Be Still and Know.....

9/22/08





"re:direct" re: the art of starting over based on Joshua ch1&3





Went to church yesterday. There was this one time, a long time ago, when I was going to church regularly for the first time ever in my life. My husband didn't like it. He thought I was doing it on purpose to get time away from him. Ya, well you know, if the shoe fits....





I remember going thru my divorce. I had just got baptized not too long before and was so very unsure- being this new Catholic and all, if I was supposed to get a divorce, you know? I was confused. You are supposed to be married only once. But, what about this? and what about that? I wasn't getting physically abused, but there were other damaging emotional issues that I was going thru with him and so much of the time I wished I were physically getting beat so that I would at least have something to show for the pain he was putting me thru. Kind of like how "cutters" cut to ease the emotional pain that they are in because it is so unbearable.





So, did I have reason for divorce in God's eyes? or was this going to be a terrible sin as a newly baptized Catholic girl/wife/mother?





I was on the phone talking and crying with my bestest friend and time and again before that I would tell her that I swear God is talking directly to me thru the Priest!! I would have a problem and lo and behold the sermon would be about just that.... now not every single Sunday mind you, but those "pivotal moments" of complete crisis and confusion in my life!! I would ponder something and be concerned and confused for days n days, weeks, or months and then Wa!La! just like that a sermon on my problem.





So, after yaking with her on the phone she decided to come to church with me for emotional support.





It was about the escape of Israel out of the bonds of Egypt!! About how yes they should leave and not look back and about how yes it is going to be painful and hard and you must not look back but go forth...... that was the sermon. I cried. She cried. She said that "I guess you got your answer". It was like I was talking to God that morning on the phone and she heard it too.





I will always remember that as being this HUGE pivotal moment in my life.





I had one of those yesterday at church, again. So much so that I had to call my bestest girlfriend and tell her because the whole time I was sitting there in church- years and years later, in a Protestant church, wondering about another relationship I was thinking of that pivotal moment in my life.





Here, for 3 years now I have been confused. I was living differently for the past three years than I ever had before (bad), living with a boyfriend, drinking way too much- WAY TOO MUCH all the time, and stopped going to church.





Like, I went from finding this church with husband #2 10 years ago. Going to church every Sunday and even volunteered Sunday school. Then we divorced and the church stepped in. They gave me counseling and I took solace and comfort in my newly discovered faith- which one shouldn't confuse with "getting baptized" or just "going to church" as faith.





My kids and I went every single Sunday for both services. The first one I was in Sunday school class and they were in service and the second they were volunteering and I was in church. It worked out great!





They liked it, I liked it. If we didn't go to church for whatever reason they would freak out come Monday morning and tell me that "it can't be Monday we didn't go to church yet"





Then.... the boyfriend moved in- and I'm scared of marriage, so my thought pattern changed and I didn't think it so bad "living with someone" as opposed to going thru another divorce.





Now, I think I realize- don't know if I've been beaten enough yet on this one- that there is a reason that God wants marriage as opposed to living with someone. It's just a realization mind you, a little fleeting knowledge that creeps up here and there. I won't attempt to "get churchy" and explain. This knowledge is for my personal benefit, for my personal situation and no one has walked in my shoes and I've not walked in theirs.





But, I kinda knew it was wrong for me. I had guilt. I lost sleep over it. I prayed about it (in my own way, please Father, forgive me for this, but I am going to keep doing it and I just want you to overlook it and make it okay- because I believe in you and I love you and I know that you love me and you can make anything right and perfect).





Yea those were my prayers as I lived with a man that I barely knew and started drinking myself into oblivion and quit going to church almost completely.





He was willing to go to church- he even got baptized. It's just with all that hard partying on Saturday night and not going to bed until all hours and having the worst hangover, EVER time and again, I was just not feeling good enough to go. Then missing one or two times turned in to quitting Sunday school because I was "living in sin" and I knew being part of the church "body" that this was unacceptable in the position that I was in and gave me another excuse to miss yet more days without having the guilt, because now I just wasn't allowed to volunteer in that particular position.





So, here it is September, three years later. I have gone to church twice this year (not including yesterday). Once was to check out the new pastor. I didn't like him. Used that for an excuse not to go. Another was when Kurt Warner, the Arizona Cardinals quarterback, came and did a sermon. Those were the only two times.





I have had a bad year with all the stuff, mom stuff, kid stuff and then (ex)boyfriend stuff. I heard the calling- again- and thought I really do need to go back. Just before the (ex)boyfriend and I split up in the very beginning of summer I was able to go back to church and do the "Sunday school" thing again.





A few times I had inquired here and there to make sure the policy hadn't changed, mostly to alleviate my guilt and try and make myself have a commitment that would make me go to church regularly again.





Then the church structure changed. A lot of things changed at our church and I inquired again and then on one of the times that I actually went to service, I ran into my old supervisor and she told me she had been praying about it and had brought it up to... someone... and that they were going to make an exception.





I felt good, privileged- on my way back to church again. Started going and doing it- . Then the frying pan and my boyfriend was cheating and I knew when she said she had been praying and I knew when they let me come back that God had ulterior motives for my life. HE is just not going to bend the rules because I am his spoiled and privileged little precious daughter. Ooooohhhhh Noooooo........ HE HAD A PLAN. Uh huh, the frying pan!!





And I had this calling, again. I printed up local Christian churches in my area and had planned to attend one or more of them until I found just the right one, or talk with some of the people that left our church when things changed so drastically, to see where they went. But, I hate change. I am not good with it and I got an email from the pastor (generated church wide) and in his email he talked about change- not only change in our church, but change in our personal life. Now remember, I don't like change.



I thought uh-oh I have to go to church. I really haven't given the new pastor a fair chance. I am glad that I went. The sermon was good. God had a really good talk with me. Now I have to figure some things out without getting hit with the frying pan.



for you have not passed this way before... as in it may seem like I am going thru the same ol' same ol' with the cheating men and with being alone AGAIN, but he says this time around I am a different person going thru what appears to be the same thing with a different person.

He wants me to have faith, courage, commitment to "cross over the threshold", crossing the threshold is a part of moving forward. He wants to teach me the benefits of embracing change.

The entrance into a new opportunity; not to stay or go, but to obey or not (frying pan). He specifically spoke to me about... 1)being in an unhealthy relationship 2) my church involvement and 3) my abuse of alcohol. Those were specifically mentioned by the pastor.

Of course they were!

The entrance into a new way of doing things; stripped of my comfortability and my security to strengthen my dependence on him. Embrace a new way of following him. Some things we make permanent what God intended to be temporary. The pastor thinks we need to put an expiration date on things. That is something to ponder. On what I wonder? Exactly, in my life....

The entrance into a new beginning always begins with new commitments.

Crossing over thresholds means crossing that boundary of security and comfortableness.

What thresholds have I crossed over in my life?? From as far back as I can remember??

One thing that I know for sure, like FOR SURE FOR SURE is that I need to be comfortable and embrace being single and to think with all of my heart and soul that I would rather be alone than be in a relationship not of God. I have to get that thru my thick skull or nothing will change in my relationships with men. They will always appear to be the same thing over and over again. The drugs or the cheaters......

That is for sure a threshold as far as "relationships" go with me. I must commit to keep my drinking under absolute control or quit. Simple as that. I have known this for sometime, but just never wanted to do anything about it. And I must I must i know for sure get back on track with church- even if it does mean finding a new one, which I hope not.

Now getting my bigger kids to go and be committed after I f'd it all up will be quite the task if at all possible!! Thresholds, smesholds.

And then.... just some other random stuff to ponder on later, to fix, to improve, to rewrite......








But, mostly my whole life God has been a calling of some sorts, for years and years




I kept getting this crazy feeling, or thought or something about how I needed to go to church. I would have it for like months and months and then it would go away. And then it would come back and go away- for years this happened to me. My step mom and I used to always talk about going to church. She wanted to go to. The only church I ever knew was Catholic and she wanted to go and be one too. She never did.

Then one time I read that, if we are not careful God stops calling our name. If we ignore him long enough..... there is a possibility that he will just quit calling us. That scared me.

I think that is when I started going to St Bridget's. I knew some women from the twins club that went to that church. One of them ended up to be my Godmother. I don't even know her anymore. Carol Sullivan. I think of her often. The last time I seen her was at Word of Grace. She was going thru a divorce- he had cheated on her and left her for a younger woman, she had "the perverbial rug" pulled out from underneath her and a friend had brought her to church.

I was insensitive- she had a broken heart- I hadn't had one yet. We talked and she asked how I was and (even tho I wasn't and my marriage wasn't) I lied and said that life was great! and my marriage was great! Mostly, I didn't think she would want to hear that things were bad for me too. Now I know I hurt her and I know I invoked anger in her with my words. I went thru it shortly after that! AND then and ONLY THEN did I realize that I had hurt her. That was the last time I saw her. I think of her often. I pray for her often. I would like to be her friend again.

So then,......

You go to church and take a class here and there and inevitably you hear people's stories about "becoming Christian" this "pivotal moment" in their lives and just like getting hit with a frying pan they "got it", most after years and years of going. Ah the testimonials. They really are terrific and bring tears to the eyes, but I NEVER had that.





There was just something, always something there. I have always my whole entire life believed in God. For the majority of my life until I was... I don't know, maybe in my 20's even, I thought, literally every one in the whole wide world just knew there was a God and believed in him. I truly thought this. Even if they didn't act like it- for I didn't "act" like it. I just knew always that he was there.





So, I never got to have a "pivotal moment", my life is more like a series of pivotal moments, learning lessons, because I too have to be hit over the head with a frying pan- more than once or twice! God literally has to beat me 1/2 to death and then I go... "are you talking to me???- cuz I really thought you were talking about him or her, or them, but not me- I'm not like that, I don't do that, I don't think that, I wouldn't be like that" and come to find out "Oh Yes You Are" after I am reeling from the 3rd or 4th blow with the frying pan, why yes I am just like that aren't I? Or, I am supposed to do that, aren't I? I am supposed to be like that, aren't I?





So, I never really had a story a "testimony" to share..... until I was like 40

I was a single mom and this was my 40th birthday coming up. I was laying in bed and thinking I do want something for my birthday, I DO! But. it's not like I can say "hey kids"- they don't have money. So, where else did I have to go but to my Father. So, I was talking to him and said. It's my 40th birthday. What I'd really like is a car. I really need a car. I know that money isn't an object for you and speaking of money, a little extra money would be great! Oh! and a boyfriend for I am lonely. I know that you can do all these things. I may not deserve them, but you could provide them. Not, that Im expecting anything at all. I don't know if I even deserve these things, but it says that I can ask for anything and so..... I am. And I did, with the heart and mind of a child. Just me giving Dad my big Christmas list so to speak.

On my 40th birthday party I even announced it that I made my request. A couple of months later I was told by my ex-husband that I had to refinance our house and take his name off of it. So, I did. In the process I ended up with money enough to buy me a car and I had money left over and by December I had a boyfriend.

May not have been the perfect of perfects, but all of my requests were granted. That is my very first testamony!

10/03/08- I think. T.G.I.F

I haven't been to church in two weeks. Well, I went last week for the two year old class. I was going to stay for second service, but found out there was no second service anymore. Crazy how much church has changed! I wonder what our attendance is?? We went from four services to two when the pastor semi- retired!

I even thought about changing churches, but na.

Our church started a fast this week. No alcohol, no caffine, no meat and no deserts. Well....... I think the first mess up was right after Tommy's funeral I ate a sandwich- with deli meat. I didn't care, I was being reblious. Then I was craving a soda. Nothing goes better with a sandwich and chips than a soda. BUT, I held strong thru that one... ya it was hard. So I get back to the office and co worker offers me a nice cold diet coke. Im glad the strong craving is gone or that would have been all she wrote!! I declined.

Then a couple of hours later, I get that weird chest pain again. BAD. I hate that, feel like Im gonna have a heart attack! It was probably the anxiety from not having the soda!! I drink the soda (it is like gas pains in my chest and YES believe it or not carbination works). And it comes back later that night at home and I have no soda, but I have a beer. So I had ONE beer. ONE.

So, really REALLY screwed up that day!!

Yesterday I had an appt with my son and we went to Jack N the Box for breakfast after. I ate meat again. I really didnt think about it when I was ordering. I was thinking of leaving off the sauce and the cheese and how much better it tastes with the sauce and the cheese, BUT I remembered no caffine. So I didnt' order the soda (again) that I wanted. And last night with the migrane at home I drank four beers.

Tonight is a wedding too! Sunday is a babyshower (yes, we drink at baby showers, birthdays- even if its a kids, weddings, bar b q's, holiday's, Friday nights, Saturday nights, football season ect..... WE DO THAT around here). I'm wondering how Im going to hold out. Hmmmm......

Well, I did change my rountine a bit and that is making me feel good. I have time slots in the morning so that I am not lost on the computer for two hours. Yoga is at 5:15, just like a class. Shower is no later than 6:am which is right now so I have to go. Wake the kids up at 6:15. Clean/ and breakfast until 7 and be ready by 7:30!!!

So far everything going good but the be ready by 7:30. That only happend yesterday AND then I had the appt with my son and had to sit around for 30 min. before we left.

Ahhh.... such is life.....

10/12/08
Didn't make it to church last weekend. Had a terrible hangover. TERRIBLE!! I wanted to go so bad too. Today is a Sunday school day so no service for me.

I started off my "staycation"- as so dubbed by a co-worker for those of us who use vacation time and stay at home.

My staycation started off terrible. At first I had money. Lots of money if I were to so choose. Then all went haywire the eve of the beginning of my staycation, at the store no less, with three of my kids. At the check out I tried one card.... should have had $160 on it (lots of money to me). Now on this one (as I had the kids with me) I could have over spent. I was thinking, at the time, that I had $200 on it so.... but not to worry I have my main acct card with me too. $300 in savings and $300 in checking. I KNOW this because I just transferred money from savings to checking to be able to pay my house payment. I had some house payment money in my wallet also in the form of child support and a monthy expense check from work- and the rest coming in my next direct depsoit the day after the beginning of my staycation. Soo I felt RICH!!!

That card didn't work either. Its a small bank so no one was able to help me at that time of night (maybe 7:30). Soooo off to the bank we go while the groceries all bagged wait for us in the cart. Talk about embarrassing!! I have NEVER had that happen before!

My checking acct bal.? ZERO!! My savings acct bal.? ZERO!! WTF??!!

Well being diligent and not wanting to forget to make my house payment I had gone on line earlier in the week and made a payment to be taken out the Monday after my staycation. And YES, you guessed it....... BUT NOOOO, they took it out that day. Earlier in the day, that day of the beginning of my staycation. So, I have NO MONEY now. NONE.

I will worry about it tomorrow, I think. I still have money in my wallet to cash. Well come to find out the next day, a personal, out of state check is VERY hard to cash- impossible. My main acct was farther in the hole than what I had in my wallet because of the mortgage company, so I still had no money.

I stood in the kitchen that morning crying to God. I want money. I am so tired of being poor and so tired of this and of that and what was I going to do this weekend. I needed grocery money out of it (hell my house payment was made, right??), and gas money and and and. The next thing I know my daughter just hands me $120 to do the shopping that I wanted to do the night before.

I cried. This meant a lot.

She has been wanting to get contacts and had been saving her money, but can't go down unless I am with her seeing as she is not 18 yet. Earlier that morning when I was busy taking care of things around the house that didn't require money, and in my stressed out about money moment, kinda yelled at her and told her I DIDN'T want to go to any appt- she could wait until she was 18, I HAD THINGS TO DO!!!!

She gave me the money after that, when I thought there would be no hope for money until after my staycation weekend!

So, I cried. What a selfless act! Especially after I had been so snappy with her!!

God told me two things later in the day, on my way to spend that money. #1. He answered my prayer. It might not have been the multi- million lottery that I was talking about when I was asking him for money that would allow me to be a stay at home mom and swim in my pool when all of my chores were done, BUT none the less, he gave me exactly what I needed "just enough". I was grateful and thanked him.
I -most of the time- think that I am not that great of a mom. My friends and family and whom ever tell me different, but they are not there day to day when I am screaming and yelling (a herited trait) and they are fighting like they hate each other and I keep thinking that when I fell so far from church, so did they....

When she gave me the money I ask how is this possible that she would do this after I got snappy with her....

#2 God told me it was my parenting..... I taught my daughter this by my own actions, that aren't so bad sometimes. That is what I got from him on Friday, the second day of my staycation that made me feel so good...... And I got my accts cleared up on that day and had money for Saturday and even money for after church today.......

Life lessons, they are all around us...... daily... just ask!

12/24/08

It's been a while to journal on this particular post. That's because I haven't been to church since then.

I went on Sunday.

He talked about self worth, or more like self image. Maybe I am getting self esteem mixed up with self image. I will have to work on figuring that out. I think I have more of a self image prob.

I am glad that I went - no matter, but I need to make a habit of it. I wanted to stay home and clean, and it would have been a good time to do that with no kids, but I was a good girl and Im glad! Habit, habit, habit like my life before!!

12/28/08- Im pretty sure anyway. It is Sunday.

Well the sermon was interesting today, in the fact that I knew what he was talking about, but honestly I am not sure if he made a point.

He kinda (by my notes anyway) started out about how Israel fell away from God after Joshua died ( in Judges) and started worshiping idols n stuff and their relationship with him was just medeocre.

That was really kind of interesting to me because I kinda liken my life to the Israelites, in the fact that I had this life changing stuff in a church class that I took for a whole semester the year before I turned 40. She talked about how significant 40 was in the Bible. I journaled it once- like the flood, 40 days and 40 nights, like Lent is 40 days, like the Israelites wandered in the desert for 40 years- that kind of stuff.

So, I have 10 years to be 40. I feel like I have wandered in the desert for 40 years (that class was a real turning point in my life, a real lesson that I learned about a lot of things that I still remember to this day), and I was real close to God and then I really fell away the last three years, hard and far and fast!! I now have a lukewarm relationship with God and the funny thing is he used this analogy to describe it in such a GOOD way!!!!......

He was talking about having a girlfriend in highschool and how he had one of those big cars with the full front seat that could fit 3 people. He said like how in the beginning of their relationship how she sat right next to him in the front seat and then after awhile their relationship cooled off a bit and she sat farther and farther away from him. Then, one day she wanted to talk about what happened to them, why they didn't sit next to each other anymore. He said look I am the driver- I HAVE TO SIT HERE, YOU are the one who moved.

And he said that is much like us.

There comes a time when we stop feeling God's presence in our lives. It's not like he isn't there and I freaked out the first time I felt that and then years later realized it happens to all of us sooner or later. Some sooner, some later, some for a longer period of time or more often and we wonder where God is. He pointed out that WE (she in his analogy) moved away from him. He is still exactly where he was before. Interesting. So, he says, instead of asking God "where are you?" we should be asking "what have I done to move away from you?"

