. That was the last time I saw her. I think of her often. I pray for her often. I would like to be her friend again.

So then,......

You go to church and take a class here and there and inevitably you hear people's stories about "becoming Christian" this "pivotal moment" in their lives and just like getting hit with a frying pan they "got it", most after years and years of going. Ah the testimonials. They really are terrific and bring tears to the eyes, but I NEVER had that.





There was just something, always something there. I have always my whole entire life believed in God. For the majority of my life until I was... I don't know, maybe in my 20's even, I thought, literally every one in the whole wide world just knew there was a God and believed in him. I truly thought this. Even if they didn't act like it- for I didn't "act" like it. I just knew always that he was there.





So, I never got to have a "pivotal moment", my life is more like a series of pivotal moments, learning lessons, because I too have to be hit over the head with a frying pan- more than once or twice! God literally has to beat me 1/2 to death and then I go... "are you talking to me???- cuz I really thought you were talking about him or her, or them, but not me- I'm not like that, I don't do that, I don't think that, I wouldn't be like that" and come to find out "Oh Yes You Are" after I am reeling from the 3rd or 4th blow with the frying pan, why yes I am just like that aren't I? Or, I am supposed to do that, aren't I? I am supposed to be like that, aren't I?





So, I never really had a story a "testimony" to share..... until I was like 40

I was a single mom and this was my 40th birthday coming up. I was laying in bed and thinking I do want something for my birthday, I DO! But. it's not like I can say "hey kids"- they don't have money. So, where else did I have to go but to my Father. So, I was talking to him and said. It's my 40th birthday. What I'd really like is a car. I really need a car. I know that money isn't an object for you and speaking of money, a little extra money would be great! Oh! and a boyfriend for I am lonely. I know that you can do all these things. I may not deserve them, but you could provide them. Not, that Im expecting anything at all. I don't know if I even deserve these things, but it says that I can ask for anything and so..... I am. And I did, with the heart and mind of a child. Just me giving Dad my big Christmas list so to speak.

On my 40th birthday party I even announced it that I made my request. A couple of months later I was told by my ex-husband that I had to refinance our house and take his name off of it. So, I did. In the process I ended up with money enough to buy me a car and I had money left over and by December I had a boyfriend.

May not have been the perfect of perfects, but all of my requests were granted. That is my very first testamony!

10/03/08- I think. T.G.I.F

I haven't been to church in two weeks. Well, I went last week for the two year old class. I was going to stay for second service, but found out there was no second service anymore. Crazy how much church has changed! I wonder what our attendance is?? We went from four services to two when the pastor semi- retired!

I even thought about changing churches, but na.

Our church started a fast this week. No alcohol, no caffine, no meat and no deserts. Well....... I think the first mess up was right after Tommy's funeral I ate a sandwich- with deli meat. I didn't care, I was being reblious. Then I was craving a soda. Nothing goes better with a sandwich and chips than a soda. BUT, I held strong thru that one... ya it was hard. So I get back to the office and co worker offers me a nice cold diet coke. Im glad the strong craving is gone or that would have been all she wrote!! I declined.

Then a couple of hours later, I get that weird chest pain again. BAD. I hate that, feel like Im gonna have a heart attack! It was probably the anxiety from not having the soda!! I drink the soda (it is like gas pains in my chest and YES believe it or not carbination works). And it comes back later that night at home and I have no soda, but I have a beer. So I had ONE beer. ONE.

So, really REALLY screwed up that day!!

Yesterday I had an appt with my son and we went to Jack N the Box for breakfast after. I ate meat again. I really didnt think about it when I was ordering. I was thinking of leaving off the sauce and the cheese and how much better it tastes with the sauce and the cheese, BUT I remembered no caffine. So I didnt' order the soda (again) that I wanted. And last night with the migrane at home I drank four beers.

Tonight is a wedding too! Sunday is a babyshower (yes, we drink at baby showers, birthdays- even if its a kids, weddings, bar b q's, holiday's, Friday nights, Saturday nights, football season ect..... WE DO THAT around here). I'm wondering how Im going to hold out. Hmmmm......

Well, I did change my rountine a bit and that is making me feel good. I have time slots in the morning so that I am not lost on the computer for two hours. Yoga is at 5:15, just like a class. Shower is no later than 6:am which is right now so I have to go. Wake the kids up at 6:15. Clean/ and breakfast until 7 and be ready by 7:30!!!

So far everything going good but the be ready by 7:30. That only happend yesterday AND then I had the appt with my son and had to sit around for 30 min. before we left.

Ahhh.... such is life.....

10/12/08
Didn't make it to church last weekend. Had a terrible hangover. TERRIBLE!! I wanted to go so bad too. Today is a Sunday school day so no service for me.

I started off my "staycation"- as so dubbed by a co-worker for those of us who use vacation time and stay at home.

My staycation started off terrible. At first I had money. Lots of money if I were to so choose. Then all went haywire the eve of the beginning of my staycation, at the store no less, with three of my kids. At the check out I tried one card.... should have had $160 on it (lots of money to me). Now on this one (as I had the kids with me) I could have over spent. I was thinking, at the time, that I had $200 on it so.... but not to worry I have my main acct card with me too. $300 in savings and $300 in checking. I KNOW this because I just transferred money from savings to checking to be able to pay my house payment. I had some house payment money in my wallet also in the form of child support and a monthy expense check from work- and the rest coming in my next direct depsoit the day after the beginning of my staycation. Soo I felt RICH!!!

That card didn't work either. Its a small bank so no one was able to help me at that time of night (maybe 7:30). Soooo off to the bank we go while the groceries all bagged wait for us in the cart. Talk about embarrassing!! I have NEVER had that happen before!

My checking acct bal.? ZERO!! My savings acct bal.? ZERO!! WTF??!!

Well being diligent and not wanting to forget to make my house payment I had gone on line earlier in the week and made a payment to be taken out the Monday after my staycation. And YES, you guessed it....... BUT NOOOO, they took it out that day. Earlier in the day, that day of the beginning of my staycation. So, I have NO MONEY now. NONE.

