My ch cha changes are not going quite as planned. I drank on Friday night..... a lot! Enough to piss off and dissapoint myself; enough to make me want to sleep the majority of Sat and have no energy to get the things done that I wanted too for my moms dinner.
I had a great! (rough) week at work. Daddy was out on vaca, D had a funeral to be at; M was out on vaca, R was out on vaca and then L was out on Thurs and Fri. Exhausting!
The kids were home for the weekend and B had no idea what to make for dinner, so I went to Honey B's. ordered food and had a (ONE) beer. It was good and I hadn't drank in almost a whole week. Stopped and got six for me and B to share..... no biggie. Well C&B were over with my baby and the boys had been drinking Bloody Mary's already, so..... and then J&C showed up, with beer, and I got my beer to myself.
So on Sat when all was going well and my mom was already here AND so was everyone else, I sat down on the couch to visit and totally thought I would fall asleep.... so hair of the dog.... so it goes (stole that from K.V.). I was lazy again yesterday BUT not enough to make me miss class at church.
Glad that I went, but the group has really gotten small. I counted 10 of us, the same 10 that were there last week. I wanted to go to service as well, but A was not home from his cousin's house at the time he was supposed to be.
I am nervous about leaving the kids during the week for school. I guess it will only be one really late night with them and I am hoping that Josh can find them some service work for an hour before their class and that I can get them home..... somehow. Bess is good for one day out of the month. Pam said she would help if needed. I am hoping by then Ben will have confidence in driving (or me in him) and can just do it. I am going to take and early day off or a late morning in to get his license this week. Whew! Then when my policy come up in another month for renewal I will put the car on full coverage and drop the Burb off.
It rained last night, good enough so that I dont have to water the grass this morning. Yay! I do need to get moving tho. I have breakfast to make, a shower to take and luch to pack and I wanted to get out the door early. I need to start getting up earlier! I have no time as it is right now for running and making breakfast and getting the chores done. I wonder how that will work when I am coming home at 10:30 at night two times a week in the fall? I am also wondering about boot camp..... Will I be satisfied going only three times a week? Should I just join a gym with better hours? And if I did that and I have class four nights out of the week.... when would I go?? Class on Mon, Tue, Thurs and Wed night, softball on Fri night.... that would leave Mon, Wed a.m. and Sat and Sun. That would be a cheaper four days a week, but not near the workout. Maybe that will be fine for the fall and then see what happens come the new year and a new schedule.....
Ahhh geeezzzz so much that I want to cram into my week. My schedule will be so very full and no CR for the whole fall too unless I went on Saturdays.....
Monday exercise in the a.m. and then class from 5 to 10:30 (Aaron can get the kids), Tues class from 5 to 7, late dinner but do-able, Wed exercise in the a.m.? and then class from 5 to 10:30- I would try and get the kids to church early and have someone pick them up, they would be on their own for the rest of the night, but they would eat dinner at church. Thurs class from 5 to 7 (Aaron would get the kids), Fri exercise in the a.m.? and then softball at night. Sat exercise and CR in the evenings (??), Sunday church, class and then exercise??? I may be way too tired in the mornings to get up and get going and then when would I really have time for homework? Burning the candle at both ends.... Whats new, right??
I wouldn't have too much time to drink nor a boyfriend..... Would my schedule be just as rigorous the next sememester?? Should I change it now??
I am also concerned about Adi and school and boys this next month. Hmmmmm.....
Got to go......
Monday, July 11, 2011
Monday, July 4, 2011
Ch Cha Changes....
I hope anyway. Went to church for a change. Jogged tonight with Ben even tho it was 101 and humid. Decided to quit driking beer for the month of my birthday (now). And started the 17 day diet. I am tired of being tired. I am tired of being fat and feeling lazy.
Had breakfast with Charlene this morning. It was very nice. We are going to CR on Wednesday at WOG.
Had a weird thing happen in church on Sunday. One of the regulars freaked out in service thinking the pastor was the FBI and that the FBI was out to get him. Crazy. Then he ended up in our class room..... Luckily the guys knew him well and escorted him out and calmed him down. Luckily he was in a safe place to have a melt down!