That is mostly what I got out of his sermon. How Israel (me) moved away from God.

He also talked some about David's integrity, how Jesus was a carpenter and in James he says to consider it all joy-

like when we are in our trials because it is in our testing period- like school, always being tested. If you fai, you have to retake the test in a different manner or over and over until you pass it. Some of us are stuck in the same class for years and years. We are all at a different learning level.

- we are being tested and we should look at it as working toward a promotion and how James understood that.

A little jumpy if you ask me, but it did pertain to me and how I think. It will give me some things to ponder for the week that's for sure.

01/30/2009

Went to church, Spring of Life, a couple of weeks ago- three actually- with Jen and Corey, they even put Elli in class and she didn't even cry!! Ben, Chris, Bess, Erin and her two little ones came too! It was kinda cool. A small church. I think I will try and go with them every other weekend.

This weekend I have Adi and Aaron and we are going to try Grace Community. That is one of the schools that they might be going to. So, I thought that we would check out the church!!

I missed it two weeks ago because I had Emma and Emma WON'T go to a class (her parents taught that to her from the first time I wanted to take her to church) and there is NO WAY I would bring her in to service! NO WAY!! I really wanted to go too! I couldn't get ahold of Jeffrey.

I think I'm going to have to set some "babysitting" limits with her parents!

Hopefully church will be good and we will have found a new "home" even if we do go to Spring of Life every other weekend.

AND....

Is it wrong to say a small prayer for the Cardinals to win the Superbowl??

04/08/09 (I think, it's Thursday)

Didn[t pre-read where I left off except that I was talking about Spring of Life. Well, we have started to go to Bethany Community. Aaron and Carol are going to put the kids in Christian school. I think both anyway. Adison for sure. I started at Grace Community- I went once. I didn'c care for the sermon. It was a racial theme- the pastor was not white- and it really seemed irrelevent to what the title of the message was. I couldn't place them together and it angered me for several days afterward- Like we were all racists or prejudice. I kept thinking that back then "race" was not necessarily the color of the skin (they were all brown- middle eastern), "race" to me meant the area you came from, your religion (being a jew- a non jew would be out of your race). He said there were other prejudice things and he didn't mean just color- but he talked about that in one paragraph- being old, fat, rich or poor. ONE paragraph- but he wasn't just talking about the color of one's skin for an hour and 1/2. It kinda rubbed me the wrong way.


I like Bethany so far. I would have kept going to Grace in spite of his lousy sermon, everyone has a point that they are trying to get across- it just seemed to me his was personal and he was making it public- BUT, Adi shadowed at Bethany and when I found out that they too had a church attached to the school and went, I discovered that they had so much to offer. Aaron goes every Wednesday night as well as Adi. I take a Crown Financial class that night (6 weeks into a 10 weekseries), there is a very active singles class. They just don't meet on Sundays only and it doesn't feel like a meat market. They go to lunch after church, they go to dinner a night or two a month, they have adult activities as well as kid activities. So far I like it.

We are once again active every Sunday and I have even been going when it is not my weekends with the kids! I think for Easter tho. I would like to go to WOG (I know the name has changed, but it will always be WOG to me, I think)

The sermons are not Gary Kinniman and the music is not the Gathering band (I love it hardcore- well hard core for church anyways), but like Gary always said- we are a consumer driven society and with everything else Bethany has to offer me and my family.... I think we'll stay awhile.

I still go to WOG. I love it there. They are really just in a huge transition right now. We'll see how things go. I just picked Bethany because that is what Adi decided to choose for school and maybe, just maybe she will make some friends now and over the summer so that she will have friends when she starts school in the fall.

Thats all folks..... for now. I will be running late for work if I don't get a move on!!1

justagirl

9/6/08
I have a secret. I seen him last night. I wanted to last weekend and a friend "rescued" me in the nic of time and I went over to her house instead. I only told one person that I was on my way to see him.

Then yesterday I knew I was going to. I tried to fight it and I don't know why I had such the urge. I have had a down couple of days and I have so much blame on him. I wanted to cry with him since it is his fault and I wanted him to comfort me.

He did. I spent the night. I don't regret it today and I don't really know what is going on in my head or my heart with this.

It was like the old days on my dads front porch. The old guy. The one I fell in love with. Oxymoronic. Beautifully scary. Painfully comfortable. Good. Bad. Right. Wrong. Positive. Negative.

I have to make sure that I am careful. He has things to prove. I have faith, but I don't believe him. I hear his words and I love them, but I don't believe them.

Next time..... I watched the fights with him at his brother's house. We sat on the couch together it was sadly comfortable. I don't know if this is good for me or not. Probably not. I told him it would be awhile before I saw him again. There is no reason to during the week. We are not dating. I have my kids next weekend and would prefer that the whole entire clan didn't know anything just yet. He has wounds to heal with other's as well.

Out of six kids. I have three that think it is my business (two are way under age to even understand what the hell happened except that we broke up and he moved out) and I have three that would pretty much chastise me for even texting him regularly.... not two mention my two best est friends. He fucked up way bad this time. Ya this time like in more than once. Ugly, I know. Stupid, I KNOW. Forgiving??? Optimistic??? Hopeful??? Naive???..... ugh!! the saga continues..... as I am justagirl

9/9/08
What the F is wrong with me???!!! I sent him a dear john letter today- email. I have my suspicions that he is emailing an old girlfriend- Rachael to be exact. I should have no part of this... (i miss the little things, like you laying your head in my lap) what was I thinking?

I was thinking... that if he was starting to email her (I know what you are thinking, you are thinking that I am out running around and seeing all these girls and I'm not) and he knew that there was this possibility of a chance because he (loves me so much and misses me so much) that he would stop dead in his tracks and realize how much he really does love me and miss me and that he f'd up so badly that he has so much to do to (win me back and I know that I hurt other people as well) that he can't even think of another girl.

I was thinking.... that I am so very lonely that this is painful and he is comfortable and we could be friends until I thought something might be going on with someone else- even if it is just an "innocent" email or text. I don't believe in innocent and it sure as fuck didn't take me long to think something now did it???

When we were together and I thought something I didn't want it to be true and it was anyway. What makes me think things would be any different now when we are not even together???

I hate this. Now I feel lonely again and I didn't for that.... two days.... and I maybe feel that I want to take back the email... but I can't he's not good for me... like an addiction.... but I don't like to feel lonely and I can stop the feeling...... with just a text..... I do love him. I LOVE HIM. But I didn't do this to us HE DID (I took you for granted and I'm the one that pushed you away and for that I am sorry).....

He's sorry.... He's emailing someone else..... He will prove it to me... but he's emailing someone else...... (I think). I think that I know....

Maybe he has done so much damage that I can't be with him because I would be this crazy fool always wondering- NO THANK YOU VERY MUCH SAYS MY STOMACH, MY HEAD, I just couldn't take that. My heart says NO his is serious this time, really...... I can't take the pain....


9/10/08

So much for "shut 'er down mikey".... he called after the email... I heard his voice, I cracked. I'm weak. I'M WEAK I TELL YOU!!! WEAK!!!! wtf??!!

I want to believe him..... there's damage.....

Here we go...... again.....

9/15/08
I'm not sure about how this is going. My oldest daughter and middle son aren't talking to me. My oldest son is cordial, but talks shit about him behind his back. My middle daughter thinks it is no one else's business and the other two are just young. We hung out a bit this weekend. He came over and fixed a ceiling fan and spent the night and then we hung out some to watch football.

I want to believe him with all my heart, but there just may be too much damage and I can't take this with my family. They are hurting my feelings, BAD. I am the mother after all, not too bad of one, but not the child- this is MY life..... No??

10/14/08

The middle of the month.

I sent him another email this morning- kinda, sorta lining out my intentions.... that some day there will be no more texting or emailing. I don't know why I keep hanging on a little here and a little there.

I seen him again this weekend. It all felt like it was innocent enough. I had coupons for cigarettes. I told them about them a week or so ago.

To be honest, I really don't think I want to see him anymore. It is uncomfortable. And I think he thinks things.

Everytime we have gotten together (twice I think, actually), I have had something totally different in mind than what really happened.

I didn't want to see him when T came over with him. I was tired. I didn't want to drink. I didn't want company and I didn't stick up for myself as strongly as I should have.

I think, secretly, I wanted to see him. Just see him. But then she played cupid and I was mad at myself and mad at her.

I did have things to say to him, but I think..... when I went over and hung out with him that first night.... Im not sure what took place.

My intentions: were to go over cry at him, yell at him and just GET IT ALL OUT. I mean after all he is the one who hurt me and I needed him to know- like he didn't already know.

It went well. I didn't really get it all out, but the scenerio was happening as planned. He held me like I wanted and I cried a lot. Then when I should have went home (fateful error) I didn't. He took that as me wanting sex I think. I didn't. We did anyway. I mean it wasnt like I said "NO". He assumed and I let it happen.

I thought I would regret it the next day more than I did. I kinda didn't.- Oh and I guess it's been three times now that I've seen him.

He came over to fix something for me..... ahhh the ceiling fan. It's not like I didn't have the boys try, I did. It was just way more complicated for me and two stoned teenagers could manage!

Some of the kids were so upset with me that it pissed me off and I rebelled and he spent the night and the majority of the next day.

I sent him a "dear John letter" by email...... Then I (why oh why AGAIN do I do this to myself and why do I think this way??- F!N! STUPID OF ME!!!) I (as in ME, MYSELF) felt bad for doing it in away and made sure that HE didn't feel bad by texting a little and then it got to be more and more....."..... but a little wouldn't do it so a little got more and more...." (GNR you know).

Am I stupid?? So..... I had these coupons. I invited him to have pizza with me and the younger ones after church. It was okay. I had planned on taking him home from the pizza place.... was just going to give the coupons, eat, hang out and then take him home... I had things to do.

But, NO.... I invited him over. WHY? Not sure really. He did fix the flag pole for me ( love flags and used to hang those cutesy girlie ones for every change of the season and holiday- then it broke... while he lived here... I was even given one for Mother's Day... while he lived here....).

He also strung the weed eater, but it didn't last long and when I'd eaten 5 feet the string wouldn't come out anymore.....

So, we hung out and drank beer and I went to bed and proceeded to pass out, he came and I left the door open and the kids were in and out. I think he fell asleep for a bit and then he went home.

I wasn't looking for sex. I didn't want sex from him the last two times. SO WHY DO I KEEP DOING THIS???

I told him (in an email- Im a fucking coward, I KNOW) that this "healing" is going to take a long time. That it is only prolonging it by texting him and emailing him..... and that eventually it is all going to have to stop.... that is pretty much what I said.......

WTF is wrong with me to keep dragging this out so long. I know what is going to happen. The lonliness is going to set in and it is going to bring some hurt with it, AND HE WAS WRONG not me and he will find the girlfriend before I am ready to date and HE WILL HAVE SOMEONE AND I WON'T and that will hurt too and if not then I will feel guilty for having someone and he doesn't (not that THAT will happen).

I should have let sleeping dogs lie, when they were sleeping..... AND SUCKED IT UP like a big girl!

12/7/08

Ooops! I did it again. (Britany who?)- all these songs just keep coming to my mnd.

I really have to STOP texting! REALLY! I text and it seems innocent enough and then alcohol and an urge and then I control the urge BUT it is now in his head. A little email, a little suggestion. I say I think its not a good idea..... He invites me to his Christmas party..... I have mixed feelings.... I don't want to go, but I do want to go. Im not sure why I DON'T want to go and Im not sure why I DO want to go either..... no time to really ponder.....

Actually the night before I had only the younger kids who like him. I even called the big kids to make sure they had plans, like Im having an affair!!! He came over and ended up spending the nite. No sex.

Then he goes home. Then I go to the party. Then Im uncomfortable n he is trashed (happy trashed) and I have two beers and we leave. I feel bad that we are leaving he seems to be having fun. But he leaves with me anyway...... and we have sex.

12/09/08

The whole time I'm on my way to the party I am thinking that this is a mistake. But I continue on feeling already committed. He was drunk, happy drunk, not embarrassing- I guess they were all embarrassing so he fit in. On the way home it felt like it used too, so maybe it wasn't totally his actions, perse, at that particular moment as it was the whole deluge of memories that it was bringing back.

How he is (or at least used to be) drunk all the time and loud and embarrassing, so I didn't really give him a chance- NO not that he deserves any kind of chance, but I am the one that agreed to hang out with him for the party. I just couldn't put on the party face once I got there.

He is loud in the store in his happy drunk way with the F bomb dropping loud and clear with a few others. We get home and I certainly DON'T want to have sex with this drunk person, but I know he's been waiting and he looks at me with such pain in his eyes expecting the "no" and I just can't say know. We do and it's good as usual (and the Self Esteem song by Offspring pops into my head- not in the middle or anything, but just right now).

Then when he is gone the next day I am so very lonely for him that I just almost can't take it. I cry, I drink, I wonder WTF!

I want so bad to believe his words and for him to be back in my life again. I didn't think that I would ever be single again. I KNEW that he loved me and adored me and I wanted that and I loved him and here I am back on rocky ground again. Shoulda woulda coulda's. Go thru my head for every aspect of my life right now. I feel.... defeated sometimes.


I kinda know WTF actually. I thought about it and thought about it yesterday. I love being adored- he adores me with his words and his immediate actions when he is next to me. BUT you know- it seems to me that he always adored me with his words so I have to be careful with that. His words don't mean anything........

He swears he's changed, but I don't' see the change so I can't believe him. Im really not even 100% sure that he is not seeing other people from time to time even tho he swears that he is not.

It has been 6 months now. I think I should see a change. I really want to see a change, but I really don't see any change at all except the fact that there is a possibility that he is keeping his dick in his pants..... and if that is really the case, then why didn't he protest when I asked him to use a condom??? He wouldn't have needed one. He could have said so. "Look baby that really isn't necessary" he didn't.

12/24/08

This is mostly the "dating experience and the ex-boyfriend area". Im not dating right now. Im not in the mood (go figure!! I MUST be growing up!) and I don't have time. As for the "ex-boyfriend" I should really REALLY be over him before I am even thinking of dating!

I am, kinda sorta, mostly. I mean I don't want to be with him. I so want to believe his words, but I am treating this as a domestic violence kind of realationship in that- usually in those relationships he hits her, says he's sorry, he won't do it again, he does it again, and she leaves BUT this time he REALLY IS VERY SORRY AND REALLY WON'T EVER DO IT AGAIN- HE HAS LEARNED THIS TIME. But, I think there is a pattern in relationships like that.

Inlcuding mine. He had the internet moment- it didn't mean anything, he didn't realize it was wrong even tho- he lied and he hid it. If he didn't think it was wrong, why would you have to do that in the first place, it would be open for all to see then more of a "deer in the headlights look"- huh? you mean Im not supposed to talk to other girls on the internet. Really I didn't know, it was innocent, I mean look, it's out there in the open for all to see..... kind of thing, but that wasn't the way it happened. This was private chat rooms and shutting those down whenever my daughter walked by and then lying to me and then lying about the phone calls til I got the bill- like what??? I don't look at my bill?? But it was innocent you know....

Then there was "Tanya" which was a huge sexual thing, but I forgave him because of the tragedy of Corey. I kinda "thought" I knew what was going on in his head. The grief, the saddness, the need to take care of what was Corey's. She was coming on very strong and I think she wanted him to take Corey's place...... I think HE wanted to take Cory's place. We should have NEVER got back together at that point, EVER.

But, then to have a down right- behind my back kind of affair for a long period of time, with my daughter-in-law no less (who was not ever innocent in any of her relationships and we all knew this and knew what she was doing)......

So, now that he is moved out..... he is really REALLY sorry. This time he really REALLY means it. It won't EVER happen again.

No, I have to say that it won't ever happen again. There will be no chance for it to ever happen again.

I still have greif and we still text and a tiny piece of me (getting smaller and smaller as time goes on) wants to believe this time that I KNOW he has really really changed and would NEVER EVER do it again.

But, I hear his words and I really see no change in his life, so what is there to really REALLY make me think that this time he really, REALLY means it?? NOTHING, really REALLY!!

01/08/09

The last time that he came over and we slept together. I didn't even really want to and Im not sure why. Maybe I know that it is really over and why go thru the motions. I also thought that I would be the one hurting him.

But, that was not the case. I was pretty devistated for two days. I knew that I shouldn't have gone to the party in the first place. I didn't even want him to sleep in my bed.

I also thought I was tototally cool if we slept together. So, then after that I got to thinking about how hard it was going to be when he "found" someone else. More like when I find out that he "found" someone else. It's not like he is going to tell me.

After missing the twins (and a little sister) birthday party- I was invited- I never remember dates. Usually when I don't show up not only do I have him calling me and asking if I am coming, but I have his sister-in-law calling and asking where Im at.

Now, don't get me wrong, this NEEDS to happen and I really couldn't afford another mother fucking birthday in Decemeber, but to be lied to and deceived. Oh??? Is this something new?? Oh?? Am I really surprised?? WTF is wrong with me?? DUH!!

So, when Christmas rolls around Im thinking, hmmm when the fuck was that birthday?? So, Rachel DID go. I think I KNOW this in my heart of hearts.

I think it was confirmed this morning when I got an email from the sister in-law and it was also addressed to Rachel. They weren't even friends before, that I know of. She was over there once before and the sister-in-law was like "Im not even sure why shes here" (again DUH!). So, now all of the sudden they are email buddies.

Like I said it needs to happen, but why does he keep texting me and trying to deny it. Actually his words were "I haven't slept with anyone but you" since the last time he fucked up. But, he also told me.....

He is GREAT for this....... This is his "M-O".....

She is a Mormon, she wouldn't sleep with me (or something along those lines) NOT that he's NOT interested. The same as with Sperry..... I wouldn't fuck her she slept with a nigger. Not that "oh honey, I love you, Im faithful to you, I wouldn't hurt YOU like that" No not that. I knew right then he would sleep with her. He was never that faithful of a "skin" to pass up a young, pretty piece of ass. Oh and the Britanya thing.... "she's cool" "she's just a friend" AGAIN not, look honey, you're the one I love..... Stupid.

It was the same with Amberlie- I wouldn't do that she is Jeffrey's wife.

I DON'T want him. I haven't wanted him for a long time. Not even while we were still living together.

I mean I loved him, for what ever that means.

But, I was tired of supporting him. Tired of cleaning up after him. Tired of asking him to help around the house. Tired of him not fixing things with all his time off.

He is an alcoholic- an honest to goodness- shakes until a first drink- alcoholic.

He has no motivation to get divorced, they have been seperated for something like......10-12 years. She has lived in another state with NO contact with him for..... 6-8 years or more.

He has no motivation to get a better job. He would LITERALLY make more money working at McDonalds than he does right now doing what he is doing.

He has no motivation to get his drivers license. He has no car. He lives with his parents.