I will worry about it tomorrow, I think. I still have money in my wallet to cash. Well come to find out the next day, a personal, out of state check is VERY hard to cash- impossible. My main acct was farther in the hole than what I had in my wallet because of the mortgage company, so I still had no money.

I stood in the kitchen that morning crying to God. I want money. I am so tired of being poor and so tired of this and of that and what was I going to do this weekend. I needed grocery money out of it (hell my house payment was made, right??), and gas money and and and. The next thing I know my daughter just hands me $120 to do the shopping that I wanted to do the night before.

I cried. This meant a lot.

She has been wanting to get contacts and had been saving her money, but can't go down unless I am with her seeing as she is not 18 yet. Earlier that morning when I was busy taking care of things around the house that didn't require money, and in my stressed out about money moment, kinda yelled at her and told her I DIDN'T want to go to any appt- she could wait until she was 18, I HAD THINGS TO DO!!!!

She gave me the money after that, when I thought there would be no hope for money until after my staycation weekend!

So, I cried. What a selfless act! Especially after I had been so snappy with her!!

God told me two things later in the day, on my way to spend that money. #1. He answered my prayer. It might not have been the multi- million lottery that I was talking about when I was asking him for money that would allow me to be a stay at home mom and swim in my pool when all of my chores were done, BUT none the less, he gave me exactly what I needed "just enough". I was grateful and thanked him.
I -most of the time- think that I am not that great of a mom. My friends and family and whom ever tell me different, but they are not there day to day when I am screaming and yelling (a herited trait) and they are fighting like they hate each other and I keep thinking that when I fell so far from church, so did they....

When she gave me the money I ask how is this possible that she would do this after I got snappy with her....

#2 God told me it was my parenting..... I taught my daughter this by my own actions, that aren't so bad sometimes. That is what I got from him on Friday, the second day of my staycation that made me feel so good...... And I got my accts cleared up on that day and had money for Saturday and even money for after church today.......

Life lessons, they are all around us...... daily... just ask!

12/24/08

It's been a while to journal on this particular post. That's because I haven't been to church since then.

I went on Sunday.

He talked about self worth, or more like self image. Maybe I am getting self esteem mixed up with self image. I will have to work on figuring that out. I think I have more of a self image prob.

I am glad that I went - no matter, but I need to make a habit of it. I wanted to stay home and clean, and it would have been a good time to do that with no kids, but I was a good girl and Im glad! Habit, habit, habit like my life before!!

12/28/08- Im pretty sure anyway. It is Sunday.

Well the sermon was interesting today, in the fact that I knew what he was talking about, but honestly I am not sure if he made a point.

He kinda (by my notes anyway) started out about how Israel fell away from God after Joshua died ( in Judges) and started worshiping idols n stuff and their relationship with him was just medeocre.

That was really kind of interesting to me because I kinda liken my life to the Israelites, in the fact that I had this life changing stuff in a church class that I took for a whole semester the year before I turned 40. She talked about how significant 40 was in the Bible. I journaled it once- like the flood, 40 days and 40 nights, like Lent is 40 days, like the Israelites wandered in the desert for 40 years- that kind of stuff.

So, I have 10 years to be 40. I feel like I have wandered in the desert for 40 years (that class was a real turning point in my life, a real lesson that I learned about a lot of things that I still remember to this day), and I was real close to God and then I really fell away the last three years, hard and far and fast!! I now have a lukewarm relationship with God and the funny thing is he used this analogy to describe it in such a GOOD way!!!!......

He was talking about having a girlfriend in highschool and how he had one of those big cars with the full front seat that could fit 3 people. He said like how in the beginning of their relationship how she sat right next to him in the front seat and then after awhile their relationship cooled off a bit and she sat farther and farther away from him. Then, one day she wanted to talk about what happened to them, why they didn't sit next to each other anymore. He said look I am the driver- I HAVE TO SIT HERE, YOU are the one who moved.

And he said that is much like us.

There comes a time when we stop feeling God's presence in our lives. It's not like he isn't there and I freaked out the first time I felt that and then years later realized it happens to all of us sooner or later. Some sooner, some later, some for a longer period of time or more often and we wonder where God is. He pointed out that WE (she in his analogy) moved away from him. He is still exactly where he was before. Interesting. So, he says, instead of asking God "where are you?" we should be asking "what have I done to move away from you?"

That is mostly what I got out of his sermon. How Israel (me) moved away from God.

He also talked some about David's integrity, how Jesus was a carpenter and in James he says to consider it all joy-

like when we are in our trials because it is in our testing period- like school, always being tested. If you fai, you have to retake the test in a different manner or over and over until you pass it. Some of us are stuck in the same class for years and years. We are all at a different learning level.

- we are being tested and we should look at it as working toward a promotion and how James understood that.

A little jumpy if you ask me, but it did pertain to me and how I think. It will give me some things to ponder for the week that's for sure.

01/30/2009

Went to church, Spring of Life, a couple of weeks ago- three actually- with Jen and Corey, they even put Elli in class and she didn't even cry!! Ben, Chris, Bess, Erin and her two little ones came too! It was kinda cool. A small church. I think I will try and go with them every other weekend.

This weekend I have Adi and Aaron and we are going to try Grace Community. That is one of the schools that they might be going to. So, I thought that we would check out the church!!

I missed it two weeks ago because I had Emma and Emma WON'T go to a class (her parents taught that to her from the first time I wanted to take her to church) and there is NO WAY I would bring her in to service! NO WAY!! I really wanted to go too! I couldn't get ahold of Jeffrey.

I think I'm going to have to set some "babysitting" limits with her parents!

Hopefully church will be good and we will have found a new "home" even if we do go to Spring of Life every other weekend.

AND....

Is it wrong to say a small prayer for the Cardinals to win the Superbowl??