Caught up with Robbin tonight on FB.
It is the Fourth of July.... Used to be my fav holiday. The dogs are barking and freaked out over the noise.
My garden is doing pretty good. Work is ok. Will be busy tomorrow with so many ppl out. Changed my major to architecture!
I hope anyway. I haven't been accepted just yet. Im tired of being a poor nobody.
I am..... Holy and with out blemish. That is what the pastor told us. Makes one want to persevere in their faith!
Had breakfast with Charlene this morning. It was very nice. We are going to CR on Wednesday at WOG.
Had a weird thing happen in church on Sunday. One of the regulars freaked out in service thinking the pastor was the FBI and that the FBI was out to get him. Crazy. Then he ended up in our class room..... Luckily the guys knew him well and escorted him out and calmed him down. Luckily he was in a safe place to have a melt down!
Caught up with Robbin tonight on FB.
It is the Fourth of July.... Used to be my fav holiday. The dogs are barking and freaked out over the noise.
My garden is doing pretty good. Work is ok. Will be busy tomorrow with so many ppl out. Changed my major to architecture!
I hope anyway. I haven't been accepted just yet. Im tired of being a poor nobody.
I am..... Holy and with out blemish. That is what the pastor told us. Makes one want to persevere in their faith!
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Wed. 5.18.11
10 min til boot camp. trying to get a cup o joe down. Stayed for the whole hour. Will again today too.
Was thinking about starting up with one of those party businesses. A photo one. I need to say my prayers on it more tho first. Consult with my daddy.
I have been trying to be more diligint about homework. Since I have no younger ones this week.. A is in Cali with school and little A is with his father hopefully getting some attention.
Think I might have a drink with Mrs P tonight if she is up for it..... just to chat. Kind of went off in an email yesterday. I erased it, but went off again and ..... ya I erased it again. Now Im glad.
Still trying not to drink. I was just texting Phern and told her that the weekend will be my hardest test. Especially if I get bored. I am really trying my best to read all of my material this week.
Well all this texting is cutting in to my writing time. Im out.
Was thinking about starting up with one of those party businesses. A photo one. I need to say my prayers on it more tho first. Consult with my daddy.
I have been trying to be more diligint about homework. Since I have no younger ones this week.. A is in Cali with school and little A is with his father hopefully getting some attention.
Think I might have a drink with Mrs P tonight if she is up for it..... just to chat. Kind of went off in an email yesterday. I erased it, but went off again and ..... ya I erased it again. Now Im glad.
Still trying not to drink. I was just texting Phern and told her that the weekend will be my hardest test. Especially if I get bored. I am really trying my best to read all of my material this week.
Well all this texting is cutting in to my writing time. Im out.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
So tired...
I am ill, just slightly, but I think it may be the beginning of me needing to rest a full day. Yuk! I did make it to boot camp tho. I am sore from yesterday. I think it was the wood choppers.
I think Jen is here, so I guess I need to be done. I can't hardly hold my eyes open.
Have so much on my mind. I have A and A for another week (this week), it will be week #3 in a row. Well, Id better go visit and then. I am ready but need to make sure the kids are ready and we have to be out the door in 20.
I think Jen is here, so I guess I need to be done. I can't hardly hold my eyes open.
Have so much on my mind. I have A and A for another week (this week), it will be week #3 in a row. Well, Id better go visit and then. I am ready but need to make sure the kids are ready and we have to be out the door in 20.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
and another long weekend.... gone
Here it is... Tuesday. And once again, I have got to stop drinking. And Im really thinking stop all together! Mostly it bothers me because of my weight- I won't ever lose anything if I keep drinking, at least the way that Im drinking. I didn't feel so well when I got up on Monday. I didn't get anything done that I needd too. I hate that!
I had bad dreams again. There was this car sitting outside this glass door in a parking spot (our house, but not our house). We (dont know who all "we" is) lived right by work (which was located outdoors) I was walking by to go the the "other house" that was above a bar, or garage or something and had to stop and help a customer with a paint color.