And thru all this (as I discovered after the Christmas party thing) that it is really going to hurt when he finally does 'fess up to seeing Rachel, if that is what is going on.

Besides a dyke that swings both ways and her- Im not too sure that there is anyone else that would want to even fuck him. Well, that's what everyone else tells me anyway.

But, if he can find all this ass while we are living together, what makes me think he still can't when he has no ties.....

I think he is stringing me along. uh oh, is this another DUH?? I guess it hurts to not be worth someones effort. ESPECIALLY his. I have this stupid theory.

I don't have much self worth. It has to do with that.

Why am I so attracted to tattoos and certain kinds of guys??

01/30/2009

Well I didn't hear from him texting- we just kinda quit- for a week. We still don't text, but he emailed me yesterday. Hi, how are ya, still need help with the dogs kinda thing.

Good. Nope. You?

Good. busy. moving.

That was it. I feel good about the situation. I'm a little lonely a lot of the time, but I am doing good.

I feel like I am really single. Not ready to date, but a single person. I'm o.k. with that.

04/09/2009 Passover. Put red around the doors to protect your first born.....

Well, I know that I slept with him once this year. I thought it was sometime in Jan, but I guess it had to be Feb. and it had to be after Valentines. We haven't talked since. He helped me move my mothers things from storage. I really did need the help. The first weekend it was me and Ben.

The next weekend it was me and Ben and then Rich came and helped with the couch AND Im not sure if he was there that day or not. I think yes. He came again the following weekend for sure and we got it all done! All of it.

He said that he quit texting because he seen a truck (the work truck that I drove home to move my moms stuff) and thought he would back off. I thought that was quite nice of him.

A couple of weeks later my car broke down and I drove a different work truck home and I kinda giggled at the thought- if he just happend to drive by or have someone else see it there. And then when Lorianne was here she had rented a red Mustang and she was there for a week and then traded it in for a white one.

My dad even stopped by to see who it was. Ha!Ha! We haven't text at all since the last time in Feb. I text him last weekend to see about the grill in my back yard. Im going to give it to my son. Then yesterday when my other son wanted his daughters phone number. But, that is it.

I was doing EXCEPTIONALLY well for a few weeks. Not looking at other guys really, not caring. having my own stuff to do.

Then all of the sudden- a little twinge, a little lonliness, a little checkin things out here and there- flirting....

I believe that I am not ready. I don't know for sure. I feel o.k., good actually. Maybe just a little impatient, aprehensive.

Im not even sure I would know what to do with a man except for sex. I want a real relationship this time. Not one based on sex. But, I don't know how to do that. And what is the difference if it starts out sexual and then goes from there or not??

I mean I was married for 13 years once and it started out as sexual and we would still be married if he wouldn't have been so dam mean and hurtful and angry. If I would have just been a little more worldly maybe, a little tougher....

Then I was married for 7 years (well 5 of them acutally living together married). That was also a sexual relationship, but he was so young I think. Hadn't really sown them wild oates.

But, Im also thinking....

I really don't want another broken heart.

I don't really want to date.

I just want to be in a loving, fun, satisfying, safe, beautiful, faithful, caring, honest, deep, fullfilling, worthwhile relationship! Someone who is comfortable to be around. Someone who enjoys being with me too and doing things together and has their own friends and the same type of interests and goals and who could love my kids and love me enough. Enough to be thoughtful, faithful, respectful and trustworthy.

I wonder if he is even out there. For ME I mean. Someone just for me or have I used up all my chances?? Is there really someone out there?? Is it really so much to ask for??

I have no possibilities at the moment. NONE! Not ONE! There hasn't been one real possibility.

I have (almost) joined the singles group at church. I really need to know how to go about this whole relationship thing in the first place. I need to finish reading "The Ten Commandments of Dating" and see exactly what that says.

Aghhh!!!! *&^%

iTs ALL iN My hEaD

9/06/08
I am trying this new thing. Maybe a type of meditation.... "be still and know......" to sit for- 10, 15 minutes a day. Just sit and be still and do nothing.

Now if I do this at the right time of the day, usually in the a.m. when all are sleeping and all is quiet and I have coffee so that when I sit to be still I don't actually fall asleep, it works.

Now I am curious. I can't turn off my head- no way no how. Just can't. So one version that I recently read said to let your mind go.... just go at random and wander. It says that you may think of a bad break up and it may be more painful in your head than you remember it being, you may remember things here and there good and bad from your past. Also that soon enough when you sit and be still after a period of time all those things will be fewer and fewer inbetween and not last as long and somehow this is getting it all out.

So does that apply for everything. I mean if I sit and be still and mundane things go thru my head first....... I don't have time to sit here, I should be cleaning something... how much time do I actually have before I have to wake up the kids and not be late, the grocery list, did I turn the water off on the front lawn, can I take a sip of coffee while I am sitting here being still?, I should have gone to the gym this a.m....... all those things would go thru my head if I just let it wander. Or am I supposed to let it wander in a controlled type of wandering??? Like o.k. I am going to think of this period in my life, kind of wandering.

For the most part when I sit to be still I cry. I am so stressed and this is such a painful time in my life that is all I can do when I am alone and don't have something occupying my time. I break down and sob and think of all the things that are making me cry. Maybe that is really good for now and I should just stick with that and get all this particular crap out of my head.

Hey look, for now I think I just answered my own question.....

Unfortunately, I have only had time twice since I read the article.

Once I sobbed and it brought me all the way back to being a little girl. She is sitting hugging her legs, rocking back and forth and we are sobbing together. I don't touch her for I know she doesn't want to be touched. I don't know why she is crying only why I am crying. I sit by her and gently let the side of my foot touch the side of her foot. And we sit and cry. Then soon I stop and soon she stops, she is still rocking, but somehow I feel that she is comforted for the moment, in a safe way and her breathing is that racking sound your body makes after a long, good, hard cry.

I get up and 15 minutes had gone by.

The next time I have a hard time and sit and think of the mundane things- 10 minutes go by and that is all I can take before the busy body inside me takes over.

Would take time now, but I would fall asleep.

The next time..... this was yesterday 9/7/08 I'm not sure for how long I sat, maybe 20 minutes or maybe 30. This time I went back to Alaska. There were some friends that I was not allowed to hang out with back then (the main one, 30 years later, we are still friends and still in touch). I lied one time saying that I was going to church and we went on top of the mountain (Mt Edgecomb? or maybe that was on the other island- it's been too long) we drank and smoked pot and I can still picture this serene scene in my head as I stood atop this mountain and looked down into this beatuful, tree filled, flowing with flowers valley down below. It looked like a painting the air was so crisp and still and it was so quiet up there. The memory haunts me beautifully to this day. I remember getting beat for that by my mother's boyfriend and also grounded for an extreme period of time, but to this day it was way worth it.

I cried and cried over those times. Highschool, the fishy smell of the ocean, the crunch beneath my feat when I walked on the partially frozed ground, the friends, thinking of my ex-boyfriend, he was my first love. I have always missed that place. I never wanted to leave.

The memories also told me that I do have so many regrets. So many shoula woulda coulda's go thru my head. Things I did and shouldn't have and didn't do that I should've. You can't turn back time.

Then when my mind started wandering to my "grocery list" I quit sitting. I went and bought beer to waste more of my time and drank it with someone most of my family wouldn't approve of..... such is my life......

Why Yes I AM a CARDINALS FAN!!

o.k. I just HAVE to put these article's in here. One is about a scorned football player that STEALS another (his replacement) football players Gucci luggage- classic story, a must read- I think the 2nd story.

The first I found funny- it has to do with all 11 of us Cardinal fans- which everyone jokes at my work and says that I house 6 of the 11. I laughed...

The 3rd is about a quarterback supposidly going to watch football at a friends house and not letting his mama know where he went and ....... get this.... the SWAT TEAM were called out to help look for him and a pyschiarist was called out to meet him at an undisclosed location when they did find him.

TALK ABOUT BIZZARE HAPPENING IN THE NFL....... CLASSIC- doesn't make my homelife look so bad! Ha!Ha!



FOX Sports on MSN - NFL - Forget chic sleeper picks, here are real dark horses

Welcome to The Sundays of Our LivesKevin Hench readies you for the newest NFL soap opera."-->

by Kevin Hench
Kevin Hench is a frequent contributor to FOXSports.com. An accomplished film and television writer, Hench's latest screenwriting credit is for The Hammer, which stars Adam Carolla and is now available on DVD.

Will Brett find love in the big city? Will virtuous Kurt prove pure of heart in place of bad boy Matt? Is that Chad or his evil twin? Can Adam start over? Will Rudi get his underwear back?
Like sands through the hourglass, so are the Sundays of our lives.
The Old Man and the C
Now that Brett Favre has been voted a captaincy by his teammates and hailed as a savior in New York, all he has to do is carry a team that went 4-12 last season on his 38-year-old shoulders.

My friend Rich Hanrahan used to do a standup bit about the fickleness of the New York sports fan. He compared the outpouring of love for Jim Abbott after he threw a no-hitter for the Yankees ...
"That guy's a hero! He's got one arm! He just threw a no-hitter! He's a hero!"
... to the reaction after Abbott got shelled in his next start ...
"Go back to the circus you one-armed freak!"
For now Brett Favre is the belle of the ball. But should a couple of his balls get picked by safety Yeremiah Bell or other members of the Dolphins defense on Sunday, well, he'll find out just how hard it is to make love last in New York.
And if Chad Pennington outplays Favre on Sunday, you know some Jets fans will be grumbling, "We never shoulda let dat guy go."
Cardinal Sins
NFL coaches don't care about good and evil. They don't care if one guy is a devout Christian and the other a partying lout who sees no cause bigger than himself. But they do care about woefully under-throwing receivers and failing to put the ball in the end zone.
So, with that in mind, Cardinals coach Ken Whisenhunt has tabbed true believer Kurt Warner as his starting quarterback. The decision was first reported after Matt Leinart posted a 2.8 QB rating in an exhibition apocalypse against the Raiders two weeks ago. Apparently Whisenhunt is old school enough to believe your quarterback rating has to exceed the number of girls in your hot tub.
After throwing 21 touchdowns in the final eight games last year — more than record-setting Tom Brady — Warner must be wondering why he had to compete for the job in the first place. But he'll be under center against the Niners on Sunday. The last time he faced San Francisco all he did was throw for 484 yards and two touchdowns.
Meanwhile, Leinart will have to find the strength to persevere as a well-paid understudy. Oh, and he'll also have to find some arm strength if he's ever going to be a consistent starter in the NFL.
Esquizofrenia Paranoica
A mysterious character has arrived in Cincinnati who looks exactly the same as Chad Johnson. But he swears his name is Chad Ocho Cinco. Could this be Chad's evil twin? Well, no, because how could you behave worse than Chad Johnson? It must be Chad's benevolent twin, a humble Latino who will hand the ball to the referee after each touchdown.
Chad may have changed his name, but the Bengals have not changed their stripes. Not only did they welcome back Chris Henry, but they did precious little to improve the league's 27th-ranked defense.
Ocho Cinco. A new identity for one man and the approximate number of points Cincinnati will allow when it faces the Browns and Cowboys in Weeks 4 and 5.
Now that the name change is legal and official, the Bengals should trade Chad to a team where No. 85 is taken. Say, the Chargers (Antonio Gates) or Packers (Greg Jennings). Chad Ocho Nueve?
But seriously, a Bengals wide receiver legally changes his last name and it's the one whose name we could spell. Great.
Pac Is Back
Not since teenage boys were fantasizing about Victoria Principal has there been this much pent-up anticipation in Dallas.
The 21st century triplets — Tony Romo, Terrell Owens, Marion Barber III — were gone in the first 13 picks of my fantasy draft. Felix Jones looks like he's ready to be the lightning to Barber's thunder. Tank Johnson looks ready to be the anchor of a ferocious 3-4 defense.
And now — after 18 months on a rollercoaster — Adam Jones is ready to start over. Thanks to the injured groin of Terence Newman (seen here on his own emotional rollercoaster), Pac may be starting over as a starter Sunday against the Browns. So much for easing into things in the nickel package, covering the slot. Now Jones will be forced to run with Braylon Edwards and Donte' Stallworth from the first play. And pretty much everybody outside Cowboy Nation will be rooting for him to fail.
Tatum Bell Hop
While many Bengals have spent their checkered careers accumulating unwanted baggage, former All-Pro tailback Rudi Johnson needed only a couple of hours to shed his baggage in Detroit.
Apparently not everyone was watching the quiet dignity with which the last men cut from the Dallas Cowboys on Hard Knocks accepted their releases.
According to reports, Tatum Bell, the man who was cut to make room for Rudi, was so displeased with his displacement he left the Lions' facility with the Gucci luggage Johnson had received as a Pro Bowl gift. Bell contends it was all a misunderstanding, but at the very least he seems to have proven he deserves a spot in the NFL ... he'd fit right in with Rudi's old team.
The bags were returned without their contents by an unidentified woman.
"I got the bags back — empty," Johnson said. "So he's got a bunch of my underclothes. What he's going to do with that, I don't know. He's got some socks and boxers."
Bell issued this bizarre non-denial to the Detroit Free Press:
"I wasn't thinking or nothing," he said. "I just grabbed the backpack and grabbed the other bag. They weren't in nobody's locker or nothing like that. They were just sitting there by the computer area right there. I grabbed them and put them in the car."
Oh, well, as long as they were in the computer area and you grabbed them and put them in your car, by all means, help yourself to the contents therein.

9/07/08
THEY WON! THEY WON! THEY WON! Against the 49er's FINALLY!!! Don't know how long it's been since we won against that team! WooHoo!!!! Yea for "all 11 of us fans"!!

9/10/2008


Titans Team Report
Yahoo! Sports 11 hours, 57 minutes ago
Buzz Up
Print
Inside Slant
Just when it was thought the plot twist on “Vince Young and the Restless” couldn’t become any more bizarre, came a Monday night missing person’s manhunt for the Tennessee Titans quarterback.
Young, who failed to show up at Baptist Sports Park on Monday for a scheduled MRI on his injured left knee, apparently left his suburban home in an emotional state without telling anyone where he was headed.
With Young’s state of mind in question, someone at the house called Titans coach Jeff Fisher, who in turn called Metro Nashville Police to begin a search for Young.
ADVERTISEMENT
if(window.yzq_d==null)window.yzq_d=new Object();
window.yzq_d['pgDoB9j8fW8-']='&U=13en7rodn%2fN%3dpgDoB9j8fW8-%2fC%3d674272.12804532.13083457.1323516%2fD%3dSKY%2fB%3d5404999%2fV%3d1';
Four hours later, with SWAT team members on the lookout for the quarterback, Fisher finally made contact with him around 11 p.m. CDT.
According to Young’s agent, Major Adams, Young was at a friend’s house watching Monday Night Football.
Fisher encouraged Young to meet him at the practice facility, and Young obliged, arriving just over a half hour later.
Once he arrived, according to a police report, “Crisis Negotiators made the initial contact with the subject (Young) as he sat in his car. Shortly after the initial contact, the subject exited his vehicle to continue the dialog with the crisis negotiators,” according to the police report. “SWAT officers approached Mr. Young and checked his person for weapons. Mr. Young agreed to continue talking with officers inside the practice facility in a conference room. SWAT officers stood by outside of the conference room while Mr. Young talked with officers and a psychologist.
“After meeting with the psychologist, Mr. Young left the practice facility by himself in his vehicle. SWAT officers were then relieved of any further duties.”
Later, both Adams and Fisher called the ordeal a misunderstanding. Adams was asked what Young thought about the situation, and he replied, “He said he can’t believe he can’t just go and watch a game and people need to know where he is 24 hours a day.”
It capped a rough weekend for Young, who suffered a sprained MCL in Sunday’s win over Jacksonville, and appeared reluctant to go back into the game after throwing his second interception. It was on that series after the sideline incident that Young suffered the knee injury. There is no timetable for his return.

9/15/08

BAD CALLS ON SAN DIEGO!!! BAD BAD BAD! They should have won that game. BooHissBoo!! And GO CARDINALS!!! 2-0. Is this the first time ever???

We love our team, but now we are jokingly wondering... will that be it for the season? it will 2-14 at the end?? ba!ha!ha! jk

01/19/09

WELL HELL YA!!!! Why, YES we are a going to the Super Bowl!!! I thougt I was going to cry! Tears acutally stung my eyes on the way home!

I went to Buffalo Wild Wings with my youngest son to meet the group. We went at half time. It was touch and go for a split second in the third/fourth quarter. It was hard to watch! I was getting chest pains.

My hands were sore from all the high fives and my throat is still sore from all the screaming!! We had a blast. AMAZING!! I was sooo glad I didn't stay home! There were car honkings on the way home and in our neighborhood!!

WoW!!! It's about time!! I bet Chris is having to work with his dad today to clean up that field- yea for us, but all that confetti???? It'll take the next two weeks to get it all cleaned up!!

This is going to be the best Super Bowl that I have ever been too. One of my bestest friends is a Steeler's fan. I already started razzing him about his loss (ha!ha!). He's just gonna HAVE to go hang out with us!!!

Super Bowl. I called it last year when the Super Bowl was here..... I was just a year off!

Super Bowl.... I can't stop saying it....... Super Bowl 43!!

01/30/2009

Two days away. I can still cry thinking that they made it this far! WoW! I'm going to paint Aaron's face tomorrow for practice and then again on Sunday for THE BIG GAME!! WooHoo!!

Is it wrong to pray for a football team to win??? I want them to win sooooo badly!!

2/3/09

So,..... we are not the Superbowl champs for '09. That is o.k. Coming in second place in the nation isn't bad at all!! Also, it was a good game. Very good game!! Sad as I am about the whole thing. It was a good game.

RanDom tHouGhtS aNd ThIngS

Friday (so very T.G.I.F.)! 8/29/08

The computer was down this morning. That is almost like taking my coffee away. I wanted to sleep in. I had an awful night with the kids and all. Ben and Adi fighting. Aaron calling the cops from Minnesota- OMIGOSH!!! I was so f'n pissed. Here I leave work early already and I knew the kids were fighting..... I had been getting the phone calls at work for the past 30 min. totally driving me crazy while I am trying to get things done.

It was already kind of a stressful day with the computers down at work- making for a long day and tons more work for when they came back up again.... you get the picture... stressful catching up kind of work...- inbetween kids screaming, yelling phone calls!!!

12/2/08

I really thought I had posted since then. Maybe on another post. Im trying to get sick. For a week now. Weird, I hate it, it drags me down. I slept in. We all did.

Adi had a school function to go to last night and didn't get home til 10! Im not sleeping well right now...... It is almost 7:30- bus time and no one is close to being ready and here I am on the computer.

But, I have thoughts....... Bess and Chris officially slept away from home last night in their "new place" with Jeffrey. Humph! It is SO VERY weird to me. Ben spent the night over there too and Im going to have to call. He is not home yet and is also going to be late.