04/08/09 (I think, it's Thursday)

Didn[t pre-read where I left off except that I was talking about Spring of Life. Well, we have started to go to Bethany Community. Aaron and Carol are going to put the kids in Christian school. I think both anyway. Adison for sure. I started at Grace Community- I went once. I didn'c care for the sermon. It was a racial theme- the pastor was not white- and it really seemed irrelevent to what the title of the message was. I couldn't place them together and it angered me for several days afterward- Like we were all racists or prejudice. I kept thinking that back then "race" was not necessarily the color of the skin (they were all brown- middle eastern), "race" to me meant the area you came from, your religion (being a jew- a non jew would be out of your race). He said there were other prejudice things and he didn't mean just color- but he talked about that in one paragraph- being old, fat, rich or poor. ONE paragraph- but he wasn't just talking about the color of one's skin for an hour and 1/2. It kinda rubbed me the wrong way.


I like Bethany so far. I would have kept going to Grace in spite of his lousy sermon, everyone has a point that they are trying to get across- it just seemed to me his was personal and he was making it public- BUT, Adi shadowed at Bethany and when I found out that they too had a church attached to the school and went, I discovered that they had so much to offer. Aaron goes every Wednesday night as well as Adi. I take a Crown Financial class that night (6 weeks into a 10 weekseries), there is a very active singles class. They just don't meet on Sundays only and it doesn't feel like a meat market. They go to lunch after church, they go to dinner a night or two a month, they have adult activities as well as kid activities. So far I like it.

We are once again active every Sunday and I have even been going when it is not my weekends with the kids! I think for Easter tho. I would like to go to WOG (I know the name has changed, but it will always be WOG to me, I think)

The sermons are not Gary Kinniman and the music is not the Gathering band (I love it hardcore- well hard core for church anyways), but like Gary always said- we are a consumer driven society and with everything else Bethany has to offer me and my family.... I think we'll stay awhile.

I still go to WOG. I love it there. They are really just in a huge transition right now. We'll see how things go. I just picked Bethany because that is what Adi decided to choose for school and maybe, just maybe she will make some friends now and over the summer so that she will have friends when she starts school in the fall.

Thats all folks..... for now. I will be running late for work if I don't get a move on!!1

justagirl

9/6/08
I have a secret. I seen him last night. I wanted to last weekend and a friend "rescued" me in the nic of time and I went over to her house instead. I only told one person that I was on my way to see him.

Then yesterday I knew I was going to. I tried to fight it and I don't know why I had such the urge. I have had a down couple of days and I have so much blame on him. I wanted to cry with him since it is his fault and I wanted him to comfort me.

He did. I spent the night. I don't regret it today and I don't really know what is going on in my head or my heart with this.

It was like the old days on my dads front porch. The old guy. The one I fell in love with. Oxymoronic. Beautifully scary. Painfully comfortable. Good. Bad. Right. Wrong. Positive. Negative.

I have to make sure that I am careful. He has things to prove. I have faith, but I don't believe him. I hear his words and I love them, but I don't believe them.

Next time..... I watched the fights with him at his brother's house. We sat on the couch together it was sadly comfortable. I don't know if this is good for me or not. Probably not. I told him it would be awhile before I saw him again. There is no reason to during the week. We are not dating. I have my kids next weekend and would prefer that the whole entire clan didn't know anything just yet. He has wounds to heal with other's as well.

Out of six kids. I have three that think it is my business (two are way under age to even understand what the hell happened except that we broke up and he moved out) and I have three that would pretty much chastise me for even texting him regularly.... not two mention my two best est friends. He fucked up way bad this time. Ya this time like in more than once. Ugly, I know. Stupid, I KNOW. Forgiving??? Optimistic??? Hopeful??? Naive???..... ugh!! the saga continues..... as I am justagirl

9/9/08
What the F is wrong with me???!!! I sent him a dear john letter today- email. I have my suspicions that he is emailing an old girlfriend- Rachael to be exact. I should have no part of this... (i miss the little things, like you laying your head in my lap) what was I thinking?

I was thinking... that if he was starting to email her (I know what you are thinking, you are thinking that I am out running around and seeing all these girls and I'm not) and he knew that there was this possibility of a chance because he (loves me so much and misses me so much) that he would stop dead in his tracks and realize how much he really does love me and miss me and that he f'd up so badly that he has so much to do to (win me back and I know that I hurt other people as well) that he can't even think of another girl.

I was thinking.... that I am so very lonely that this is painful and he is comfortable and we could be friends until I thought something might be going on with someone else- even if it is just an "innocent" email or text. I don't believe in innocent and it sure as fuck didn't take me long to think something now did it???

When we were together and I thought something I didn't want it to be true and it was anyway. What makes me think things would be any different now when we are not even together???

I hate this. Now I feel lonely again and I didn't for that.... two days.... and I maybe feel that I want to take back the email... but I can't he's not good for me... like an addiction.... but I don't like to feel lonely and I can stop the feeling...... with just a text..... I do love him. I LOVE HIM. But I didn't do this to us HE DID (I took you for granted and I'm the one that pushed you away and for that I am sorry).....

He's sorry.... He's emailing someone else..... He will prove it to me... but he's emailing someone else...... (I think). I think that I know....

Maybe he has done so much damage that I can't be with him because I would be this crazy fool always wondering- NO THANK YOU VERY MUCH SAYS MY STOMACH, MY HEAD, I just couldn't take that. My heart says NO his is serious this time, really...... I can't take the pain....


9/10/08

So much for "shut 'er down mikey".... he called after the email... I heard his voice, I cracked. I'm weak. I'M WEAK I TELL YOU!!! WEAK!!!! wtf??!!

I want to believe him..... there's damage.....

Here we go...... again.....

9/15/08
I'm not sure about how this is going. My oldest daughter and middle son aren't talking to me. My oldest son is cordial, but talks shit about him behind his back. My middle daughter thinks it is no one else's business and the other two are just young. We hung out a bit this weekend. He came over and fixed a ceiling fan and spent the night and then we hung out some to watch football.