I had this preminition on the way back to the original house- this car- I had weird flashing visions and I didn't really see anything, but I felt there was going to be something bad that happend in that car to a child, there would be blood.
I was totally freaked out and didn't want anyone to take the car. I was thinking that my kids weren't allowed to get in that car and go anywhere.
I remember it was small and dark like Jen and Corey's, but it was green- almost black green.
Why am I having these bad, vivid dreams?? That is like two or three nights in a row!
I was going to write yesterday morning, but I had a headache at first and then Adi and Aaron were up and I thought I would write after they left, but I got on the computer and messed around and played some poker and really didn't feel like writing.
I started on my purple flower. It is ugly, so far anyway. Ive decided that I have white house paint and if I really dont like it when Im done, I will paint over it and start all over.
The last time I wrote I posted another bad dream. I acutally think there might have been two in one, but one for sure, I think anyway, I didn't write about. I dreamed that I was in a car with Adi and Aaron and a monsoon started coming in fast and then there was hail- which is NOT normal here in the summertime and then it started to snow and I was thinking the end of the world was here and I knew for sure tornados were coming next and I got Jen on the phone and I was headed out to her, but then she was already headed to me and I needed to get to Jeffrey and Ben and then I woke up.... wierd. All these weird bad dreams are gonna start making me nervous!
The bar b q went well on Sunday. Paula didn't bring her guy friend with his son. I was a wee bit dissapointed, but then she made the comment that he'd had some kind of surgery and his stomach was "an open wound and oozing like Jason's arm did with the tattoo" Ewww. So, then I had this mental picture of this over weight truck driver and Paula and I dont have the same taste in men anyway. So, whew!
And I thought oop he's not the right one for me. I think God is looking out for me because Im weak!
I even thought about Mike yesterday for a very VERY fraction of a split second and then I noticed there was a text from him wanting to meet me for a drink. Uh no thanks. I sure dont' want to open that can of worms. He is a pig and is out for nothing but sex.
That is definately not what Im looking for in a guy. LOL!!! I don't know what Im looking for. Actually, I don't really think that Im looking at all.
Im not ready yet. Maybe by next summer. I want to be in better shape. I keep saying that! I want new carpet and new (to me) furniture. I want my backyard done- at least the cleaned shed part and the back porch part- and I am working hard to get those done!!!
I just don't want my house to be embarrassing! I want it to at least look like a responsible adult lives here! I let things go for far too long!! Im working on it!!
Not on me tho. I think I am going to give it a shot again this morning tho..... the working on me thing. Hop on the eliptical, do a few sit ups. I just read slow sit ups for me until I build my stomach muscles up and then use the ball so I don't hurt my back. So Tuesday, Thursday ..... Sunday sit ups. Monday, Wednesday , Friday yoga???? Hmmmm.... I wish I had motivation to really do it and stick to it!
I have dishes to do this morning too- a clean house always takes precidence!!
I miss my kids already! Ben came home last night, otherwise I think I was just going to sleep on the couch until I got uncomfortable.
Our lives are changing again...... here it is summer with new routines, but then when the fall comes it will be so much different than before!! The kids have been going to Burke now for.... well since the twins were in 3rd grade, so, 10 years, every fall I drive to that school and now this year they will be going to a different school and my routine and the people and the scenery will be so differernt! Plus I will go back to school and the twins... a lot to take in for someone who doesn't do good with change. I hope I can handle this!!
Adi in nervous and I am nervous for her and for me!! Breathe.... need to take this summer and breathe!
I don't want to go back to work today. I want to stay home and do dishes and finish up what I can in the shed before the black dumpster is full again- I worked in the back yard some on Saturday and it is almost full already, but I got a lot (it feels like) done on the porch, so....
Here it is 6:16. I have to do mostly the big pans this morning for sure, feed the dogs, turn on the water for the trees, excercise(?) and shower.
Well I guess with a long weekend comes a short week, right? A paid one even!