It was me and Adi and Aaron last night. I was just falling to sleep to all the thoughts I had in my head about that. All the thoughts on how quiet my house is going to be a lot more often. How much time Im going to acutally have...... How it will only be me and Ben every other weekend, unless he is gone somewhere.... How lonely Im going to be at times.... how much cleaner my house will be.... will any of my bill change with two moving out??

It sure doesn't seem to me that they really cost that much. I will find out for sure I guess over the next few weeks/ months.....



Then my daughter calls and is needing a ride to work...... now I have to leave early.... more stress- I need the hours. I already missed Monday this week and the next paycheck, that these shitty hours are on, will be the house payment week. Just great. I tell her she will have to help with the utility bill for me leaving early. I usually make her call in if she has to rely on me, but I really needed to get outta there..... and the kids......



So here I am driving home- I'm crying from the visit with the ex-boyfriend the night before and the shitty way T was trying to play cupid, like we just had some love spat or a quarrel or something minor and one of us are just being pig headed...... I was hurt by her actions and I was hurt by the visit and I had to tell her earlier that day and..... I was just plain not feeling very good... so crying about the visit, crying because I'm lonely and I am missing him, crying about the stressful week at work, crying about already missing Monday, crying about the kids fighting so....



And then I get the phone call..... Ben.... mom the cops are here. WHAT THE HELL???? How did that happen who f'n called the cops and WHY??????



Come to find out their DAD- WHO IS IN MINNESOTA felt it necessary like Ben was beating his sister....



All I can say about that is THANK YOU GOD when the cop was put on the phone and tells me that it appears that dad has over-reacted and he had a talk with Adison while he was there.....



I cried even more from the relief. Now it was most definitely beer thirty..... Do I beat Adi for throwing such a fit and causing all this trouble??



I called their dad and went off.... I was....

so pissed, but mostly hurt. How DARE he.

I was so very grateful to be able to tell him that the cop said he over reacted!!! Whew! I was picturing...... my younger kids being taken away.... my middle son going to jail..... all the things going thru my head.



I was crying so hard I was almost embarrassed to go into the store to buy beer, but I kept my shades on.....



@#$%!!



8/19ish
A new bus driver....... I seen the bus one morning, I didn't know they had openings on this bus for the a.m. so I had been driving my kids to school.

I get them on the route and we wait where we seen him stop before and as we are waiting I watch him stop just down the street at the stop sign. So I ask.... would you like them to wait at the other stop so that you don't have to stop twice.... yes yes he says and he is gruff and I am thinking ... here we go....

And then they were late one morning last week and he is leaving the bus stop by the stop sign and he stops in front of our house and lets my kids get on!! wOw!! I think! So then there was one day this week we were running really late because of the awesome thunderstorm that woke us up at 3:am and we didn't fall back asleep until after 4:am so we REALLY slept in!! So anyway I hear him honk. HE STOPPED AT MY HOUSE AND HONKED FOR MY KIDS AND WAITED THERE FOR THEM UNTIL WE WAIVED HIM OFF!!!! What a nice man! So I had the kids thank him at school and I am making the biggest effort on getting them out there early so that we don't take advantage of such a nice person! WoW! We might have to buy him a Christmas present!!

I have no computer at home right now.... at least as of this morning.... unless the boys get it taken care of while I'm at work.... what will I do not being able to journal for three whole days??? Ouch!!!

Saturday... 30th

I had my daughter bring over her lap top so I could get a few words in. I will pick up my computer from Lisa tomorrow so yea!!!

I am going to bbq today after all. A friend of the kids moved back from Cali and is coming over. My son is coming for a minute he has plans over somewhere else since I am not fond of who he is dating. Whatever....... He's either ignoring the fact that she slept with my ex boyfriend or doesn't care.

Whatever..... I guess it shouldn't bother me so much since it WAS AFTER we broke up, but the fact is that I knew she wanted to while we were still together that bothers me. I don't know for how long.... If he is going to get this serious with someone why doesn't he get his divorce then. I wonder about HER. Does she know what he is up too?? I mean just a few weeks ago they were calling the cops every single weekend for a domestic dispute.... now all of the sudden she is just fine??? and they are going their merry ways??? Emma says mom and dad are working on things, hmmmm.... bother!

Jen and Corey came over last night and we played Guitar Hero. Fun!!! The boys were tweeking on it all day long!! I did get work out of them tho, moved the awning, the old frige, the freezer- they even cleaned it out without me asking- woo hoo. Now to get the vine planted and laundry done, and room switched around tomorrow......

Both the teenagers will now have their own rooms!! Thank you God!!!! Seriously!! Hopefully will cut done on some of the fighting and I will be able to keep up on the little kids bedrooms and be able to find their school stuff when I need too!

9/9/08
Slept in this a.m. Usually that is due to the fact that I don't sleep well at night. I'm wide awake at 3a.m. regularly. Sucks.... I seen this commercial where this woman wakes up.... she is laying in her bed and she hears her blow dryer go on.... then off... then on.... off... she gets up and goes to the bathroom and turns on the light. There sitting on the edge of the sink is a rooster... he steps on the blow drying and it turns on.... then steps again and it turns off.... she just stands there in the doorway watching with this blank look on her face... I laughed so hard. I think it was... quietyourrooster.org or something like that.

No ONE gets it.... I think it's the best commercial I have seen in a LONG time!!

I heard my alarm go off and thought it was the first time (like 4:30) and then usually I lay there and it takes a long long time for it to go off again and I think it is way later than it is... this time it kept going off every like 30 seconds. I didn't even get up until 5:30!! Now it is 6:30 and I have lost track of time while checking my fantasy football team and brooding for a minute over my loss. I WAS PROJECTED TO WIN!! What the hell is wrong with some of these players.....???? Don't they realize that they are WORKING... we all have to do it.... GEEEZZZEEE!!!

So, now.... I f'd around and now I am behind. Really need to get up in time, at least one day this week. And go to the gym too. I have been so depressed that I have a hard time getting up. Usually I LOVE to get up in the a.m. while all is quiet.

Funny thing is I didn't even wake up once last night. Slept like a log and even missed my alarm for the first 45 minutes.. wtf??? Weird.

Need to get my shit together here!! When, when oh when will I be getting my shit together????

9/10
Well, it happened again. I slept all the way thru the night. Crazy. I woke up with my alarm, but I didn't hear it again for the first half hour. Again, I say, Crazy!

No gym again this a.m. I actually did think about it. I was up in a somewhat timely manor, but Bess used my car last night and she is not back so I am "lazily" using that for an excuse, but hey I did think about it. Which is more than I can say for the past week and half! Maybe I will actually go again soon. She was going to go with me, but I knew that wasn't going to happen. She closes at night- she's going to the gym with me at dark thirty- yea right.

Aaron (the dad) went and had a talk with the Principal yesterday and YES he agree'd that if a class is going to have a project the WHOLE class should participate and not just the ones who could afford it. That is what the teacher told me.......

There was a salt dough project. We bought 5lbs flour and a "can" of salt. First I didn't know it was going to take more than a can of salt, but he brought more than enough flour to share.

He didn't get to participate because the teacher told him he didn't bring anything to the class. So after I made sure that it wasn't because he was in trouble for something- extremely important to me seeing as how I have had experience with my angelic children in the past and went down to school in a rage because my angel had been wrongly mistreated by the teacher.... only to find out..... they weren't as angelic as they had portrayed to mama bear....

So after determining he REALLY, REALLY wasn't in trouble I sent a note to the teacher explaining something and wanting her to call. She did. A) he wasn't in trouble B) the class had a project and he along with some others did not get to participate C) it was only for the ones who brought material

o.k. this PISSED me off. We don't live in the best of neighborhoods. Some of these kids are poor. Some of the parents don't even have cars. Some are not really parents at all. Why should these kids get left out- even if Aaron didn't bring materials. That doesn't seem fair.

So, I called his dad and told him to go talk with the principal about this. It is unfair. IT IS DISCRIMINATORY I TELL YOU!!!!

Now I'm not a big kid fan so to speak. I've had six and that could possibly be the reason, but I'm not dumb enough to become a teacher either. You should definitely be a BIG HUGE fan of kids to have that job!!! But, I don't like to see kids being left out.

I was a FREAK for a brief period of time in grade school. I had collided with a wall once in..... 3rd? grade- at home over a weekend and spent 10 days in the hospital with a brain concussion. I had a wandering eye for a short time in grade school and to this day as an adult if I were to see someone (let alone talk with them) with a wandering eye it would freak me out. I can only imagine how bad I freaked out the kids in my class and in my school. I remember being left out of lots of things. No wonder they didn't want to talk to me... which f'n eye did they look at. Sure you are supposed to look at the one that is looking at you, but what the hell is that other one looking at??? You can't help but check it out and look around with it, I'm sure.

So, anyway wtf?? Where'd all that come from??.... Oh yea kids being left out. I already don't like his teacher. I'm not too fond of teachers, usually bus drivers either.

So- Aaron (the kid) had "group" last night with the counseling people. The "group" consisted of him and one other kid. Humph! They "touched briefly" on self- esteem. I seen that from the paperwork.

He has two more classes and then we'll see if he goes again. His dad doesn't like it.......

Time to wake up the sleeping beauties.....

9/11/08
A sad anniversary day. That's all I have to say about that......

I did it again, or thought I did. I woke up and thought I was back to the normal routine of waking up in the middle of the night (the bewitching 3am hour), and the darkness got the best of me... I checked what time it was to see if I was back on schedule, uh no it was 4:am. 4:am??? I woke up 1/2 hour before my alarm. So I got up.....

Now an hour and half later I am all dressed for the gym. The gym?? I'm not going to the gym. Yes, I am.... I was looking at some celebrity pic.'s... Never do that, my curiosity took over this /a.m. and what did I see???? A celeb on stage in short shorts, cellulite, I SEEN CELLULITE, thru the computer on that pic!!!! Wow! There is hope for me. /

I am cancelling the gym. At the end of this month. I was doing good and then the last two weeks.... I hope I don't pass out down there, is all I can say!! I should make a NEW goal and go every single day the rest of this month (like bicrum yoga) and see how I feel by the 30th. Prob pretty damn good. Haven't drank now for THREE DAMN DAYS (it's a song.... part of a song....)

o.k. gotta go.....

oh and my cat killed a mouse!! A MOUSE??? Where do mice come from??? I don't live by a field. Good kitty!! Wonder what else is lurking in my house??

9/12/08
Well.... woke up at 2:45a.m. odd time. My sleep pattern is so off. I'm not drinking right now.... could that be it???? The things that make you go hmmmm.

I made it to the gym this a.m. two days in a row. I am challenging myself to every single day for the rest of the month. But, seeing as I have the will power of a dead battery we'll see how well this works out.

I am especially bad during the weekend. THE WEEKEND IS MY TIME. I don't like MY TIME interrupted at all. I clean and clean and clean all day Sat. so that I can drink by 3 and be lazy and have company come over that messes up my house.

I like to go to bed early even on the weekends because- I've said it before and I'll say it a million time- the morning is the ONLY QUIET TIME EVER AROUND HERE!!!

Every other Sunday I have a class of two year olds that I take care of. Yes, church. with all the F bombs that I drop, with all the drinking, and just plain my life.... I am still a believer. Not a good example of a Christian, but I am a work in progress... always, always, always a work in progress. I keep wondering what God is going to do with this mess of a girl of his.

I used to be worse and I used to be better.

I don't live in the best of neighborhoods in my city. We have two bad neighborhoods, one is the "black" neighborhood that isn't very big- way less than a square mile and the other one is mine- the barrio. I have lived in this neighborhood off and on since..... jr. high.

When you drive down our street it is so full of parked cars that it is hard to squeeze by with two passing cars. You usually have to drive slow NO ONE DOES because of the close proximity to the parked cars and the kids.

We are a poor neighborhood. One thing I noticed when I was on my way to the gym at dark thirty is that all of the cars, but one were gone. One thing I can say is that we are a hard working bunch!! Even with all the cops being called throughout the neighborhood on the weekends, the loud music at all hours..... just a revelation I had this morning. Don't know why it crossed my mind except for the fact that the street was empty and I go around blind deep in my own thoughts all the time that I fail to notice the everyday things- that's what I am thinking- I think.

Now that I was so proud of myself for going to the gym and coming home on time, I have..... once again.... made myself late by forgetting that I still have to take my shower. One day I will have my stuff together!! Yea, o.k.

9/15/08
just another manic Monday.. wish it were a Sunday, wish it were a fun day....
Didn't go to the gym all weekend. Didn't go this a.m. I did the ball stuff yesterday, so wasn't a total looser and as soon as my eyeballs are completely open will go do it again this a.m.

My bewitching hour was at 12:40 a.m. Odd. I was awake at least until 2:40ish. after that I was afraid to keep looking at the clock. I was having anxiety about getting up on time, which I didn't. I did hear the alarm a time or two, but didn't get up until 6.

I killed 'em in my fantasy football- didn't do too bad in my picks either, we'll find out at work.

My stomach hurts, again. My stomach and my head- what the hell are up with them??? I feel like I have an ulcer and a brain tumor...l.ol. stress?? Stomach can't take drinking anymore? Head can't take anymore stuff??

Hate that!

9/16/08
tired tired tired!
I didn't get up with my alarm- humph! whats new. Didn't drink last night. Good. Didn't go to the gym this morning. Bad.

I am sore from working out at home tho. I tried to come home to do a little more and I just couldn't- omigosh!! I hurt every time I rolled over last night. The gym would have done me good this morning. NOW I want to go, but it is way too late. Maybe I should set my alarm 1/2 hour earlier and try and trick myself....

I remembered to pick up my kids yesterday. I forgot them on Friday. I am used to them just taking the bus home. If it weren't for me having to go pick up Emma from daycare I am pretty sure they would have called and said 'hey where are you it's late' and I would have had a few beers in me by then.

My dog got out the gate this morning. This is not good. Don't know what pissed her off of so bad. A cat?? It wasn't opened, she somehow wedged her way out. I hosed her down real good and she got back in. %^&*!! Now I have to go out there and mess around with it so that I don't freak out all day long.

I NEED MY UMPH! BACK. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??? I have no motivation. NONE. None to clean (I'm skating by the skin of my teeth with keeping my house from being a health issue- one bad day and we're in BIG trouble). I HATE my work right now. I don't feel like painting, going to the gym, talking with friends..... BLAH!! I need to get over what ever this is. I'm going on three weeks now!!!! wtf??!!

One little tiny disaster and I feel like I would be holed up in bed in the fetal position sucking on my thumb until further notice!!

time to get brats up and fix that gate... woohoo!

9/17/2008

I set my alarm for four. I got up just before 5 and still made it to the gym. I didn't have time to journal so I am sneaking some in while I am at work....

I watched "The Secret Lives of Women" last night. The first one- in between watching The Girls Next Door make their exercise video- which I want to find and buy!!!- was about teenage mothers. I was one, it was interesting. Well, I knew I shouldn't have watched it I am such a weeny when it comes to scary stuff, but I did. It was on women in the occult.

Now when she said- and I quote.. "satanist don't worship the devil...." Okay that caught my attention. Then later in the segment she is practicing not worshiping the devil by holding a sword and doing some ritual to keep her and her boyfriend together right next to a red statue of..... could NOT be the devil with the horns, pointed chin with the sharp goatee and the tail.....

This scares the shit out of me!!! What I want to know is WHO THE HELL DOES SHE THINK SHE IS WORSHIPING???? She ABSOLUTELY can not be that..... naive???

I dreamed that while she was talking my fingers turned in to little snakes while they were still attached to my hand twisting and hissing and I felt bugs crawling over my skin. It was totally freaky!! I just KNEW I shouldn't have been watching that stuff!!!

My son got up this morning- before I woke him up and we were out the door in time for even HIM to get to school in time. Is it a full moon today??? This Never happens!!

When I was leaving the gym this morning there were a couple of tall, nice looking ladies in front of me leaving at the same time. As one held the door (and I never talk to or acknowledge anyone at the gym- I look like shit, I mean I am at the gym, not a beauty contest, I am still half sleeping with tons of shit on my mind, as usual), so as she holds the door she looks at me and says we did one good thing today and the other lady says yea we at least started our day out right with one good thing. Of course then one says to the other "lets go have a donut" ba!ha!ha!- that's usually a line I would use lol.

That really stuck with me today. I have been so very depressed for three weeks now. I can barely function. I HATE that!!

I feel better today. Could it be...

The gym??? Being sore for the last two days from working out? Not having to cook dinner last night (went to Wendy's)?? My youngest son actually knowing his four times tables last night?? My middle son actually getting up on his own, we won't even mention that is was on time and not fighting with me to get out the door and go to school??? Not having a bad hair day (literally) today?? Leaving work a little early and with not having to cook dinner for a change -and my youngest was at group for the first 45 minutes- I actually got to relax last night??

I hope it just stays with me. I am soooo tired of feeling soooo bad!!!!

9/18/08

.... I was on 43 things this a.m. A gurl in the curl made this post.... "tie a knot at the end of my rope and learn how to hang on.." WoW! That just really struck me. I like it a lot. I will ponder that today.

Have a counseling appt today, now that I have been feeling better I don't want to go.

I had wierd dreams again last night. I dreamed a dream like I was one of the "Spy Kids". It was me and a younger brother (I think, the sibling was trivial in my dream except the fact that we were a team and they were present). My parents were also "spys" or whatever we were supposed to be. We were continually being chased by limo's and big SUV's. We had to drive fast and creatively and were always one step ahead of "the bad guys". We had to find creative ways to hide FAST. We had many "get away homes" to run to until they found out about us. One home was a big, huge gated mansion that I felt very safe in and that they never found.

As I was leaving the safe place, just outside our gates- first I drove out then was walking in a slum area by a convenience mart where a homeless (appeared to be) man was harrassing me and trying to -attempt to (I assumed) sexually assualt me and I woke up. But all in all it was a good dream. Wierd.

I think I got up on time this morning. I didn't make it to the gym, too much computer time. Journal, journal, journal. The next thing you know an hour has gone by!!

Have to go jump on that ball before I have to wake up the kids.

9/20/08
Saturday morning. My most favorite time of the whole week. It is still early so I haven't had time to mess it up yet (my whole day!). It is still dark out. It has been dark out. I was initially waiting for it to get light so that I could enjoy my coffee outdoors now that its not 100 degrees at dark thirty. But, I have had two cups and if I laze around too much I may just keep lazing....

I want to read a little, maybe make a list (the huge kind that you make with all the ambition a kindergardeners first day of school and then..... something always happens; too full from breakfast, the kids or someone interrupts, the book or t.v. or something is just way to good for too long a time.... something.