I want to believe him with all my heart, but there just may be too much damage and I can't take this with my family. They are hurting my feelings, BAD. I am the mother after all, not too bad of one, but not the child- this is MY life..... No??

10/14/08

The middle of the month.

I sent him another email this morning- kinda, sorta lining out my intentions.... that some day there will be no more texting or emailing. I don't know why I keep hanging on a little here and a little there.

I seen him again this weekend. It all felt like it was innocent enough. I had coupons for cigarettes. I told them about them a week or so ago.

To be honest, I really don't think I want to see him anymore. It is uncomfortable. And I think he thinks things.

Everytime we have gotten together (twice I think, actually), I have had something totally different in mind than what really happened.

I didn't want to see him when T came over with him. I was tired. I didn't want to drink. I didn't want company and I didn't stick up for myself as strongly as I should have.

I think, secretly, I wanted to see him. Just see him. But then she played cupid and I was mad at myself and mad at her.

I did have things to say to him, but I think..... when I went over and hung out with him that first night.... Im not sure what took place.

My intentions: were to go over cry at him, yell at him and just GET IT ALL OUT. I mean after all he is the one who hurt me and I needed him to know- like he didn't already know.

It went well. I didn't really get it all out, but the scenerio was happening as planned. He held me like I wanted and I cried a lot. Then when I should have went home (fateful error) I didn't. He took that as me wanting sex I think. I didn't. We did anyway. I mean it wasnt like I said "NO". He assumed and I let it happen.

I thought I would regret it the next day more than I did. I kinda didn't.- Oh and I guess it's been three times now that I've seen him.

He came over to fix something for me..... ahhh the ceiling fan. It's not like I didn't have the boys try, I did. It was just way more complicated for me and two stoned teenagers could manage!

Some of the kids were so upset with me that it pissed me off and I rebelled and he spent the night and the majority of the next day.

I sent him a "dear John letter" by email...... Then I (why oh why AGAIN do I do this to myself and why do I think this way??- F!N! STUPID OF ME!!!) I (as in ME, MYSELF) felt bad for doing it in away and made sure that HE didn't feel bad by texting a little and then it got to be more and more....."..... but a little wouldn't do it so a little got more and more...." (GNR you know).

Am I stupid?? So..... I had these coupons. I invited him to have pizza with me and the younger ones after church. It was okay. I had planned on taking him home from the pizza place.... was just going to give the coupons, eat, hang out and then take him home... I had things to do.

But, NO.... I invited him over. WHY? Not sure really. He did fix the flag pole for me ( love flags and used to hang those cutesy girlie ones for every change of the season and holiday- then it broke... while he lived here... I was even given one for Mother's Day... while he lived here....).

He also strung the weed eater, but it didn't last long and when I'd eaten 5 feet the string wouldn't come out anymore.....

So, we hung out and drank beer and I went to bed and proceeded to pass out, he came and I left the door open and the kids were in and out. I think he fell asleep for a bit and then he went home.

I wasn't looking for sex. I didn't want sex from him the last two times. SO WHY DO I KEEP DOING THIS???

I told him (in an email- Im a fucking coward, I KNOW) that this "healing" is going to take a long time. That it is only prolonging it by texting him and emailing him..... and that eventually it is all going to have to stop.... that is pretty much what I said.......

WTF is wrong with me to keep dragging this out so long. I know what is going to happen. The lonliness is going to set in and it is going to bring some hurt with it, AND HE WAS WRONG not me and he will find the girlfriend before I am ready to date and HE WILL HAVE SOMEONE AND I WON'T and that will hurt too and if not then I will feel guilty for having someone and he doesn't (not that THAT will happen).

I should have let sleeping dogs lie, when they were sleeping..... AND SUCKED IT UP like a big girl!

12/7/08

Ooops! I did it again. (Britany who?)- all these songs just keep coming to my mnd.

I really have to STOP texting! REALLY! I text and it seems innocent enough and then alcohol and an urge and then I control the urge BUT it is now in his head. A little email, a little suggestion. I say I think its not a good idea..... He invites me to his Christmas party..... I have mixed feelings.... I don't want to go, but I do want to go. Im not sure why I DON'T want to go and Im not sure why I DO want to go either..... no time to really ponder.....

Actually the night before I had only the younger kids who like him. I even called the big kids to make sure they had plans, like Im having an affair!!! He came over and ended up spending the nite. No sex.

Then he goes home. Then I go to the party. Then Im uncomfortable n he is trashed (happy trashed) and I have two beers and we leave. I feel bad that we are leaving he seems to be having fun. But he leaves with me anyway...... and we have sex.

12/09/08

The whole time I'm on my way to the party I am thinking that this is a mistake. But I continue on feeling already committed. He was drunk, happy drunk, not embarrassing- I guess they were all embarrassing so he fit in. On the way home it felt like it used too, so maybe it wasn't totally his actions, perse, at that particular moment as it was the whole deluge of memories that it was bringing back.

How he is (or at least used to be) drunk all the time and loud and embarrassing, so I didn't really give him a chance- NO not that he deserves any kind of chance, but I am the one that agreed to hang out with him for the party. I just couldn't put on the party face once I got there.

He is loud in the store in his happy drunk way with the F bomb dropping loud and clear with a few others. We get home and I certainly DON'T want to have sex with this drunk person, but I know he's been waiting and he looks at me with such pain in his eyes expecting the "no" and I just can't say know. We do and it's good as usual (and the Self Esteem song by Offspring pops into my head- not in the middle or anything, but just right now).

Then when he is gone the next day I am so very lonely for him that I just almost can't take it. I cry, I drink, I wonder WTF!

I want so bad to believe his words and for him to be back in my life again. I didn't think that I would ever be single again. I KNEW that he loved me and adored me and I wanted that and I loved him and here I am back on rocky ground again. Shoulda woulda coulda's. Go thru my head for every aspect of my life right now. I feel.... defeated sometimes.