Im feeling in the dumps today from all the alcohol. I wish I had support to help me remember when at that crucial time just before I open a beer why I dont want to drink!! I just don't stop and think of the consequences like I should and then remember that I want to limit myself!! And I have all this beer left over!!
Time to do something! Anything at all.....
I had bad dreams again. There was this car sitting outside this glass door in a parking spot (our house, but not our house). We (dont know who all "we" is) lived right by work (which was located outdoors) I was walking by to go the the "other house" that was above a bar, or garage or something and had to stop and help a customer with a paint color.
I had this preminition on the way back to the original house- this car- I had weird flashing visions and I didn't really see anything, but I felt there was going to be something bad that happend in that car to a child, there would be blood.
I was totally freaked out and didn't want anyone to take the car. I was thinking that my kids weren't allowed to get in that car and go anywhere.
I remember it was small and dark like Jen and Corey's, but it was green- almost black green.
Why am I having these bad, vivid dreams?? That is like two or three nights in a row!
I was going to write yesterday morning, but I had a headache at first and then Adi and Aaron were up and I thought I would write after they left, but I got on the computer and messed around and played some poker and really didn't feel like writing.
I started on my purple flower. It is ugly, so far anyway. Ive decided that I have white house paint and if I really dont like it when Im done, I will paint over it and start all over.
The last time I wrote I posted another bad dream. I acutally think there might have been two in one, but one for sure, I think anyway, I didn't write about. I dreamed that I was in a car with Adi and Aaron and a monsoon started coming in fast and then there was hail- which is NOT normal here in the summertime and then it started to snow and I was thinking the end of the world was here and I knew for sure tornados were coming next and I got Jen on the phone and I was headed out to her, but then she was already headed to me and I needed to get to Jeffrey and Ben and then I woke up.... wierd. All these weird bad dreams are gonna start making me nervous!
The bar b q went well on Sunday. Paula didn't bring her guy friend with his son. I was a wee bit dissapointed, but then she made the comment that he'd had some kind of surgery and his stomach was "an open wound and oozing like Jason's arm did with the tattoo" Ewww. So, then I had this mental picture of this over weight truck driver and Paula and I dont have the same taste in men anyway. So, whew!
And I thought oop he's not the right one for me. I think God is looking out for me because Im weak!
I even thought about Mike yesterday for a very VERY fraction of a split second and then I noticed there was a text from him wanting to meet me for a drink. Uh no thanks. I sure dont' want to open that can of worms. He is a pig and is out for nothing but sex.
That is definately not what Im looking for in a guy. LOL!!! I don't know what Im looking for. Actually, I don't really think that Im looking at all.
Im not ready yet. Maybe by next summer. I want to be in better shape. I keep saying that! I want new carpet and new (to me) furniture. I want my backyard done- at least the cleaned shed part and the back porch part- and I am working hard to get those done!!!
I just don't want my house to be embarrassing! I want it to at least look like a responsible adult lives here! I let things go for far too long!! Im working on it!!
Not on me tho. I think I am going to give it a shot again this morning tho..... the working on me thing. Hop on the eliptical, do a few sit ups. I just read slow sit ups for me until I build my stomach muscles up and then use the ball so I don't hurt my back. So Tuesday, Thursday ..... Sunday sit ups. Monday, Wednesday , Friday yoga???? Hmmmm.... I wish I had motivation to really do it and stick to it!
I have dishes to do this morning too- a clean house always takes precidence!!
I miss my kids already! Ben came home last night, otherwise I think I was just going to sleep on the couch until I got uncomfortable.
Our lives are changing again...... here it is summer with new routines, but then when the fall comes it will be so much different than before!! The kids have been going to Burke now for.... well since the twins were in 3rd grade, so, 10 years, every fall I drive to that school and now this year they will be going to a different school and my routine and the people and the scenery will be so differernt! Plus I will go back to school and the twins... a lot to take in for someone who doesn't do good with change. I hope I can handle this!!
Adi in nervous and I am nervous for her and for me!! Breathe.... need to take this summer and breathe!