I have to mow the back today, maybe even weed-eat the alley and side of the house and the front nice and slooow so that I don't get that un-even look and the "razor burns" that I have been getting- usually the neighbor's lawn too, but it really depends on how wooped I am from the first two lawns- I am so NOT a spring chicken anymore!! I used to have the energy and stamina of a freight train when it came to house work, now its more like a tractor- that sputters!

I have inside things, but I don't want to wake that baby up!! She will be hungry and want to talk and place demands on me that shouldn't be placed on a person on Saturday a.m., especially me when my own kids are away for the weekend. The beautiful little thing. I do love her so much, don't get me wrong and I do love having her as often as possible and I will always take her, it's just that I'm a little too young to be a grandma just yet. I still have kids at home. I still party like a 22 year old- at times. I'm not sure I'm responsible enough to be a grandma. And I sooo need my quiet time in the morning, especially Saturday when it is supposed to last much longer because my kids stay up all hours on a Friday night and that works for me!!! The longer they sleep, the longer my quiet time!!

Grandbabies tend to wake at the drop of the hat and are so cheerful first thing in the morning- it's just wrong they haven't lived long enough to know that things just aren't that cheerful that early.

Well- I have to write this one down in the record book. I did not drink last night- a Friday night. Funny. I drank the night before and last night.... get this..... here it comes..... I just didn't feel like it!! Hmmm just didn't feel like it- and no company, except kids and granddaughter. Makes for a GREAT Saturday morning... so far.

I see light up in the sky, not light enough to read in, but not dark anymore. I think I am going to go take my coffee and watch the sun come up and ponder my day and thank God that I feel better the last couple of days than I have in weeks!!

If I get both yards mowed, the laundry and dishes done and the two bills payed today so that stuff doesn't get turned off.... I will count that good, even tho I really want to get my room cleaned and do some painting in there and I want to get the frige cleaned out and the bathroom scrubbed properly and the kitchen floor scrubbed, maybe tackle some of the laundry room, refinish a piece of wood furniture or two, get the fence pieces nailed on, wash the back glass door, fix the kids closet, get the printer hooked up, clean out my kitchen cubbard so that the pots and pans aren't falling out everytime you open the door, fix the bathtub faucet, fix the leak under the kitchen sink and find my school paper to find out how many credits I really do have and how many more I have to go to get my degree. Not to mention general picking up to do and the grocery shopping.......

I am going to try and go to church tomorrow, really go and sit in service and listen.

I just know I am forgetting something. I really should make better notes!!

9/21/08

Well here it is Sunday. On Friday one of my co-workers (and I fleeting dreamed about this last night- which is what is reminding me) wished me to have a great weekend- "have a great weekend". I thought about that and in my head I did want to have a great weekend, but what does that mean, exactly, I thought as I wished her the same and walked out the door.

I couldn't think of a whole lot that would make the weekend great without actually winning the lottery- I'm having financial difficulties about now (first, since when am I not and second WHO ISN'T), but what ever my ailment is at the time, that is what I tend to dwell on. I hate that and maybe that will be part of the "coping skill regime" that is counselor wants to "teach me". If I have difficulties in any situation I tend to dwell on that and if that goes well then I go well, if not, then..... that is retardedly ridiculous!! Why do EVERYDAY things have to bother me so very much.

Funny, I am not usually this way- well yes I am, just not on such a big scale as has been this year. I am usually so very up-beat and happy that people who don't know me actually think I am on drugs or something!!

Stress?? Yes and lots of it. My mother's stroke in January, trying to get her moved out of her house,
within a certain period,of time while I work 40 hours a week and have kids to take care of...
AND this was no "normal" house.
She acquired it from my grandmother's death, with my grandmother's things from the past 50 years in it, plus her stuff accumulated throughout her life, plus that of her boyfriend's ( of 20 some odd years- who passed away shortly after my grandmother) stuff. So not an easy task. Took, with the help of my (ex) boyfriend- who is a professional mover and a few of his co-workers and our friends, a little over three months to do.

Meanwhile, she is losing the house in foreclosure and I am trying to refinance my house (stressful enough without it having to be on a time line) in order to buy her house (it is in a much better neighborhood, but not a better house, much MUCH better property- location, location- right? And has been in my family for 50 or so years. Some sentimental value, some not. I was terribly freaked out about having two house payments if I didn't sell mine in this horrible (HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE) market!!

And in order to sell mine- this had to be done, that had to be done blah, blah, blah.....

All the while my youngest son is going thru something and is ready to be kicked out of school (in the second grade) and he is NOT a bad kid, he is a good kid. We get him on med.'s. The teacher is satisfied, the principal is satisfied. I am not having to be down at the school twice a week for one thing or the other and getting phone calls one or two times a day about him. But, now on top of all that stuff- he has counseling and doctor's appt.s.

And then I have the stress of my middle daughter (also good, bright, smart, cute) dropping out of school in leu of her job.....

Around spring break, my middle son, twin to my middle daughter, is moving back home from almost a year with his dad. That year didn't go so well and he comes back suicidal.

I was suicidal when I lived with his dad too. I knew it was a BAD idea, but you can't tell an almost grown -16 year old kid this- I tried and then later he asks me why I let him go.... Why I LET HIM GO????? After all the pleading and begging and telling him this and that without really dogging on his dad too much- after all we haven't lived together in 10+ years, I LET HIM GO??? Humph! He wouldn't have taken no for an answer and I thought, first that his dad wouldn't really treat him the same as me- that was a husband/wife- boy/girl- relationship thing, and second maybe he really has changed like I've heard him say a time or two over the years. Well, NO he didn't change and my son came back worse. Worse with attitude, worse with self esteem and depression and now he is smoking pot -regularly.

So, he needs counseling DESPERATELY and I have appt. after appt. with him at the same time (let me re-cap here just so that I can see I have really been stressed and I am just not this crazy girl....) his sister is dropping out when she is so smart and so close, my youngest son is having major issues at school and emotionally, I am trying to afford to make repairs on my house- with no money, trying to buy my grandmother's house, move my mother out, and deal with her stroke in the hospital/ nursing home ( I had a trip to Kansas somewhere in there, early on in the year for work- part break and part MORE STRESS).

My work was implementing a new program which I had to turn down because it entailled going out of town again and more responsibility at work, which normally I thrive on, just not in this time of my life.

AND THE STRAW THAT BROKE THE CAMELS BACK.......


I am suspecting things about my boyfriend- and come to find out I am right and not only is he having an affair..... it is with my daughter-in-law. Just great. That is all that I need. When I am needing emotional support from him he is cheating on me in the worst way.

So, here I sit in..... September. A basket case of sorts. And how did I get on this subject and why?? I think I was thinking of having a great weekend, which, by the way, I HAVE!! This has been the best weekend that I can think of in a long, long time!!

I got so many things done yesterday!! The lawns got mowed, including the neighbor's and watered. The dishes got done and the emergency weekly laundry. The floor got scrubbed, my room got clean, the refrigerator that looks brand new!!!

I napped here and there. I read here and there. I was left alone, IN MY OWN HOUSE AND THAT NEVER, EVER HAPPENS!! I started again and took another nap, watched a movie -Pirates of the Carribean, which is a really good movie!!!

I picked up my daughter from work and we went to the tattoo place. The guy is F'N HOTT!!! Whew!! My daughter kept saying that he was flirting with me. I had to fan myself once we got back to the car!! He is going to draw up her tattoo and tattoo us both on Monday for a lot cheaper than I thought. Jay. Whew! I will be so dissapointed if he does her work and I have to have someone else!! Oh well. HeeHee!

So, I didn't have to spend my Saturday night at a tattoo parlor (although I think he will be a hell of a lot quicker than the last dude we had!!

I did have plans to have a beer with Timber. Now this I was looking forward too. I had in mind, a couple of beers, her place or mine, some girl talk and.... go home. Come to find out right about the time of the tattoo parlour, she is at Tiadra's. Now this is normally fine if you are in the mood to PARTY. Nothing like a bunch of LOUD, OBNOXIOUS women!!! I just was NOT in the mood for it.

I actually bought beer when we were getting gas and after the tattoo parlour, if I would have had the beer on me, I would have had my daughter drop me off. But, I didn't and it turned out to be a great thing (for a great weekend). I got home and was contemplating the company and if I were in the mood to get that drunk, ummm no I wasn't. But in order for me to enjoy that level of company and hard partying, I would have to get totally drunk or hell no, no thank you. So,... time ticked away, daughter went to get food, ate food, stomach-acid -reflux thing rised up to my throat and I couldn't have gagged down a beer for my life!!

So, I didn't go. Didn't want to go anymore. Didn't feel good. Ex-boyfriend is there thinking I am for sure going to be there. Dissapointed when I am not there. Making ME FEEL GUILTY... ME ME ME for not being there. He only came because I was going to be there. HUMPH!!! What about the last 3 1/2 years when I wanted him to be HOME WITH ME and he HAD TO GO SOMEWHERE and now that he isn't here with me anymore, he misses me oh so much. I think this pisses me off.

It wasn't like this was the first time I kicked him out because of a girl. It's not like he didn't already have a second chance. It wasn't like this was just an oops I fucked up kinda thing. I think this kinda thing.... one doesn't get over and be able to move on with said person.

That's what I think.

I have been hanging around him the past couple of weekends. Ummm mistake?? Too lonely to take it??? (no), just trying to see if there is a shred of anything left?? I think there is not a shred of anything. I have enjoyed his company as a friend. The intamacy just wasn't isn't there anymore. It's gone. That is one thing that I learned from this weekend. I didn't want to go to Tiadra's and hang out. I didn't care if he was there or not.

I am supposed to go watch football at his brother's house, the same as I have done for the past two weekends. I think I don't want to. Will I be totally rude and completely blow him off?? No. Will I hang out and drink beer all day?? No. I think I will stop by in maybe like the 3rd quarter, bring no beer. Right now, I just don't feel like drinking. I am not sure how happy my tummy is and I don't want a repeat of last night.

I have things that I want to finish getting done and I want to be able to pick up my kids and not be too drunk to drive and be too drunk and ignore them and do what I want to do anyway kind of thing.

And I think, I just possibly think I might be over this whole situation and over him. I don't want to be with him. He has hurt me way too bad, one too many times. We'll see how that goes.

I hope it goes well. I guess the moral of the story is that I did have a GREAT weekend. I really did!! I might just go to Pam's insted of watch football. After all who cares if I blow him off right??? Did I FUCK his...... anyone???? NO! Was I a good girlfriend??? HellYa!!! HELL YA!!!

There are no "third chances". Fuck me once SHAME ON YOU!! Fuck me twice SHAME ON ME!! What in the whole wide world am I thinking by even hanging around him???? For SHAME SHAME SHAME on me!!!

I HAD A GREAT WEEKEND!! THANK YOU!!

I think I may even make it to church!!

9/23/08
Well, make it to church I did. It was such a HUGE impact that I started it's own blog yesterday. I got another tattoo. This is now my second, in the past four months, after waiting my whole life. I've dreamed of having tattoos since I was 12. I even have my very first design still in my head and you know, it is not such a bad design and I just may have it drawn up and done piece by piece, eventually. Seriously, I had a good idea!!

We got started a lot later than I thought. I wanted to be there by 6:15 and we didn't even leave the house 'til after 7.

They were nice, NICE guys. The last guy was a dullard. NO joke! I think I barely cracked a smile once and I can be a pretty funny dork!! He was a hard one to crack. These guys were amused and showed it by the chuckles and comments!

I had reservations about getting this last tattoo. I had a dream the other night, maybe Sunday. We went down to the shop on Saturday, but they had to touch up my daughters tattoo on paper, so it gave me time to really think about this.

Now my toe was unpleasant!! To put it mildly. My oldest daughter is telling us how they don't hurt and yadayada. Ya well she WAS WRONG! As I sat there trying to be brave, with the pain worsening needle prick by needle prick from the stinging of ants to bee's to the downright feeling of someone messing with a terrible blister to the agony of him putting a cigarette out on that blister. Muther F*cker IT HURT!! She is waiting for her 3rd or 4th, and lo and behold where is this brave, tough daughter of mine getting her new tat..... ON HER FOOT! HA! She was all done and came to see me with her eyes watering a bit and said "wow", I said ya and the artist said he used and extra sharp needle on her for my pleasure and we all had a good laugh.

It was cool two days later when the pain had subsided and I got to show off my new ink at work. "hey lets see it" came the shouts at work. They looked on in excitement as their gaze followed mine to my toe. "WTF"?? Was the reaction- that's not a real tattoo, where is it, I can't see it. Well, I had news for them I FELT IT and it is paid for!! So, therefore VERY REAL!!

I noticed the tattoo on the back of the neck of my co-worker and asked him if it hurt. Well, he said sitting down in a chair- let me tell you.... I sat down and the guy asked if I wanted him to go deep or to come in for a touch up. I told him to just go deep and get it over with. Now, I think, the response from my co-worker was along the lines of "I felt my fillings get hot". What????

So, I had this terrible dream... the artist was a very cute man and we were happily and cozily itertwined so that he could get to my neck in the most comfortable of positions. He (it's a dream) tested out the tattoo ink on my hand and said here we go. The second the needle touched my neck, I got this terrible cramp in my back. The kind of cramp where it worsens if you don't move. I was like whoa hold on I gotta move. So he backed of and I got rid of the cramp. It happened again, and again until the artist got fed up and threw his equipment on the floor and yelled at me "dammit I can't do my job!" and stormed off.

Now I wonder, did the cramp come first in my dream and then I dreamed of the tattoo or was I dreaming of the tattoo and then along came the cramp to emphisize my dream??? How does that work I wonder?? I usually thought the first, but.... hmmmm.....

The tattoo guys were awesome!! Cute, funny, nice!! Laughed at my jokes and antics. I went to the one room with my artist and good music was playing and we were singing along just like we'd known each other for years. Yak yak yak, sing, sing, sing. It was very comfortable and I didn't have to work up a sweat just to get them to crack a smile either!! They were more than willing to laugh at me!

Probably my last tattoo for a while since next month my daughter will be 18 and won't need mommy's permission and signature to get one. Which is how I got mine 'com on mom I will buy one for you if you take me.

The first one was more of a practicle thing anyway, we had bad bad BAD tattoo rings done on our toes from a couple of years before when we got ahold of that tattoo gun. Everyone agreed that we needed to get them fixed. That was her excuse, lets go get matching tattoos.. or ya lets go fix our toes, because she is impatient like her mother and with permission from my friends, she won me over.

Now it's like an addiction!! If I were a dude... I would be so slung down!!

9/24/08
I am crushed by the death of Tommy Reed.
I am in a state of confusion. Things keep going thru my head, mostly the question WHY??? I thought that God does not give you more than you can handle- did he forget that part??

I cried myself to sleep last night. I got a phone call from an ex co-worker who needed material pricing. When I called back my friend (and also ex-coworker) was acting funny on the phone. She new that at one point in time Tommy and I were really close. Tommy and I sat by each other in an office area in another building from the rest of the company. We sat by each other's side from 9:am (when I arrived) til 4pm (when he left). We shared secrets, thoughts, troubles and our family lives. Day in and day out M-F for..... I don't know a year?? Maybe a little less, a little more. He used to call me miss glenda and glenda sue. I called him Tommy Boy.

We kept in touch here and there, the 3 years that I have been gone. He reminded once, by email, that we haven't done the indoor kart racing thing yet. We always talked about it, but we worked together when we were there and who would cover us for that long lunch?? We never did that, we never will.

She told me that "Tommy committed suicide last night". WTF???!!! That's all I can think. I cried. I was at work and I cried. I had to hang up. "Wait! I wasn't done being friends yet!" "Wait! What about the go-kart ride??" "Wait! What about re-newing our friendship??" "Wait! what about your kids?? Especially your son??" "WAIT! WAIT! WAIT!"

I keep thinking that someone made a mistake.

It's Sunday. I don't know the date. I am distracted by Mystic River. Good movie. I am drunk. I hate that- in a way. Kids have had baths. Played hard. Big kids are not here. We did our laundry and yet still I will have guilt. Always guilt. Hate that.

Seen Jason. Guess he figured me out. I haven't figured me out yet, but..... I am stringing him along until the right guy comes a long. Funny. Funny thing for him to say. If I were.... my heart thinks he owes it to me. HE FUCKED ME OVER TIME AND AGAIN LITERALLY BY FUCKING SOMEONE ELSE. The most precious of intimacy, the root of love and trust and honesty and itegrity. How do you get those things back when you fuck it up time and again. Time and again with someone who portrays to be your friend and then again with FAMILY. FAMILY does not forget that either. FAMILY LIKE INCEST! The ultimate betrayal. I think, if he thinks that I am stringing him along FUCK YOU DUDE!! FUCK YOU AND GOOD FOR ME IF I AM STRINGING YOU ALONG!! How is that for a reaction.

I am still working on the Tommy thing. It appears (rumor) that he got bad health news. It makes me feel better as odd as that sounds. It just wasn't him. We were together when he was going thru some really bad shit and it didn't come close to him thinking suicide. It just didn't feel right. Was it the "new" girlfriend or that didn't pan out. Did the divorce go that bad? Did the kids decide to dis-own him?? All was just too..... not like Tommy. I am so sad.

I had the weirdest dream the other night. It was like Cival War days. The Red Coats (us- I was marching with them) were the good guys and the civilians (the blue coats) were the bad guys and they had control over everything except certain territories and we were safe in certain territories so they couldn't shoot at us it was like they stood at certain lines and could only watch us march and.... get ready for... or pretend to get ready for..... what ever it was that we were protesting against that they didn't like.

Okay, I'm not even a history buff. I didn't even pay attention in history class. Nothing. Were did this weird shit come from???? Crazy. It was an intense dream too. Hmmmm

Have to crash. Way tired. Had both girls (the best) this weekend. Had to work. Had to see mother (didn't really- xtra guilt for me. Had a weird revelation over that-). Had to had to had to all weekend. Quite the contrast from last weekend. God has humor I hear.

10/2/08- it's Thursday.

Ah, just rememberd have appt with son this a.m. More time away from work.

I went to Tommy's funeral on Tuesday. I car pooled with ex- coworkers. Most were nice, a couple made me uncomfortable. It was sad. His ex-wife and her/his three kids and the ex-girlfriend with his 1/ her two kids. She is in a wheel chair.
Tommy and his wife split up and were barely back together when I first met him. He had an affair while they were split up and she got pregnant. If I remember right he didn't know right away. She got pregnant again by her new boyfriend and he accitdentally shot her while he was messing with a gun when they were sitting in a car and she is now paralyzed (hence the wheel chair). She had a real rough time of it and Tommy felt bad.

They were all there sitting in the front row along with Tommy's parents.

I seen Steve Van. it was so good to see him. I miss him so much. I hung by him. He held me while I cried. We all worked together closely for a long time me, Tommy and Steve.

He hung himself. I hear it was over the divorce. He left a msg for the ex-wife on her machine.