I kinda know WTF actually. I thought about it and thought about it yesterday. I love being adored- he adores me with his words and his immediate actions when he is next to me. BUT you know- it seems to me that he always adored me with his words so I have to be careful with that. His words don't mean anything........

He swears he's changed, but I don't' see the change so I can't believe him. Im really not even 100% sure that he is not seeing other people from time to time even tho he swears that he is not.

It has been 6 months now. I think I should see a change. I really want to see a change, but I really don't see any change at all except the fact that there is a possibility that he is keeping his dick in his pants..... and if that is really the case, then why didn't he protest when I asked him to use a condom??? He wouldn't have needed one. He could have said so. "Look baby that really isn't necessary" he didn't.

12/24/08

This is mostly the "dating experience and the ex-boyfriend area". Im not dating right now. Im not in the mood (go figure!! I MUST be growing up!) and I don't have time. As for the "ex-boyfriend" I should really REALLY be over him before I am even thinking of dating!

I am, kinda sorta, mostly. I mean I don't want to be with him. I so want to believe his words, but I am treating this as a domestic violence kind of realationship in that- usually in those relationships he hits her, says he's sorry, he won't do it again, he does it again, and she leaves BUT this time he REALLY IS VERY SORRY AND REALLY WON'T EVER DO IT AGAIN- HE HAS LEARNED THIS TIME. But, I think there is a pattern in relationships like that.

Inlcuding mine. He had the internet moment- it didn't mean anything, he didn't realize it was wrong even tho- he lied and he hid it. If he didn't think it was wrong, why would you have to do that in the first place, it would be open for all to see then more of a "deer in the headlights look"- huh? you mean Im not supposed to talk to other girls on the internet. Really I didn't know, it was innocent, I mean look, it's out there in the open for all to see..... kind of thing, but that wasn't the way it happened. This was private chat rooms and shutting those down whenever my daughter walked by and then lying to me and then lying about the phone calls til I got the bill- like what??? I don't look at my bill?? But it was innocent you know....

Then there was "Tanya" which was a huge sexual thing, but I forgave him because of the tragedy of Corey. I kinda "thought" I knew what was going on in his head. The grief, the saddness, the need to take care of what was Corey's. She was coming on very strong and I think she wanted him to take Corey's place...... I think HE wanted to take Cory's place. We should have NEVER got back together at that point, EVER.

But, then to have a down right- behind my back kind of affair for a long period of time, with my daughter-in-law no less (who was not ever innocent in any of her relationships and we all knew this and knew what she was doing)......

So, now that he is moved out..... he is really REALLY sorry. This time he really REALLY means it. It won't EVER happen again.

No, I have to say that it won't ever happen again. There will be no chance for it to ever happen again.

I still have greif and we still text and a tiny piece of me (getting smaller and smaller as time goes on) wants to believe this time that I KNOW he has really really changed and would NEVER EVER do it again.

But, I hear his words and I really see no change in his life, so what is there to really REALLY make me think that this time he really, REALLY means it?? NOTHING, really REALLY!!

01/08/09

The last time that he came over and we slept together. I didn't even really want to and Im not sure why. Maybe I know that it is really over and why go thru the motions. I also thought that I would be the one hurting him.

But, that was not the case. I was pretty devistated for two days. I knew that I shouldn't have gone to the party in the first place. I didn't even want him to sleep in my bed.

I also thought I was tototally cool if we slept together. So, then after that I got to thinking about how hard it was going to be when he "found" someone else. More like when I find out that he "found" someone else. It's not like he is going to tell me.

After missing the twins (and a little sister) birthday party- I was invited- I never remember dates. Usually when I don't show up not only do I have him calling me and asking if I am coming, but I have his sister-in-law calling and asking where Im at.

Now, don't get me wrong, this NEEDS to happen and I really couldn't afford another mother fucking birthday in Decemeber, but to be lied to and deceived. Oh??? Is this something new?? Oh?? Am I really surprised?? WTF is wrong with me?? DUH!!

So, when Christmas rolls around Im thinking, hmmm when the fuck was that birthday?? So, Rachel DID go. I think I KNOW this in my heart of hearts.

I think it was confirmed this morning when I got an email from the sister in-law and it was also addressed to Rachel. They weren't even friends before, that I know of. She was over there once before and the sister-in-law was like "Im not even sure why shes here" (again DUH!). So, now all of the sudden they are email buddies.

Like I said it needs to happen, but why does he keep texting me and trying to deny it. Actually his words were "I haven't slept with anyone but you" since the last time he fucked up. But, he also told me.....

He is GREAT for this....... This is his "M-O".....

She is a Mormon, she wouldn't sleep with me (or something along those lines) NOT that he's NOT interested. The same as with Sperry..... I wouldn't fuck her she slept with a nigger. Not that "oh honey, I love you, Im faithful to you, I wouldn't hurt YOU like that" No not that. I knew right then he would sleep with her. He was never that faithful of a "skin" to pass up a young, pretty piece of ass. Oh and the Britanya thing.... "she's cool" "she's just a friend" AGAIN not, look honey, you're the one I love..... Stupid.

It was the same with Amberlie- I wouldn't do that she is Jeffrey's wife.

I DON'T want him. I haven't wanted him for a long time. Not even while we were still living together.

I mean I loved him, for what ever that means.

But, I was tired of supporting him. Tired of cleaning up after him. Tired of asking him to help around the house. Tired of him not fixing things with all his time off.

He is an alcoholic- an honest to goodness- shakes until a first drink- alcoholic.

He has no motivation to get divorced, they have been seperated for something like......10-12 years. She has lived in another state with NO contact with him for..... 6-8 years or more.

He has no motivation to get a better job. He would LITERALLY make more money working at McDonalds than he does right now doing what he is doing.

He has no motivation to get his drivers license. He has no car. He lives with his parents.