I don't want to go back to work today. I want to stay home and do dishes and finish up what I can in the shed before the black dumpster is full again- I worked in the back yard some on Saturday and it is almost full already, but I got a lot (it feels like) done on the porch, so....
Here it is 6:16. I have to do mostly the big pans this morning for sure, feed the dogs, turn on the water for the trees, excercise(?) and shower.
Well I guess with a long weekend comes a short week, right? A paid one even!
Im feeling in the dumps today from all the alcohol. I wish I had support to help me remember when at that crucial time just before I open a beer why I dont want to drink!! I just don't stop and think of the consequences like I should and then remember that I want to limit myself!! And I have all this beer left over!!
Time to do something! Anything at all.....
Monday, September 22, 2008
Be Still and Know.....
9/22/08
"re:direct" re: the art of starting over based on Joshua ch1&3
Went to church yesterday. There was this one time, a long time ago, when I was going to church regularly for the first time ever in my life. My husband didn't like it. He thought I was doing it on purpose to get time away from him. Ya, well you know, if the shoe fits....
I remember going thru my divorce. I had just got baptized not too long before and was so very unsure- being this new Catholic and all, if I was supposed to get a divorce, you know? I was confused. You are supposed to be married only once. But, what about this? and what about that? I wasn't getting physically abused, but there were other damaging emotional issues that I was going thru with him and so much of the time I wished I were physically getting beat so that I would at least have something to show for the pain he was putting me thru. Kind of like how "cutters" cut to ease the emotional pain that they are in because it is so unbearable.
So, did I have reason for divorce in God's eyes? or was this going to be a terrible sin as a newly baptized Catholic girl/wife/mother?
I was on the phone talking and crying with my bestest friend and time and again before that I would tell her that I swear God is talking directly to me thru the Priest!! I would have a problem and lo and behold the sermon would be about just that.... now not every single Sunday mind you, but those "pivotal moments" of complete crisis and confusion in my life!! I would ponder something and be concerned and confused for days n days, weeks, or months and then Wa!La! just like that a sermon on my problem.
So, after yaking with her on the phone she decided to come to church with me for emotional support.
It was about the escape of Israel out of the bonds of Egypt!! About how yes they should leave and not look back and about how yes it is going to be painful and hard and you must not look back but go forth...... that was the sermon. I cried. She cried. She said that "I guess you got your answer". It was like I was talking to God that morning on the phone and she heard it too.
I will always remember that as being this HUGE pivotal moment in my life.
I had one of those yesterday at church, again. So much so that I had to call my bestest girlfriend and tell her because the whole time I was sitting there in church- years and years later, in a Protestant church, wondering about another relationship I was thinking of that pivotal moment in my life.
Here, for 3 years now I have been confused. I was living differently for the past three years than I ever had before (bad), living with a boyfriend, drinking way too much- WAY TOO MUCH all the time, and stopped going to church.
Like, I went from finding this church with husband #2 10 years ago. Going to church every Sunday and even volunteered Sunday school. Then we divorced and the church stepped in. They gave me counseling and I took solace and comfort in my newly discovered faith- which one shouldn't confuse with "getting baptized" or just "going to church" as faith.
My kids and I went every single Sunday for both services. The first one I was in Sunday school class and they were in service and the second they were volunteering and I was in church. It worked out great!
They liked it, I liked it. If we didn't go to church for whatever reason they would freak out come Monday morning and tell me that "it can't be Monday we didn't go to church yet"
Then.... the boyfriend moved in- and I'm scared of marriage, so my thought pattern changed and I didn't think it so bad "living with someone" as opposed to going thru another divorce.
Now, I think I realize- don't know if I've been beaten enough yet on this one- that there is a reason that God wants marriage as opposed to living with someone. It's just a realization mind you, a little fleeting knowledge that creeps up here and there. I won't attempt to "get churchy" and explain. This knowledge is for my personal benefit, for my personal situation and no one has walked in my shoes and I've not walked in theirs.