I will have to write a Dear Tommy letter. I have issues over this. I am saddend and hurt. I am confused and angry with him. I have and will have unaswered questions forever.

This is the second one of my friends to commit suicide. The firs was when I was 14. She was 14 also. She shot herself in the heart over a man (literally a man) right outside his bedroom door when he had another woman over. Fourteen. We were way beyond our years back then. That's all I can say about that. We were never really fourteen ever. Somehow we all, the group of us girls went from 11 to 18 overnight. We all had parenting issues.

I had another friend not too long ago, maybe three years stabbed to death at a party by "friends". We had just left- my kids, my boyfriend and me.

I have to see my mom today. That revelation that I had..... I need to see her once a week. SEE HER. Not just drop of her ciggs and say hey and rush out the door. I HATE that place. It smells. She smells, but that is of her own free will. She would do the same before all this happened at home, so I can't totally blame it on the place.

I will go SEE HER today. Take the kids and make my self stay for half an hour. It's a start. I am usually in and out in under 5 minutes. Litterally. I usually arrive around dinner time or just before. Nothing like the smell of the bathroom mixed with food. YUMMY!!! My nose is extra sensitive too. Happened when I was pregnant and just never went away.

I will try and make it after dinner when she is out smoking with the cronies. It's like happy hour out there with out the alcohol.

I had another revelation too. I have to let the ex boyfriend go and stop stringing him along. It's just not nice- no matter what he did to me. Here's the thing. I like texting him a lot. I like emailing him, but I can't ever see us together again. EVER. He hurt me way too bad and I don't think there is anything left. That is the way it feels when I see him. It's just that I know the moment I tell him he is going to go jump in the arms of someone else and that is going to hurt me really bad. But, it is still not fair. I don't think I feel anything anymore. I try and look for it when we are hanging out, but all I get is the old feeling from my dads porch, but he hurt me and betrayed me and lied to me. TWICE. With different people in a two year span and we were only together for 3 1/2 years.

And that's all I have to day about that.

10/03/08 (I think- anyhoo- T.G.I.F. that's for sure!!)

I did not go see my mother yesterday. I got a migrane (I think) a couple of hours before work ended. I got this dizzy spell sitting at my desk, kinda made me nauseated and then I felt like I was motion sick. Then I got a tiny headache from it. No biggie. Then later at the copy machine I got dizzy again. A wierd almost lost my balance dizzy and when it was over and I sat down my head just pounded and my eyes hurt. I took meds but it stayed like that all night even when I was falling asleep. Yuccy!! I feel better this morning so woohoo!

on to a different post......

10/23/08
My twins 18th birthday today. I've been feeling depressed lately. I am not sure what is up. One day I am good, the next just blah for no reason.

I am having a hard time getting out of bed. I used to get up by inticing myself with coffee, or journaling, or Full Tilt poker, or quiet time...... but I have been laying in bed lately thinking of why should I get up right now.... I just want to sleep. I'm trying hard not to take medication. I don't want too.

I have had fun the last couple of weeks decorating for their Halloween then.... it just petered out.
Actually it comes and goes.

Yesterday I was in pretty good spirits. I made dinner in the morning in the crockpot and it was ready. I want to start walking with the kids in the afternoon. I think I am kinda waiting for Monday to kick off this new "habit". I have started to read the Bible to them at night again. We are enjoying that. I thought they might be too big and that I might have fallen "off the wagon" for too long, but it seems to be good. So yesterday that made me feel good.

My car is broken, actually it is my mother's car- mine has been broken since... April. It has now been in the shop for...... at least two months. We have a friend working on it and he is not in as big a hurry as I am. It really should be anytime now.

But, now my mother's car was supposed to be fixed yesterday afternoon, but it wasn't broken where we thought it was. So, now we are going to replace the water pump, which should be done this afternoon. I am hoping anyway.

It is depressing not having my own car. It is depressing that I have no money, but not really so much as we have all we need. Just enough.

So maybe its the car thing that has got me down today.

Also my mother's money is now going to the "place" where she is staying and Im wondering if I should have set it up that way.... She is now out of cigarettes and her acct has no money and I sure as hell can't afford to buy them for her. I am thinking that I have to get her to get them to give her her allowance so that I can go by cigarettes. This is just more of a pain in my butt than before!! NOT GOOD!!

Even if she can get more cigarettes thru them, that was my whole reason for stopping by and visiting.

I will have to buy her this one carton and tell her that they now are getting her money and that she will have to get the money from them and either get her own thru someone else or I will have to get the money from her and then go get them....

Now I will really have to make the effort to bring the kids for a short visit. I needed to do that anyway... so here we go....

11/21/08
It seems so much longer since I ve written. I think about it, but sometimes its just not convenient. The only time I have to journal is first thing in the morning and I haven't really been getting up early enough. Today I did, but now its almost 5 and I don't have much time. I wonder if I would write more if I had a laptop and could take it with me and use it when possible or be able to journal at night be fore I go to bed. I think that is where I would journal the most when I used pen and paper. Just dont want the kids finding it.

I am in very good spirits, for weeks now acutally. I feel so much better. Nothing has changed. I still dont' have my car!! Should be "any day" now. My moms car is still "broken" but drivable. It squeaks. It used to sound like little birdies were running it. That's what I told Emms, but now it's just a squall/ a shrill squeal!! It is horrid, but it is getting me back and forth to work. I had to spend $100 on tires the other night. Really didn't want to, but I take the freeway and three were extremely bad, one the threads were showing, one I had to put fix a flat in it already about a month ago. They were dryrotting and very bald "slick 60 's". So, there went $100 of xmas money. Guess I am very thankful that I had it. It was getting bad. I had started to take surface streets to work.

I am still texting Jason, or he me, or both. I think he is seeing Rachel and trying very hard to hide it from me. I don't push or ask questions. I don't think I want him after all he is done. STUPID!! I don't think I WANT HIM????? Like Im not sure?? He was supposed to be my true love, THE ONE, not that that ever panned out from the beginning honestly...... cheats on me, lets me support him, trades drugs for alcohol, acts like I OWE HIM, cheats on me again with my daughter- in- law (some Jerry Springer shit here) AND I DONT THINK I WANT HIM/??? WTF is wrong with me. Kick rocks mother fucker!!! I should be screaming KICK ROCKS you piece of shit!!!!

I don't know what is going on in my head. I don't want to see him. When I do want to see him I don't feel attracted to him. Not sexually, not in a dating sort of way, not in a boyfriend/girlfriend sort of way. Nothing. Friends. He really would be a good friend to me (I think- I mean I thought he would be a good boyfriend too, but.....). So, thats all. Friends.

Maybe I am waiting for the whole Rachel thing..... so that I really will be free and then he can't be a stalker or anything wierd. Not that he would, but I truely couldn't be sure. So before my MAN, lover, friend, husband, whomever comes along I really need the Jason thing behind me and right now it is not.. I think God already told be me this once a little while ago. I tried to be strong and do it, but it is a little easier on me to just have someone so interested in texting me that it doesnt' hurt so much, all the pain that he caused. when will I be able to let go of that last little thread???

The holidays are now here and it scares me just a bit. I don't want to lonliness to creep in. It started to earlier this week for the three days BAD!! But then I called upon my "friend" Eddie and all was taken care of. I don't call on him very often after my VERY EMBARRASSING episode when company arrived. I am certain that is in this journal somewhere.

Besides it's not the same. It's not like I can feel skin or that it is even the same. No kisses or carresses or whispers or... but it did work because when I went to work yesterday after my little..... encounter.... and the new tires, I felt so very much better. So if I have to fall back on my little gay friend (yes he is acutally a replica of a gay man!!! have I mentioned that before??) her and there well then..... I guess it keeps me out of a whole heap of trouble that I dont' want to be in in the first place!!

See there I am not even close to being done and it is already 5:20!! Maybe too Its been a while. Just in case I forget I do have a new word....... but it just slipped my mind..... tenacious is coming to mind and that is a good one, but not the one that I was just thinking about a split second before I was going to write it. DUMB!!! tenacity (sp?) no.... what ever the dumb word when I think of it it pretty much means anal... before I forget that too!!

I have some only just guy thoughts for my just a girl part, but it would take long just like this.... and also my thoughts on petering out- once again- on church and the whole Bible thing.....

I am morphing and I guess I am not done. My head is not clear excpet on certain personal, very important goals. The days are flying by and Im lost in this fog..... going thru the motions, feeling pain, not feeling pain, being healthy, being self destructive, making goals, breaking goals.....

but morphing just the same!

12/07/08

Flying in and out of days and weeks and thru another year. I sit here and there thinking, reading, crying thru my tear stained face holding yet another beer.

12/11/08

I have things going on in my head. I've always needed time alone and now that time is sporadically here and there and I have a hard time not knowing what to do with myself!! I mean I have ALWAYS been a mother, just about literally! I was married extremely, and I mean EXTREMELY young and started motherhood young. I have always had kids around, kids friends, the husband. With six kids and friends here and there and a husband and friends and just recently an extemely young boyfriend with a million friends ALL THE F'N TIME!! I've been craving alone time. I mean I remember just recently- maybe earlier this spring? Maybe last summer coming home to NO ONE. And I mean NOBODY was home, that NEVER happens around here! My sister whom I rarely see who lives on the west side just happened to be in the neighborhood and I remember literally crying on the phone to her asking her between sobs to please not come over. She knows (or knew) my situation very well and I was grateful for her understanding..


Now, however, my life has done a complete 360 this year. In the beginning of the year I had four kids at home and a wayward one, as usual and my boyfriend. The young boyfriend and I have split up after 3 1/2 years and my daughter and her boyfriend moved out which also means that she now babysits the grand daughters away from my home so I don't see them as often, when before there were here several times a week keeping my busy as well.

Now there are three kids and me. Most of the time my son goes to hang out at his sisters house and is home after my bedtime. Every other weekend my youngest kids go visit thier father. On a couple occasions now I have found myself alone and completely panicked!! Totally!! Sob, cry, try desperately to find out who's home and where I could go and then resorted to drinking my tears away.

WTF is wrong with my (as in so very many areas of my life)????? It's not like theyv'e died. It's not like Ive gotten all the quiet time Ive needed all these years. Sheesh!!

I think I need to make a list of what I want to do with my quiet time.... what did I want to do before when my sister wanted to come over and I was so upset that I cried. What about that??? What was so important then that I can't see now?? I've got to get it together man!! Quit wasting my time on this boo hoo stuff and start living my f'n life the way I've always wanted to live it. Get up off my ass and get too it. This feeling sorry for myself is bullshit!!

I think crying over the ex is bullshit too!! Ridiuculous. I mean it's not like I will never ever have a man again, right? Right? Fuck I hope that's right. Im gonna be counting on it!!

I WANT a man badly, just not right now. I have shit in my life that I need to take care of. I need to figure me out for once in my life. Not the mom me or the wife me or the girlfriend me or the working me or what ever else kind of me that I am. ME ME ME. What do I enjoy doing? What are my hobbies? What is my passion?? How do I like to play? How do I like to relax? I know there is way more to life than just those things, but Im limited on what I can think of right now. Ive always only just been a mother mostly, a wife, a co-worker.

I also want to get my house in order, my kids in order, my dogs in order, get myslef in order. I mean, if I don't even know me how am I gonna know what kind of guy that I want or like. I mean I have so obviously been letting the wrong ones pick ME!! No MORE no more of that.

I do so have many things around the house that I need to do that I usually want to do. I need to make a list of "alone time" things. Take care of the kids when they are here and do my "alone time wants" when they are not, but what are they??? And I need to write them down so that I have something to look forward too for when I am alone and look at them BEFORE I find myself in a lonely pickle!!

Thats all for now......

12/21/2008

It's not too early- around 8:30. I slept in. Last night was the VERY FIRST TIME that I have slept in my house all alone....... Nope! I was thinking that it was, but I am wrong. There was a summer- in '05 I think, just before Jason got out that I spent many nights alone in this house, come to think of it. I'd forgotten.

That was the summer that Aaron went on a family reunion with his family and brought the kids. The bigger ones were all gone for the summer with their dad in MA. I think I was alone for about two weeks, maybe. WoW! Weird. I'd forgotten about that!

I am going to have to "retrain" myself to enjoy company without drinking. I KNOW that I would love it once I tried it a time or two. I actually being proud of myself and enjoying being sober and not have to worry about getting home.

I was sober last Thanksgiving at my brother's because I had to drive and he lives so far out! And I think possibly on Christmas too!

I was thinking that I will have to "retrain" myself because this is the beginning of a new time in my life- yet another stage of life for me. The most significant of all- personally.

I am going to be alone with only myself quite often. Not like daily- except for the next two weeks off and on, but more often than I have ever been alone before.

My life has always been filled- and I have loved it, don't get me wrong. There was a time when Jason had so much company over all the fucking time that I hated it being so filled up ALL THE TIME, EVERY SINGLE DAY!!!

I went to a birthday party yesterday at a friends (more like a brother actually) and it was very nice!! It was him and his wife, their two kids, two of my sons, my daughter and her husband, my two beautiful grand-daughters and my brother and his wife and that was it. It was so very enjoyable!! Crazy, enjoyble!! It was small and intimate. Ours are always so... full blown party.... That it is usually pretty stressful, there is a HUGE mess the next day.

I end up drinking too much because that is just the habit that I have gotten in to the past three years!

I really do need to "retrain" myself. I think it would be good for my self esteem!! Seriously!

I feel like cleaning right now. But, I was wanting to go to church today. I have to get back in to that habit too!! I NEED too!! The messy house will still be here. The only thing is, when Im in the mood I tend to get more done than when I just have to real quick. I guess I will have all week without Adi and Aaron. Im thinking that anyway.

I want to clean and dust, re-arrange, do some laundry.... Eat something really good for breakfast, like bacon or like eggs benedict. I am going to have to get some english muffins and some sauce. I want to make ceviche today and salsa to munch on and some eggplant parmesean.

I get my cooking desires from my mother. The only problem is the kind of guys that we've always chosen or liked or hooked up with are "meat and potatoes" kind of guys. We like to cook good things, different things, enoyable to the pallet kind of things!!

I think that is the first time I have ever really compared myself to my mother, on purpose, and it was something I consider good.

I was thinking of her yesterday when I was shopping. I had a liquor question for her and I couldn't call her and ask. Not that I did real often, but I have in the past. Or a how do I make this or that kind of question.

"When I seen her last, it broke my heart. She seems so humbled and content living- Im not even sure if those are the words I am looking for acutally. There was just this matter of fact innocence in her eyes. She seems helpless and weak. She was so very onery and strong before. Always in your face kind of person. Bossy, hard. Now this. I really don't like this.

I would like money enough to get her out of there and have her close by family. She never really had us as family the way I do with my kids. She just wasn't like that. I think she would be ready to do that now, I don't know.

I can't take care of her tho and I have such guilt over that. I bet I could take care of her, I just don't want to the way she needs care. And THAT is why I feel guilty! Hell, I can't even clean out the fucking cat litter box without puking!! Could you imagine if I had to clean her up?? I would feel bad gagging and puking.

I think that I know that someday I will be ready to take that task on. I would have to have her over more often first of all. She comes like for "have to" visits. I think she was here for my birthday party (I think she was actually living here, I remember my dad tucking her in), we took her to the park for Elli's- three months later- and then Thanksgiving and now next week Christmas. I wish I had the.... "want" to take her out more often. I think I have the "want" like I want to lose weight, but I don't have the "want" to really do it bad enough.

Lazy!- Well, church starts in one hour. I could really talk myself out of it, but it's not like I am going to the two year old class and having to take care of them. It is just going and sitting and seeing if God has anything to say to me this week that will pertain to my life today or next week or some thought that I had last week or have some insight to what I have been talking to him about lately.

The whole boyfriend thing, the money thing, the weight thing, the being alone thing- especially the being alone thing, the self esteem thing, the job thing, always the kid thing, the car thing, the health thing........

Sometimes he talks with me about something that I was never even thinking of.

I really have to get my life in order. Myself, my home, my kids, my pets, my finances, how am I going to better handle the mother situation, be a better sibling, friend, employee, parent, grandparent, neighbor kind of thing.....

Really now, it's time to grow up......

12/23/08

Well, the season is about over. Whew! And once again I have made it thru. I did very well this year. With about 15 peopel to buy for I think I got away with spending about... $500. That is $500 that I didn't have, but I got a check from Loraine, and a bonus check from work (I dreamed I got laid off last night- I sure hope not).

Well I am off to spend the last of it now. To even up the gift giving.

I want to start jogging. I have joined a softball league that starts in Feb and I am in no shape to do any sort of sport..... This otta be fun!

I want to jog... #1 I have to finish up this Christmas thing- there is after all a time line. #2 I am scared to run alone in my neighborhood! I am going to try it anyway.... I am thinking Saturday morning- or maybe even Friday morning.

I have a Dr appt that I have put off since July and I will have to get my blood drawn and so I don't want to drink on Christmas- so far anyway. We'll have to see how responsible that I want to be when the time comes, huh?!!

Have to take out the cat box (I really miss the kiddos about now- not my job, not a job that I want to have eww) and get outta here and finish this dumb shopping!!

Peace Out!

12/28/08

I believe that is the date. I was just sitting here thinking that it feels like I have already been back to work after Christmas, but Im mistaken!

Church day. I don't have the kids today. I did, but their nephew on their dads side is getting dedicated today and she called and wanted to know if they could spend the night and then go to church with them and lunch after. So....

I had plans to take them to lunch myself after church today. It's not often that I actually have money to do that, but next time.

I really missed them last night. I prob won't have them for the three days this week, they are still out of school and I am gone all day at work. His wife doesn't work.

I went to the fights last night at Michaels. It was not too bad. I was the sober one. That wasn't too bad either. It didn't feel much different than if I had been drinking, only I couldn't have blamed alcohol if I were to have acted like a dork!

We didn't see Barb. They must have had their own thing going on.

There was some dude there, Michaels and Garretts friend from A LONG TIME AGO, like jr high or high school. His name was Steve. They asked if I remembered him, but I was thinking of Steve Bradshaw and really didn't want to remember him or his brother or want them to remember me- (it was my very, VERY bad slut days!- I lost my virginity in the back of a truck by my boyfriend, in a sleeping bad, while- litterally- the Bradshaw boys and another friend watched. That wasn't the worst of it- my boyfriend decided that it would be o.k., after he was done that his best friend "Yogi" could hop in and have a turn. Fortuneately, he didn't know what he was doing and only pretended. I let him. It already hurt bad enough the first time.

I read something the other day about how some of us were raised to think that saying "NO" was a bad thing. Im not sure if that was my case or not.

I mean, I didn't want any of it to happen. How embarrassing, you know. I just didn't know how to say "NO". I didn't even know there was a hole down there to be honest. I wish my mom wouldn't have let me go on that trip. I just KNEW she would say NO when I asked her. I'd already told my boyfriend that there is NO WAY I would be able to go.