And thru all this (as I discovered after the Christmas party thing) that it is really going to hurt when he finally does 'fess up to seeing Rachel, if that is what is going on.

Besides a dyke that swings both ways and her- Im not too sure that there is anyone else that would want to even fuck him. Well, that's what everyone else tells me anyway.

But, if he can find all this ass while we are living together, what makes me think he still can't when he has no ties.....

I think he is stringing me along. uh oh, is this another DUH?? I guess it hurts to not be worth someones effort. ESPECIALLY his. I have this stupid theory.

I don't have much self worth. It has to do with that.

Why am I so attracted to tattoos and certain kinds of guys??

01/30/2009

Well I didn't hear from him texting- we just kinda quit- for a week. We still don't text, but he emailed me yesterday. Hi, how are ya, still need help with the dogs kinda thing.

Good. Nope. You?

Good. busy. moving.

That was it. I feel good about the situation. I'm a little lonely a lot of the time, but I am doing good.

I feel like I am really single. Not ready to date, but a single person. I'm o.k. with that.

04/09/2009 Passover. Put red around the doors to protect your first born.....

Well, I know that I slept with him once this year. I thought it was sometime in Jan, but I guess it had to be Feb. and it had to be after Valentines. We haven't talked since. He helped me move my mothers things from storage. I really did need the help. The first weekend it was me and Ben.

The next weekend it was me and Ben and then Rich came and helped with the couch AND Im not sure if he was there that day or not. I think yes. He came again the following weekend for sure and we got it all done! All of it.

He said that he quit texting because he seen a truck (the work truck that I drove home to move my moms stuff) and thought he would back off. I thought that was quite nice of him.

A couple of weeks later my car broke down and I drove a different work truck home and I kinda giggled at the thought- if he just happend to drive by or have someone else see it there. And then when Lorianne was here she had rented a red Mustang and she was there for a week and then traded it in for a white one.

My dad even stopped by to see who it was. Ha!Ha! We haven't text at all since the last time in Feb. I text him last weekend to see about the grill in my back yard. Im going to give it to my son. Then yesterday when my other son wanted his daughters phone number. But, that is it.

I was doing EXCEPTIONALLY well for a few weeks. Not looking at other guys really, not caring. having my own stuff to do.

Then all of the sudden- a little twinge, a little lonliness, a little checkin things out here and there- flirting....

I believe that I am not ready. I don't know for sure. I feel o.k., good actually. Maybe just a little impatient, aprehensive.

Im not even sure I would know what to do with a man except for sex. I want a real relationship this time. Not one based on sex. But, I don't know how to do that. And what is the difference if it starts out sexual and then goes from there or not??

I mean I was married for 13 years once and it started out as sexual and we would still be married if he wouldn't have been so dam mean and hurtful and angry. If I would have just been a little more worldly maybe, a little tougher....

Then I was married for 7 years (well 5 of them acutally living together married). That was also a sexual relationship, but he was so young I think. Hadn't really sown them wild oates.

But, Im also thinking....

I really don't want another broken heart.

I don't really want to date.

I just want to be in a loving, fun, satisfying, safe, beautiful, faithful, caring, honest, deep, fullfilling, worthwhile relationship! Someone who is comfortable to be around. Someone who enjoys being with me too and doing things together and has their own friends and the same type of interests and goals and who could love my kids and love me enough. Enough to be thoughtful, faithful, respectful and trustworthy.

I wonder if he is even out there. For ME I mean. Someone just for me or have I used up all my chances?? Is there really someone out there?? Is it really so much to ask for??

I have no possibilities at the moment. NONE! Not ONE! There hasn't been one real possibility.

I have (almost) joined the singles group at church. I really need to know how to go about this whole relationship thing in the first place. I need to finish reading "The Ten Commandments of Dating" and see exactly what that says.

Aghhh!!!! *&^%

iTs ALL iN My hEaD

9/06/08
I am trying this new thing. Maybe a type of meditation.... "be still and know......" to sit for- 10, 15 minutes a day. Just sit and be still and do nothing.

Now if I do this at the right time of the day, usually in the a.m. when all are sleeping and all is quiet and I have coffee so that when I sit to be still I don't actually fall asleep, it works.

Now I am curious. I can't turn off my head- no way no how. Just can't. So one version that I recently read said to let your mind go.... just go at random and wander. It says that you may think of a bad break up and it may be more painful in your head than you remember it being, you may remember things here and there good and bad from your past. Also that soon enough when you sit and be still after a period of time all those things will be fewer and fewer inbetween and not last as long and somehow this is getting it all out.

So does that apply for everything. I mean if I sit and be still and mundane things go thru my head first....... I don't have time to sit here, I should be cleaning something... how much time do I actually have before I have to wake up the kids and not be late, the grocery list, did I turn the water off on the front lawn, can I take a sip of coffee while I am sitting here being still?, I should have gone to the gym this a.m....... all those things would go thru my head if I just let it wander. Or am I supposed to let it wander in a controlled type of wandering??? Like o.k. I am going to think of this period in my life, kind of wandering.

For the most part when I sit to be still I cry. I am so stressed and this is such a painful time in my life that is all I can do when I am alone and don't have something occupying my time. I break down and sob and think of all the things that are making me cry. Maybe that is really good for now and I should just stick with that and get all this particular crap out of my head.

Hey look, for now I think I just answered my own question.....

Unfortunately, I have only had time twice since I read the article.

Once I sobbed and it brought me all the way back to being a little girl. She is sitting hugging her legs, rocking back and forth and we are sobbing together. I don't touch her for I know she doesn't want to be touched. I don't know why she is crying only why I am crying. I sit by her and gently let the side of my foot touch the side of her foot. And we sit and cry. Then soon I stop and soon she stops, she is still rocking, but somehow I feel that she is comforted for the moment, in a safe way and her breathing is that racking sound your body makes after a long, good, hard cry.

I get up and 15 minutes had gone by.