I was 12.

I just, really, wanted to be accepted and to be loved. I thought by saying NO, it - I don't know would have been bad??

So, needless to say, HELL NO I didn't want to remember Steve Bradshaw. I am not the same, slutty, spineless, niave, stupid little girl anymore and I KNOW they would have remembered THAT!! Who the hell wouldn't, I mean, LIVE PORN!!! My brother is my youngest brother. I don't think he knows and actually, come to think of it right this minute..... The Bradshaw boys were my older brothers friends- Im sure he knows.

So, in pretending not to know this guy, come to find out, I really didn't. He was a different Steve. WheW!

And, the point of it all wasn't supposed to be the loss of my virginity in such an undignified way, but the fact that there was a man there that I didn't know. Im not even sure if he was cute or not. I tried not to stare. I did notice there was no ring on his finger, but that doesn't really mean anything. Aaron didn't wear a ring after the first 4 or 5 years. He blamed it on his job. AND just because there is no ring doesn't mean he is not in a serious relationship with another- could even have kids and all that......

Just the thought..... the potential flirting..... He did have an older son with him, maybe like 14 or so. Could have been younger or a little older. I tried not to stare at him too.

So, I get to my brothers and before I walk in I could already hear all the hootin and hollerin going on. A fighter, one of MY FIGHTERS, Vandela Silva, just got knocked out. I so didn't see that one coming, he is so very tough. I guess they all are, but when he killed Chuck Liddlell and to me Chuck is so very tough!!!.....

Im standing, they are showing me reruns, Im talking, and my sweet baby Elli yells at me in her baby way- she notices grandma is here!!!.... She runs mam ma, mam ma- so cute!! She loves me!!

And he is right there, sitting on the couch, inches from me and looks at me. Just a curious look. I think that he is thinking... she doesn't look like a grandma. I don't, really, but someday I am going to, so I try and suck up all those looks that I can get right now, while I still can. And who knows, maybe that wasn't what he was thinking, but thats o.k., my own thoughts made me feel good enough anyway, hee hee!

I look, but I am a little shy and think for a second- do I know him? Don't really look, cuz I don't want no girl thinking that Im checking out her man. I sure know what that feels like and it doesn't feel very good!!

So, everyone scatteres to have a smoke and blah blah, so I take the most comphy place on the couch. It's the one part that sticks out so that you lay across in, I can't remember what it is called. And he comes back in with everyone and sits right next to me. Then my brother is asking if I remember him, and, of course, I don't- and then he lays down right beside me. Close, yummy, I can feel the warmth of his body.

Now, you have to think that this is a fight and the couch is FULL and the floors are FULL, so a lot of us were close together that night. Normally, I wouldn't even think anything of it because we are all family and half lay on each other and squish by each other "sccot over Im fittin in" kind of thing, but I didn' t really know him.

So, we lay together waiting for the fight to start and I liked it. I told him (since he remembered me and I didn't remember him) "it's a good thing we know each other".

But, I think he might have gotten "caught" and does have a significant other, because after the fight started his son came and squeezed between us and then really didnt' leave his dads side most of the rest of the night. Ooops!

So, then, if that is the case..... player..... no thanks, but I got to thinking this morning ( well besided the fact that NO I am NOT ready for a boyfriend yet), that it is fun to flirt and all that jazz!!

Im not 12. So, Im not thinking that I have to have sex with them. Its kinda like being the dd for once (like I was last night), gee I can have fun without getting drunk too. I don't have to worry about how Im getting home. I don't have to worry about driving, or where Im going to sleep, or how Im going to feel the next day.

That was kind of cool too!!

So, I wasn't even going to go to this fight in the first place. First, I had Adi and Aaron (until when we were walking in to the movies- OMIGOSH!!! I took my kids to the movies! I don't think I have EVER taken Adi and Aaron to the movies. It's way too expensive and I am more comfortable at home and blah blah blah, until we were walking in and Debbie called and wanted them to come spend the night and go to the Christening), second, I didn't want to drink and have to wonder how I was getting home, third I am trying to cut back!!

So, Debbie and Lloyd come and get the kids, we weren't even home very long from the movies. I started watching CSI and then thought I would go shopping since I don't have them. Jen got me a gift card and I so need- needed- close toe shoes for the winter. I don't have enought money to buy things for me AND for them, so it was working out.

Then Jeffy comes by and I think.... HEY!!! There are the two stores that I want to go to right down the street from the fight (which is way far away from my house) and Jeffy needs a dd. And, I love his car and hate driving the sqeek mobile!!

So, I dropped him off, went shopping, and then came back to the fight.

I got the cutest couple of shirts, and shoes, and even two pairs of pants. I am going to get ready for church now and put on my new clothes and come home with something good to eat for lunch and watch CSI while Im waiting for my brats to come home!!

I get to drive his car to church too. A '01 Mustang that purrs when you are driving down the road.

rrrrrr....

12/29/08

Not too bad of a day at work today. Back to driving the "squeek mobile". My car STILL isn't done. I dropped it off with my son, who at the time was in school with finals and thought he would have a little more time after he graduated. But, then he got the position he applied for which was the 12 hour day shift and that was back in..... late March or sometime in April. So, sometime in June we take it to an aquaintance, maybe it was July, who the fuck cares anymore. He STILL has it!! Still to this day! I was hoping to get it back before Christmas, but NOOOO. Not yet. He better NOT charge an arm and a leg. I will NEVER go to him again EVER even if he does it for free!!

So, Ive been driving my mother's car. And it started squeeking, like the belt. No it wasn't the belt or the pulley or the waterpump. It is the airconditioner compresser clutch that is out, or going out. It makes an awful noise. At first I joked with my granddaughter that I had little birdies driving my car, but now, NO. It is like a terrible screeching witch!!

I litterally have people discuss what is wrong with it as I drive by! Serious! "Is that her brakes?" they ask, "no that sounds like the belt" if I were't so f'n embarrassed I would stop the car and join their discussion.

I have even pissed off a little boy walking with his mother, who was pushing a stroller with hopefully NOT a sleeping baby. He covered his ears and screamed "MOM MAKE HER STOP IT"!! I am so totally serious!

I try not to drive it. It is really fantastic in the drive thru! Ya you should hear that one, at the bank or trying to get coffee.

Anyway, no kids. Again. But, I figure this is the last night of that for a couple of weeks anyway. So, I am trying to enjoy it (with a few shots of tequila- it is taking me a minute to write this properly). I was a little depressed on the way home thinking that this is the beginning of a new thing for me. Weird. Im not sure I like it.

I did come home and put in Norah Jones. Yes I like her. I am liking jazz again. I used to like jazz a LONG time ago when I first divorced my (sheesh! this sounds so very bad) FIRST husband. I didn't want to divorce the second just didn't have any choice. Divorced my boyfriend too. Done for awhile.

So, I like her CD "Come Away With Me". I have had it for so long. I was actually looking for Harry Conick Jr. I think he is on the shelf tho.

I have a line-up for tonight.... have some Lenny Kravitz coming and also some Cher. I know I like one of her songs, but I like it so much I bought the CD. I also like KT Tunstull (o.k. but I am also a..... Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin, The Doors, Aerosmith, GNR, Lynard Skynard, Sublime, AC/DC, Social D, Janis Joplin, Supertramp, Pink, Alanis Morsette, Bob Marley, Madonna kind of freak too. Throw in some (new) Metallica, some Ozzy, Non Point, Nine Inch Nails and a few other hardcore that elude me......

I am getting in to country too. That came from making CD's for the work party. Country I grew up with but never really got in to it. Now tho..... it's a possibility. I want to get some good country CDs and learn some of the songs.

I also want/ need to go back to school. I want to be smart. When I am out in the "real world with real people"..... ha! they make me feel very smart! Just within myself... I don't have the greatest self image. I am not so sure about my self esteem- I think - somewhere this has already been discussed.

I WANT to play softball. I have a HUGE potential with making a total FOOL of myself, not to mention the PAIN that I could cause myself, but I was invited, by friends/co-workers and I REALLY really want to do it. That is my main motive behind yoga. If I could just stretch these tightend muscles (and tightened innards too), well...... the world could be mine...... (Scarface, you know)

So, Im gonna "JUST DO IT". Yep! Thats me.... I am so totally scared about this whole thing!

But, Im gonna do it!!

Im hungry now.... I did Norah Jones twice insted of the others. She reminds me a lot of KT Tunstull. Hmmmm....

Im gonna go make dinner (at 7:30 at night, weird) and watch my recordings of CSI. Not CSI New York, or CSI Miami but, just CSI- Crime Scene Investigation. Ya that's what Im talking about, until I fall asleep on the couch that makes me feel like I am snuggling with someone untilI need my bed......

I now have a date with my couch... Nite.

01/02/09

WoW! It's here! I am cooking porkchops and eggs for breakfast. Im starving. I am trying to hurry so that I am not going to be late to work. No Jeannie today. I should get tons done, plus I am printing and it is inventory day since they anticipate that we will be slow.

I think I am going to put in for SRP as soon as they are hiring. I HAVE to make more money! I am tired of being poor!! The only thing that has held me back before were the hours. I dont' want to be working at night when my kids are home. I can handle early. I would even love to be here when they get home from school.

The thing is- you don't pick your hours, they do. I was really worried about the weekends. I wouldn't care about working weekends, except for my kids. When they are in school... that is like the only real time that we have together. But, I was thinking. I won't have them all summer long. By the time they are hiring and by the time I start (if I even get the job) it prob would be close to summer. That would give me 3 months to apply for different hours and/ or days!

I WANT the new Dodge Challenger!! How else am I supposed to get it at this no end, sexist, feast or famine stupid unpredictable job that I have. Construction is so slow right now.... will it ever really recover???

What about when it happens next time. There is always a next time in this industry. I think it is time to get out if I can!!

got to eat and squeek off to work. Hopefully my car will be ready today!! PLEASE!! I also need to get more agressive in getting some of mother's stuff sold!! Her storage is due this month!!

Sheesh!!

01/03/09

I love that it's the new year! I feel positive. Ihope it stays that way. I am a little lonely, but not ready for a relationship just yet. I'm not even sure how to do that! It will just work out I'm guessing.

I have things that I need to do. Some are immediate things like put away the Christmas stuff and get the carport cleaned off- it is embarrassing! Get the nice piece of furniture from my brother off the carport and in to my house. Take care of the freezers on the back porch.

Some are things that need to be done and to keep up on daily like get the laundry room cleaned, again, get my floor scrubbed before my cool Christmas present arrives (I got a steamer from Chuck!! So VERY cool!!- So VERY nice and generous!!), Clean up the back yard!! Get caught up on the laundry and try to stay caught up for a month!

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY.... I need to get in some sort of shape!! I want to go hiking again and not feel like I am going to pass out!! I want to play softball without hurting myself!!

And speaking of.... I've got to go and get started. It's Saturday morning and the only time I have to really get anything done!!

NO time like the present and I have all day long with no plans, yea!!!!

01/05/09

A new day, a new week, a new year. The kids go back to school today and my normal routine is about to begin. I should have gotten up about an hour ago.

I have to leave an hour earlier than I have been the last two weeks. I think I am going to walk the kids to school this week. At least today. I don't expect my teenage son to be ready and it being a new semester I expect him to stay home with some sort of an excuse. Im not sure what time he got in last night.

He is 18. This is his last semester of H.S. We will go down and enroll for college this month. Next month at the latest.

There are so many things, big things, time consuming things that I have to get done this month. I have to fix up my mother's "squeek mobile", -get the air conditioner compresser pump changed, get the oil changed, get the brakes done, give it a tune up and clean the thing really good and then sell it. But, first I have to have my car back. Still no car. This has been as long as a pregnancy! It has been so long I can't even remember what was wrong with it in the first place.

I have to get the freezers on the internet to sell. I have to get both the rugs cleaned and get them on the internet to sell. I have to start getting her storage cleaned out. It needs to be totally done by March. I have to do as much as I can this month, as I start softball next month.

I have to figure out what I am going to do for Adi's birthday this week. I think I am just going to have an "at home party" with immediate family. She goes to her dads this coming weekend and I just wasn't prepared to have a party before that. I will hve to talk with her and her dad. Maybe I can get out of a big party this year.

Im not feeling so good emtionally the last couple of nights. Why are nights so hard for me?? I am so tired of crying myself to sleep. I have done it, litterally, every night this year so far. I mean, I am lonely and I want a love so bad, but I don't feel like Im ready for that. Maybe sometime in the summer.

Ah my routine. I will get my next break in March- spring break. Then in the summer my life will take another new turn. I will be alone like last summer, but when the fall starts it will be different. One in grade school, one in jr high and one, maybe two and maybe two and me in college! Different. Im terrified of that!!

Im scared to face this future alone. I think that's what it boils down too. I lonely for someone to share my life with. Someone to come home to and talk about the day. Someone to share the responsibilities. Someone to talk with when I am feeling scared and lonely and uncertain.

I am so afraid there will never be a "someone" again. Did I use up all my chances getting married so young to someone that hurt me? And then marrying again to someone who got in to drugs and then cheated. And then living with someone for so long thinking that this was really, really it and have it not be???? Have I used it all up??

I want to share me. I am good and faithful and kind and loving and nice and fun and usually happy.

Time for a shower and to wake the kids.

I don't want to be sad and depressed today.

2/20/09

Well, it has been awhile. My blog isn't working at home. Odd. When I pull it up I see only the background.

Well, I feel pretty good. I mean I have my days, but....

I have an advisement appt for MCC on Monday and so does Ben (thank you Father God) and so does Best. Yea!! I think Im going to go with what I very first started with.... accounting.

I have a billards class that is coming up on the 3rd. 4 Tues. in a row fr 6:30 to 8:30. All girls. Maybe, just maybe, I will make a friend and we can go play pool together. That would be fun! Every other Tuesday or something.

I have a financial class coming up. It is the same one that I was going to co-teach at WOG, but the church "merged" and changed. I always want to say "fell apart". It will be nice to just take the class. And then, if they need help at a later date.... that would be cool! To co-teach a class!!

I am changing my phone service to Cox. I hope I don't regret this. They are so much cheaper!! Like $50!!

I have my yearly hair appt on Tuesday. WooHoo! I hear that she is good. I sure hope so.

Adi will shadow next week at GCC. I think on Friday. It will be good to get it overwith! I guess no matter which one she chooses that will also be the church that we go to.

Had skin cancer on my nose, AGAIN!! She burnt it off (froze) and I have to go back in a month.

I could elaborate more with thoughts and feelings and stuff, but I am at work. I will hopefully get my other computer back from Lisa soon and my blog will work again at home!!

I have MY OWN CAR BACK!! It is wonderful!! Lovely!! I have to go to the ins. office today and get it fully insured. Yea!!! Jeffrey really cleaned it nicely! WoW!

Also, he sold his blue car and it is no longer parked at my house. Bess sold her Jeep, no longer parked at my house!

The city replaced water mains in my neighborhood. They tore up my superbowl grass and left dirt piled on it for like 5 weeks. They finally fixed that yesterday!! Now I want to go get flowers and plant things in the front to make it look pretty. Im excited that my front is looking better.

Paula is supposed to pay for moms truck today and get it running soon and get it out of my driveway too!! Yea!

We spent the last three weekends moving things out of mother's storage. I have very little left on the carport. I have a piece or two on Craigs List. I hope they go soon.

I need to work on the middle bedroom and finish perfecting the front/side/carport and then start on the back yard. I hope the frost didn't kill my trees. I will be sad!!

Have other things on my list..... getting the dogs and the cat fixed. Maybe trying to find me a new (used) couch. Maybe new carpet by the fall, fix the gate, finish the fencing, fix under the kitchen sink, fix the bathroom sink, grout the kitchen (after 10 years), get the electrical stuff fixed, get the back screen fixed, maybe a front screen, paint the house, fix the kitchen popouts, declutter, move Adi into the middle bedroom, exchange bedrooms with the boys, clean off the back porch, get rid of the freezers, get the shampooer fixed, get the Suburban driveable, get it back over to my house, paint hallway bathroom....... hmmm quite the list. Lets see how much of it that I can get done by the end of the year!!

ummmhmmm

4-7-09 Well......

It hasn't been as long as I thought! I still don't have my other computer back, maybe this weekend. Lisa has called me a couple of time son it to ask questions. It was nice talking to her! I miss her terribly! I hung out with Pam the other night when Stacey was in town. It was o.k. Would have been better if we were both feeling better and if I didn't have my little ones and if I didn't have to drive!!

I did get the animals fixed! I was dreading it!! It wasn't that bad of an ordeal. And it is done yea!! The dogs do seem to be fighting less. That is good. Wzs one of my purposes!!

Mona Bergy found me on Facebook! Crazy!! I hope she emails me back. I don't think we had the same frineds back then. I remember really hanging out with just her- not her and all the friends. I think she was kina a loner. I remember she had a WAY older boyfriend.

I was thinking of Alex yesterday, out of the blue! Maybe the the talk about finding Michelle on there and not becoming her friend and all that led to those memories. I found Truman on Myspace. He is a Fireman now. He still looks good, not near as good as his brother, but... And he is also a fighter. Of course he is!! What a charmer! Looks like he has a kid, but other than that still the same.

This is now working on my old computer at home. I don't know what changed, but I forgot about it until this morning- to journal. I miss journaling! Im thinking about getting a laptop. Im also thinkiing of visiting Phern for Kyle's wedding. I won't have money for both and maybe neither. Im thinking that I need to get my electircal box fixed and Im still thinking about the carpet and couch too.

Loraine came to visit wh4en Jeff was here. I didn't see them at all, but Loraine stayed here! It was very nice to have her and there is NOT much company that I would say that about!!!

It is getting late. I have so much on my mind! I still have to shower and get to work.

I broke my toe. It is bad. It is swollen and Im getting so tired of hobbling on it!! I think I might try and wear normal shoes today. I have been wearing my houseshoes all week long and that is getting old too!

Glad I have my blog back!! I wish I had more time!! But, I will not have Adi and Aaron, after tonight for 5 days, so I should have time to catch up!!

Yea for me!!


4/10/09
It is a Friday and I am home early!! Yea for me. I broke my toe on Sunday, just before softball. I didn't play, but I batted- and attempte to run. STUPID!! I have worn my house shoes all week long except for today. I went to urgent care to have them check out the tingling in my toes that I herard isn't goo.

Guess it's normal.

Tim called to check on me AND even tho I will see him tomorrow for softball practice he asked me if I was going to church with him. I sure as fuck wish he wouldnt do this to me. He is so fucking hot and MARRIED. I get a little twinge between my legs when he does stuff like that. I think I am big enough to say NO! should the "opportunity" arise, but I dont want to be put in that situation. I mean it has been like two f'n months since Ive gotten laid and everyone is looking good about now and I have fleeting thoughts about comprimising my standards just to get some. It is SO HARD already. I don't need some hot married dude just checking on me. I prob wouldn't even think things (this should totally be under my heading "just a girl") except that one day last week or the week before he came in to my office and ask if I thought he was cute. I said yes. and he said cool. I didn't tell anyone. Ive told no one. What was that?? So then when I hurt my foot and was hanging out in the dugout (now this is normal for me) we were flirting. He just shouldn't flirt back. Dont' want to think about him. I try really hard not too!

So, anyway here it is Friday. I am home alone. I am going to steam my floor, do the dishes and clean the laundry room for sure. Get a head start for tomorrow. Maybe even clean out my car. Then I may go sit out back- maybe not. I am going to try and get caught up on my Wednesday financial homework. And try really hard not to drink.

I may watch a movie and eat fast food too. Sushi sounds good.

Have softball pracitce at 11. Want to go to the nursery too. Need to go to the veggie store and make a bouquet for my mother for Easter. Have church on Sunday, have to visit her, have the kids over for dinner.

I am making a "frenched rack of roast". You know, that fancy looking thing that usually has tassles on it. I am going to make some "corn stuffing", some wild rice and a salad. Or potatoes and a salad. We'll see. Should make that list. Maybe could do some of it tonight. Maybe. keep me from drinking.

I WANT TO HAVE SEX.

Ben planted some vines for me. One by the shed and one under the awning. I want to get one more for the awning on the other side and one for under my window and a bouganvilla for the corner of the yard. I will also need 3 pieces of lattice and I would like to try and find out what tree is growing around here with all the pink flowers. Maybe get one of those too.

I really need to plant a tree to the west of the awning. That evening sun is a real beast!!

I really want sex. I want to made love to, be kissed, be held, have someone to talk too.IM GOING TO BURST. or at least I feel like it.

Timber is haveing a house warming party on Sat (next week). Im pretty sure HE will be there. I need to be over this by then so that I don't cave. I don't want to cave like bring him home cave. I just don't want to cave like heres the back of my car cave. Ooooh the white trash is comin out in me!!!

When I get those vines all planted and they actually start to take off and grow, they are going to be so pretty. I was hoping to have a pretty back yard this year, but....

I think I am going to get started on my housework and then make my grocery list and get to the store. I will probly buy beer. Humph!! It might get my mind off SEX. Maybe my homework will do that too. I have a feeling I will be home alone all night.

At least Im getting used to it. Before it was weird. Now it is o.k. I have to learn to be able to "be alone". I DON'T WANT TO!!

04/11/09 Saturday- my favorite day of the week (when I don't have to work)

It rained last night. Yea! My grass got watered! I dreamed that my roof was leaking again. Im so glad it was just a dream.
I slept good for being at home alone. Im such a weenie! Usually I hear noises (the cat or the dogs or the neighbors) and I jump and wake up at every little thing. Well, I kinda do that anyway. Im such a light sleeper- it's from all the kids, I think!!

Laundry is going. The only thing I got done last night was the floor. It took me a long time. Jeffrey came over with Emma yesterday morning and made her orange juice and left it out. Well, the cat knocked it off of the table and my floor was a disgusting sticky mess!! YUK!! I hate sticky! I wiped it up, then steamed only that area and changed the steamer head thingy (the cloth) and steamed the floor and it was still sticky so I wiped it again and steamed it again and I swear it still felt sticky, but I was tired by then and very hungry so I went to the store.

Im such a pig! I so shouldn't shop when Im hungry!! I spent like $50!!

I bought a pound of shrimp and ate 1/2 of it. I bought some shrimp stir fry

(oh yea, I was in the mood for sushi- the fast food sushi place - yea I know questionable, but Ive never been sick from it and always say my prayers before eating it and NO its not the same as the good stuff, but it will do in a pinch when I am hungry and want it- besides the good places #1 are expensive and #2 I wouldn't want to go alone),

I did buy some broth for tomorrow that I will need and I bought some rolls that I can eat french dip with today- if there are any leftovers AND salad that I intended to eat, but was too hungry- and salad on a very empty stomach just does NOT do it for me.

I bought BEER, yes! I caved! I bought beer. But amazingly enough I was so hungry and the food was done sooner than I thought I actually only got thru a 1/2 of a beer.

I have this funny thing about me that I can't really drink after I eat. Now not all the time mind you, but most all the time. Like I can go to a pizza place and start drinking and eat some pizza and continue to drink, but that is usually the only time. So, when I want to drink I drink and sometimes end up drinking my dinner because I get tired. Not good, I know, but I am working on it. A work in progress as always!!

So I didn't really drink. I also bought milk- even tho the little ones aren't here this weekend, Ben will drink some and I bought chocolate soy milk- yummy oh and some yogurt. I think thats all. Stupid!! I shouldn't go hungry. I would have been way better off to go fast food- financially anyway.

Speaking of... I am taking this class on Wednesdays at Bethany. It is really hard to keep track of my spending sometimes! Last month was crazy with... getting pets fixed- I did it!! All of them are now sterile! They were joking at work about how no one was coming to my house because everyone was getting fixed- I said ya my boys need to be next!!

I had money to put in to the Suburban, my car, my mother's car, Aaron's birthday. Money was just flying out!! It was overwhelming and depressing to try and keep track of it.

Im realizing that I spend way more on food, fast food and beer than I initially thought! It's a wonder I can make my bills on this paper. HOW DO I MAKE MY BILLS EVERY MONTH?? On paper, it should NOT work!!

As of right now, thank you Father God, I still even have money in savings from income tax. I am going to have to snag some of it for the house payment. When I found out that Jeff and Debbie are going to continue until May I got a little careless. I went to Home Depot and bought a couple of vines and I usually spend more than whats on my list.

Im splurging and getting that "frenched"- hey! wait! did I mention that yet??? I am not too fond of ham. If we only ate it once a year at Easter, I would probably love it. But, I bought one at Christmas (trying to do something different- in addition to the turkey, of course), then when Lorraine was down she made a ham dish and I had left overs and Im tired of ham.... so, for Easter this year I wanted prime rib. Well, what an ordeal! You can't really buy prime rib in grocery stores (except one, and it is $26.99lb- on sale for Easter). They have different cuts of meat. Select, choice and prime. Most stores sell select which is the bottom of the barrel. You can get a really good cut of meat- choice- and usually the restaurants are the ones to get the "prime". So, if you want to make "prime" rib at home it is probably going to be "choice"rib.

Very interesting. I may get some and cook it and see if what they are selling to the general public as what we would call "prime rib" and see if it tastes anything like prime rib!!

I think right now one of the stores have it on sale for less than $5lb. I will have to find out if that is select. If Im going to spend that kind of money on meat, I will buy steak!! I KNOW that will be good!!

So, anyway I am getting this rack of meat "frenched" so it looks like that fancy crown meat. I am so excited! It will be something different! I want to splurge and practice on Ben (when he is here) and buy some other meats- like the cornish game hens that my mother used to make all the time when we were young. She used to stuff them with something and they were good. I bet they weren't as expensive as they are now at 2 for $5!! And not having them in a long, long while, Im wondering if I would notice a taste between that and say like chicken or turykey. If there is a difference and it is good- like I remember it being, it wouldn't be so bad to splurge and be able to cook something nice for that sexy, nice, kind, tough, bad-ass, sweet, faithful, loving man that is going to come in to my life.

And then who knows..... maybe he will be like my dad and be a meat and potatoes man and be easy to please and won't appriciate the effort that I am making to cook something "fancy" and special. If that is the case, then it would be nice to go out every so often so I can get something "good" and he can have something he likes (like meatloaf or some ordinary thing) and we can be happy with that.

But, while I am single. My son would apprecitate it. And I like to cook.... So, if I can afford the extra meat that I have on my list.... cornish game hens, the "fake" prime rib, steaks, leg of lamb and the "choice" boneless beef loin (New York) for what ever that means.

I am not really a "meat connisouir" so what that all means, I dont' know. I will have to find out!

I figure Im looking at about $200 in meat. But, it should last a while. The french thingy is going to run me about $50. Whew! I have to check my balance and see where Im at with the house payment and all and then see if I really, really want to splurge after that!!

I can see where having "cooking" as a hobby can get pretty costly. Im lucky to have found the veggie store just so that we can all eat healthy!! That really cuts my costs down! I also have to make it there today too.

I want to go there today so that I can make that fruit "flower" arraingement for my mother again for Easter. I think I can do better the second time around. It is so close to her place and I need to bring her cigarettes, but I want to visit her on the holiday.

I really am just now realizing how much stuff I really have to do today in order to prepare for tomorrow!

Besides normal chores- which today are only dishes, the laundry is almost done, the floor once again, the refrigerator, and I can't do the backyard because it is too wet.

I have to go to the grocery store, the veggie store, buy her smokes on the res, softball practice, make her fruit thing, see if the nursery is open today to buy the rest if my vines (they are closed on Sundays and may be this entire weekend), and get caught up on my homework......

So, it is almost 8:am. Chores first, and homework, and lists, and balance. Then... see what time is left. Softball practice has a time, veggie store after, come home, grocery store and then wa!la! I will be done- I believe for the day!!

Tomorrow- church, visit mother, and cook and visit.

Sounds simple enough!! Hope so!!

04/14/09- I think anyway- it's Tuesday.

I didn't make it to church. Seems I went to Pam's a little late and didn't go to bed til around 1:am. I did get so much done tho!!

Saturday was wonderful with the rain and my clean house and no kids!!

I have been feeling depressed lately and I can't shake it. I hate that. Maybe a little too much alcohol lately. I feel a little better today. Im going to start reading that 40 days and 40 nights book. I mean, I need to do my homework and get thru this class. I will need to take it again some day.

It's not like I have credit card debt. And even if I did make a budget, it would be hard to stick to with my income. I think that was my main goal for this class, was a budget. Getting Gods perspective is good too. It should be the most important, but I seem to get overwhelmed when I am learning about God.

I actually got up on time. But, now it is a little after 6 already. I had to go and check out my Facebook stuff. Ken was trying to show someone my page. That is nice of him. Im very flattered, but he doesn't really know me and I don't just want to meet random guys. I mean, Im not sure how else to find "him", but Im just not in to randomly dating right now. And he has to be grounded in Christianity. HAS TO BE.

I mean Im not good. Well, no one is, but I don't expect... ah hell... If I faulter- I just want someone to be able to keep me on track. I mean when we were married Aaron did it. He knew how important it was even if he wasn't doing it. Interesting. I just thought of that.

Jason on the other hand was not grounded and when I faultered, he was like "whew!" I don't hav to go to church either.

I swear. Not that I want him to be a sailor or anything, but if he comes over to a party and Lil Eddie is here or Jeffrey and they are dropping F bombs here and there I don't want them to be embarrassed, I mean after all, this is my life.

I drink, but I also try and apply what I learn in church. I mean that is what we are supposed to do, right??? Grow. Let people see the change.

So,.... grounded in faith. Maybe even go to church here and there. Know some things of the Bible. Preferably more than me. Be honest, faithful, real. Want to grow in church and volunteer and teach the kids things.

Grounded.

04/16/09
It is almost 6am already! I got out of bed at 5, but was so tired that I am just now able to journal. Checked email, stopped by to visit Facebook yada yda.

I am reading The Ten Commandments of Dating. Wow! What a total different perspective. I mean I agree with most of it, but by their calculations -if I were to meet someone..... well, by the time I think that I think Im going to be ready... which who knows, but lets just say..... Oct. and then we follow the rules.... I will be pushing 50 by the time we are supposed to be ready to get married.

I agree with the taking it slow kinda thing. I REALLY don't want another failed marriage. I actually don't think I want marriage, but it sure didn't work out good th other way around!! And I couldn't keep my head up in church.... ya "I live with my boyfriend" NO I don't want to do that again!! I knew I shouldn't have done it in the first place.

I'M CONFUSED!!!!

2 years of taking it slow/?? I supposed if we are "grown up adults making forward progress" (a line that I love from Heat), two years would actually be nothing. And as with the boyfriend..... there were ALL KINDS OF RED FLAGS that I chose to ignore. With my first (ugh!! I so HATE saying this!) husband and with my second the same thing. Ignore the red flags and they will go away or change or..... what was I really thinking???

Well what ever I have done in the past has not worked.

I am missing sex terribly!! It will be by the grace of God if I meet a man that Irealy like and don't sleep with him within the first month.

I also kinds think (in my worldly view) that if you get the sexual tension out of the way.... AND we are both Christians- wanting the same thing (ie long term relationship- the M word-) then why couldn't we just back off? Can;t you get to know someone (the two year rule) while having sex?? It just seems to me that the whole sexual tension thing would be too much to bear. I mean thats almost all I day dream about right now. Thats bad. That sounds bad.

I had this dram lat night. I dreamed that I was out front- like just coming from somewhere and Jason walks up with Nazi Jen and a baby stroller, just caual like- and my first thought is that he is trying to make me jealous. I don't hink I was because he could have in real life and (surprise!) he didn't.

Then the next think you know it isn't Jason anymore it is this "skin" dude and we were really going at it on the couch in the living room (heavy petting kind of thing) Then he gets real agressive and rough and scared me and I remember yelling for my best friend who was in the kitchen and he got all pissed and she and her husband came running in ... I don't remember the whole conversatin, but they said something and I was like ya- I like sex stupid yoiu don't have to be like that.... but I usedit the way I use stupid all the time- like "silly"- I really should change that habit before someone takes it the wrong way.... but - and Im thinking this because of the things that I read in the book last night about "you dont really know the person that you are dating for the first 6 to 12 months AND you tend to ignore "warning signs"- kind of thing.....

Like I really liked this guy and felt bad about calling out and I guess he flet bad (and this is too funny and too wierd, cuz this is SO NOT ME) he pulled out his "blade" and was sharpening it and I pulled out mine and started sharpening it the wrong way and he came over and showed me and pulled out a piece of glass (with his blade) from my thumb that was in there for a long time from Jason. So, then we were friends again and he had called for a ride to come get him and I aksed if he were going to stay for breakfast and he called the ride in time and he stayed (with a group of us- my house was full of people coming and going.

Like I owned a beauty shop/restaurant kind of place and we were in there taking care of business (it was my home too) and it was full of people and the breakfast (get this) was the frozen sausage buscuits that I have in the freezer- like I was sharing something special.....

Is that like the stupidest (and I really mean stupid) dream EVER??? Im not sure why or how... maybe I come across as something that Im not (even to myself) when it comes to guys??? Could that be it?? Like I think I like a certain guy, but I don't really??? Nah!!! But something along those lines.

Dreams are so fantastically interesting to me. I think somehow they have some sort of meaning. Even in the Bible when... is it Daniel that has to interperate teh dreams for the king??? And he was wise and the king was wise and listened (maybe it was.... who was the one taht was thrown in to the pit by his jealous brothers... Joseph??). I will have to brush up on that . It will bug me all day now. Like a song that you know, but can't quite remember!!!

But heis dreams predicted what God had given him to dream, he just had to know what it meant. When they are totally strange like this..... well that makes me wonder!!

After being with Jason and the "skins" for all those months, I have to admit taht I am attracted to them. Not because of any racial affiliaton, if anything that is a total turn off. And immature, but the whole "gang" thing. Im glad I was growing up in a different time. I can see why people are atrtracted to that. The whole family thing the -if it were real- love and belonging.

I think disfunctional families that the kids are neglected drqw this kind of commadre 9spelling?). I can see it. I can feel it. I just wonder why me and now??? I have my kids and the tight family thing, but maybe sometimes I just don't feel like somebody is "watching my back". Not a good Christian perspective, but I guess that is how I feel.

Why am I atrracted to that sort of thing? I mean really really?? I like the... toughness, but I dont know why. I have this great need to feel protected. I don't think it is normal. I almost look for that in a guy, but why?? It's not like I go places where we might "get in to a fight" or... whate ver, but I think of that when I see a guy. He looks tough or he doesnt and I know that just because one looks tough or doesn't- doesn't mean that they are or aren't.....

So why THIS infatuation with these tough, scary looking guys who look like (Im laughing outloud at this word. It is a DUMB word and I love it) "shank" you.

Why oh why oh why???? (uh did I just come up with a fleeting something....???? I used the word "infatuation"- as opposed to another word... just an observation)

04/18/09

Am so tired today. Glad its Saturday! It is 3:pm already. I haven't done much today. Im thinking about working on the shed (now I think of it), but I have to leave to get Aaron in 1/2 hour. And here I sit typing away.

Timber's housewarming is today. I want to buy her something, but Im not sure what.

Stupid mailman hasn't come yet. I wanted to go shopping.

Have UFC at Jen's tonight too. That is at 7, but at the rate Im going I won't be getting to Timber's til then. I don't plan on staying long. One, I won't be drinking- I have to drive to Jen's and two, Im not sure what company she is going to have, but I would imagine the same old crowd including Him and Im just not in the mood.

If he is there he will be happy to see me and think the same old things and then will be a big depressed baby when I leave and he drinks way too much. Besides he really did me wrong and I just don't think that I want any more to do with any of it.

I really should have gotten more done today- worked on Adi's room, normal chores, but nooooo not a thing.

Well I did go to weight watchers with Sheree this morning. That is SOMETHING. Then I came home and ate (ha!ha!ha!) and watered the lawn and took a nap until like...... 1:30. It took me forever to actually wake up fully.

Now I want to get started on something, but I will have to go get Aaron soon. He had a sleep over at church.

Adi has a birthday party at 5. A sleep over, I think. I was originally supposed to be at Timber's by 4 so that I could get outta there before all her other company showed. So, I will just be runnig late the whole day.

I have to make a salad for Jens. I am bringing back her salad from Easter. She likes the weeds and stuff. Blech!! I like Romaine mixed with the weed stuff, but not the weed stuff by itself.

I guess I will shop for salad fixins and Timber's gift on my way home with Aaron.

Then take Adi where she needs to go and then see if the nursery is still open and see if Ben wants to go with me.

We had an awesome dinner last night. We bbq's steaks and I was making a salad and potatoes and opening a bottle of wine and it was so nice out that I thought it would be cool to eat outside and we did and it WAS WAY cool!!!!

We put on a table cloth and sat and visited and made plans for the back yard together. It will be too hot soon so I think until then maybe that can be a Friday night thing.

The dogs did pretty good.

I am very sluggish today. Yuccy! I really need to make plans for the weekend during the week- goals and stuff. I sure get a lot more done when I do that.

I haven't done my homework either. I am tired of the class already. The only thing I really need it for is the budget and the prayer.

I finally planted the flowers by the mailbox. I need to paint the house before I plant vines next to it!!

ALL THESE THINGS! So little time and money. Maybe I could paint next month before the weather gets too hot. Iwas going to wait until the fall, but I want to plant vines NOW!! So that next spring my house and yard will look prettier.

Impatience!!! *&^%!!!