The next time I have a hard time and sit and think of the mundane things- 10 minutes go by and that is all I can take before the busy body inside me takes over.

Would take time now, but I would fall asleep.

The next time..... this was yesterday 9/7/08 I'm not sure for how long I sat, maybe 20 minutes or maybe 30. This time I went back to Alaska. There were some friends that I was not allowed to hang out with back then (the main one, 30 years later, we are still friends and still in touch). I lied one time saying that I was going to church and we went on top of the mountain (Mt Edgecomb? or maybe that was on the other island- it's been too long) we drank and smoked pot and I can still picture this serene scene in my head as I stood atop this mountain and looked down into this beatuful, tree filled, flowing with flowers valley down below. It looked like a painting the air was so crisp and still and it was so quiet up there. The memory haunts me beautifully to this day. I remember getting beat for that by my mother's boyfriend and also grounded for an extreme period of time, but to this day it was way worth it.

I cried and cried over those times. Highschool, the fishy smell of the ocean, the crunch beneath my feat when I walked on the partially frozed ground, the friends, thinking of my ex-boyfriend, he was my first love. I have always missed that place. I never wanted to leave.

The memories also told me that I do have so many regrets. So many shoula woulda coulda's go thru my head. Things I did and shouldn't have and didn't do that I should've. You can't turn back time.

Then when my mind started wandering to my "grocery list" I quit sitting. I went and bought beer to waste more of my time and drank it with someone most of my family wouldn't approve of..... such is my life......

Why Yes I AM a CARDINALS FAN!!

o.k. I just HAVE to put these article's in here. One is about a scorned football player that STEALS another (his replacement) football players Gucci luggage- classic story, a must read- I think the 2nd story.

The first I found funny- it has to do with all 11 of us Cardinal fans- which everyone jokes at my work and says that I house 6 of the 11. I laughed...

The 3rd is about a quarterback supposidly going to watch football at a friends house and not letting his mama know where he went and ....... get this.... the SWAT TEAM were called out to help look for him and a pyschiarist was called out to meet him at an undisclosed location when they did find him.

TALK ABOUT BIZZARE HAPPENING IN THE NFL....... CLASSIC- doesn't make my homelife look so bad! Ha!Ha!



FOX Sports on MSN - NFL - Forget chic sleeper picks, here are real dark horses

Welcome to The Sundays of Our LivesKevin Hench readies you for the newest NFL soap opera."-->

by Kevin Hench
Kevin Hench is a frequent contributor to FOXSports.com. An accomplished film and television writer, Hench's latest screenwriting credit is for The Hammer, which stars Adam Carolla and is now available on DVD.

Will Brett find love in the big city? Will virtuous Kurt prove pure of heart in place of bad boy Matt? Is that Chad or his evil twin? Can Adam start over? Will Rudi get his underwear back?
Like sands through the hourglass, so are the Sundays of our lives.
The Old Man and the C
Now that Brett Favre has been voted a captaincy by his teammates and hailed as a savior in New York, all he has to do is carry a team that went 4-12 last season on his 38-year-old shoulders.

My friend Rich Hanrahan used to do a standup bit about the fickleness of the New York sports fan. He compared the outpouring of love for Jim Abbott after he threw a no-hitter for the Yankees ...
"That guy's a hero! He's got one arm! He just threw a no-hitter! He's a hero!"
... to the reaction after Abbott got shelled in his next start ...
"Go back to the circus you one-armed freak!"
For now Brett Favre is the belle of the ball. But should a couple of his balls get picked by safety Yeremiah Bell or other members of the Dolphins defense on Sunday, well, he'll find out just how hard it is to make love last in New York.
And if Chad Pennington outplays Favre on Sunday, you know some Jets fans will be grumbling, "We never shoulda let dat guy go."
Cardinal Sins
NFL coaches don't care about good and evil. They don't care if one guy is a devout Christian and the other a partying lout who sees no cause bigger than himself. But they do care about woefully under-throwing receivers and failing to put the ball in the end zone.
So, with that in mind, Cardinals coach Ken Whisenhunt has tabbed true believer Kurt Warner as his starting quarterback. The decision was first reported after Matt Leinart posted a 2.8 QB rating in an exhibition apocalypse against the Raiders two weeks ago. Apparently Whisenhunt is old school enough to believe your quarterback rating has to exceed the number of girls in your hot tub.
After throwing 21 touchdowns in the final eight games last year — more than record-setting Tom Brady — Warner must be wondering why he had to compete for the job in the first place. But he'll be under center against the Niners on Sunday. The last time he faced San Francisco all he did was throw for 484 yards and two touchdowns.
Meanwhile, Leinart will have to find the strength to persevere as a well-paid understudy. Oh, and he'll also have to find some arm strength if he's ever going to be a consistent starter in the NFL.
Esquizofrenia Paranoica
A mysterious character has arrived in Cincinnati who looks exactly the same as Chad Johnson. But he swears his name is Chad Ocho Cinco. Could this be Chad's evil twin? Well, no, because how could you behave worse than Chad Johnson? It must be Chad's benevolent twin, a humble Latino who will hand the ball to the referee after each touchdown.
Chad may have changed his name, but the Bengals have not changed their stripes. Not only did they welcome back Chris Henry, but they did precious little to improve the league's 27th-ranked defense.
Ocho Cinco. A new identity for one man and the approximate number of points Cincinnati will allow when it faces the Browns and Cowboys in Weeks 4 and 5.
Now that the name change is legal and official, the Bengals should trade Chad to a team where No. 85 is taken. Say, the Chargers (Antonio Gates) or Packers (Greg Jennings). Chad Ocho Nueve?
But seriously, a Bengals wide receiver legally changes his last name and it's the one whose name we could spell. Great.
Pac Is Back
Not since teenage boys were fantasizing about Victoria Principal has there been this much pent-up anticipation in Dallas.
The 21st century triplets — Tony Romo, Terrell Owens, Marion Barber III — were gone in the first 13 picks of my fantasy draft. Felix Jones looks like he's ready to be the lightning to Barber's thunder. Tank Johnson looks ready to be the anchor of a ferocious 3-4 defense.
And now — after 18 months on a rollercoaster — Adam Jones is ready to start over. Thanks to the injured groin of Terence Newman (seen here on his own emotional rollercoaster), Pac may be starting over as a starter Sunday against the Browns. So much for easing into things in the nickel package, covering the slot. Now Jones will be forced to run with Braylon Edwards and Donte' Stallworth from the first play. And pretty much everybody outside Cowboy Nation will be rooting for him to fail.
Tatum Bell Hop
While many Bengals have spent their checkered careers accumulating unwanted baggage, former All-Pro tailback Rudi Johnson needed only a couple of hours to shed his baggage in Detroit.
Apparently not everyone was watching the quiet dignity with which the last men cut from the Dallas Cowboys on Hard Knocks accepted their releases.
According to reports, Tatum Bell, the man who was cut to make room for Rudi, was so displeased with his displacement he left the Lions' facility with the Gucci luggage Johnson had received as a Pro Bowl gift. Bell contends it was all a misunderstanding, but at the very least he seems to have proven he deserves a spot in the NFL ... he'd fit right in with Rudi's old team.
The bags were returned without their contents by an unidentified woman.
"I got the bags back — empty," Johnson said. "So he's got a bunch of my underclothes. What he's going to do with that, I don't know. He's got some socks and boxers."
Bell issued this bizarre non-denial to the Detroit Free Press:
"I wasn't thinking or nothing," he said. "I just grabbed the backpack and grabbed the other bag. They weren't in nobody's locker or nothing like that. They were just sitting there by the computer area right there. I grabbed them and put them in the car."
Oh, well, as long as they were in the computer area and you grabbed them and put them in your car, by all means, help yourself to the contents therein.

9/07/08
THEY WON! THEY WON! THEY WON! Against the 49er's FINALLY!!! Don't know how long it's been since we won against that team! WooHoo!!!! Yea for "all 11 of us fans"!!

9/10/2008


Titans Team Report
Yahoo! Sports 11 hours, 57 minutes ago
Buzz Up
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Inside Slant
Just when it was thought the plot twist on “Vince Young and the Restless” couldn’t become any more bizarre, came a Monday night missing person’s manhunt for the Tennessee Titans quarterback.
Young, who failed to show up at Baptist Sports Park on Monday for a scheduled MRI on his injured left knee, apparently left his suburban home in an emotional state without telling anyone where he was headed.
With Young’s state of mind in question, someone at the house called Titans coach Jeff Fisher, who in turn called Metro Nashville Police to begin a search for Young.
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Four hours later, with SWAT team members on the lookout for the quarterback, Fisher finally made contact with him around 11 p.m. CDT.
According to Young’s agent, Major Adams, Young was at a friend’s house watching Monday Night Football.
Fisher encouraged Young to meet him at the practice facility, and Young obliged, arriving just over a half hour later.
Once he arrived, according to a police report, “Crisis Negotiators made the initial contact with the subject (Young) as he sat in his car. Shortly after the initial contact, the subject exited his vehicle to continue the dialog with the crisis negotiators,” according to the police report. “SWAT officers approached Mr. Young and checked his person for weapons. Mr. Young agreed to continue talking with officers inside the practice facility in a conference room. SWAT officers stood by outside of the conference room while Mr. Young talked with officers and a psychologist.
“After meeting with the psychologist, Mr. Young left the practice facility by himself in his vehicle. SWAT officers were then relieved of any further duties.”
Later, both Adams and Fisher called the ordeal a misunderstanding. Adams was asked what Young thought about the situation, and he replied, “He said he can’t believe he can’t just go and watch a game and people need to know where he is 24 hours a day.”
It capped a rough weekend for Young, who suffered a sprained MCL in Sunday’s win over Jacksonville, and appeared reluctant to go back into the game after throwing his second interception. It was on that series after the sideline incident that Young suffered the knee injury. There is no timetable for his return.

9/15/08

BAD CALLS ON SAN DIEGO!!! BAD BAD BAD! They should have won that game. BooHissBoo!! And GO CARDINALS!!! 2-0. Is this the first time ever???

We love our team, but now we are jokingly wondering... will that be it for the season? it will 2-14 at the end?? ba!ha!ha! jk

01/19/09

WELL HELL YA!!!! Why, YES we are a going to the Super Bowl!!! I thougt I was going to cry! Tears acutally stung my eyes on the way home!

I went to Buffalo Wild Wings with my youngest son to meet the group. We went at half time. It was touch and go for a split second in the third/fourth quarter. It was hard to watch! I was getting chest pains.

My hands were sore from all the high fives and my throat is still sore from all the screaming!! We had a blast. AMAZING!! I was sooo glad I didn't stay home! There were car honkings on the way home and in our neighborhood!!

WoW!!! It's about time!! I bet Chris is having to work with his dad today to clean up that field- yea for us, but all that confetti???? It'll take the next two weeks to get it all cleaned up!!

This is going to be the best Super Bowl that I have ever been too. One of my bestest friends is a Steeler's fan. I already started razzing him about his loss (ha!ha!). He's just gonna HAVE to go hang out with us!!!

Super Bowl. I called it last year when the Super Bowl was here..... I was just a year off!

Super Bowl.... I can't stop saying it....... Super Bowl 43!!

01/30/2009

Two days away. I can still cry thinking that they made it this far! WoW! I'm going to paint Aaron's face tomorrow for practice and then again on Sunday for THE BIG GAME!! WooHoo!!

Is it wrong to pray for a football team to win??? I want them to win sooooo badly!!

2/3/09

So,..... we are not the Superbowl champs for '09. That is o.k. Coming in second place in the nation isn't bad at all!! Also, it was a good game. Very good game!! Sad as I am about the whole thing. It was a good game.