But, I kinda knew it was wrong for me. I had guilt. I lost sleep over it. I prayed about it (in my own way, please Father, forgive me for this, but I am going to keep doing it and I just want you to overlook it and make it okay- because I believe in you and I love you and I know that you love me and you can make anything right and perfect).
Yea those were my prayers as I lived with a man that I barely knew and started drinking myself into oblivion and quit going to church almost completely.
He was willing to go to church- he even got baptized. It's just with all that hard partying on Saturday night and not going to bed until all hours and having the worst hangover, EVER time and again, I was just not feeling good enough to go. Then missing one or two times turned in to quitting Sunday school because I was "living in sin" and I knew being part of the church "body" that this was unacceptable in the position that I was in and gave me another excuse to miss yet more days without having the guilt, because now I just wasn't allowed to volunteer in that particular position.
So, here it is September, three years later. I have gone to church twice this year (not including yesterday). Once was to check out the new pastor. I didn't like him. Used that for an excuse not to go. Another was when Kurt Warner, the Arizona Cardinals quarterback, came and did a sermon. Those were the only two times.
I have had a bad year with all the stuff, mom stuff, kid stuff and then (ex)boyfriend stuff. I heard the calling- again- and thought I really do need to go back. Just before the (ex)boyfriend and I split up in the very beginning of summer I was able to go back to church and do the "Sunday school" thing again.
A few times I had inquired here and there to make sure the policy hadn't changed, mostly to alleviate my guilt and try and make myself have a commitment that would make me go to church regularly again.
Then the church structure changed. A lot of things changed at our church and I inquired again and then on one of the times that I actually went to service, I ran into my old supervisor and she told me she had been praying about it and had brought it up to... someone... and that they were going to make an exception.
I felt good, privileged- on my way back to church again. Started going and doing it- . Then the frying pan and my boyfriend was cheating and I knew when she said she had been praying and I knew when they let me come back that God had ulterior motives for my life. HE is just not going to bend the rules because I am his spoiled and privileged little precious daughter. Ooooohhhhh Noooooo........ HE HAD A PLAN. Uh huh, the frying pan!!
And I had this calling, again. I printed up local Christian churches in my area and had planned to attend one or more of them until I found just the right one, or talk with some of the people that left our church when things changed so drastically, to see where they went. But, I hate change. I am not good with it and I got an email from the pastor (generated church wide) and in his email he talked about change- not only change in our church, but change in our personal life. Now remember, I don't like change.
I thought uh-oh I have to go to church. I really haven't given the new pastor a fair chance. I am glad that I went. The sermon was good. God had a really good talk with me. Now I have to figure some things out without getting hit with the frying pan.
for you have not passed this way before... as in it may seem like I am going thru the same ol' same ol' with the cheating men and with being alone AGAIN, but he says this time around I am a different person going thru what appears to be the same thing with a different person.
And then.... just some other random stuff to ponder on later, to fix, to improve, to rewrite......
But, mostly my whole life God has been a calling of some sorts, for years and years
I kept getting this crazy feeling, or thought or something about how I needed to go to church. I would have it for like months and months and then it would go away. And then it would come back and go away- for years this happened to me. My step mom and I used to always talk about going to church. She wanted to go to. The only church I ever knew was Catholic and she wanted to go and be one too. She never did.
Then one time I read that, if we are not careful God stops calling our name. If we ignore him long enough..... there is a possibility that he will just quit calling us. That scared me.
I think that is when I started going to St Bridget's. I knew some women from the twins club that went to that church. One of them ended up to be my Godmother. I don't even know her anymore. Carol Sullivan. I think of her often. The last time I seen her was at Word of Grace. She was going thru a divorce- he had cheated on her and left her for a younger woman, she had "the perverbial rug" pulled out from underneath her and a friend had brought her to church.
I was insensitive- she had a broken heart- I hadn't had one yet. We talked and she asked how I was and (even tho I wasn't and my marriage wasn't) I lied and said that life was great! and my marriage was great! Mostly, I didn't think she would want to hear that things were bad for me too. Now I know I hurt her and I know I invoked anger in her with my words. I went thru it shortly after that! AND then and ONLY THEN did I realize that I had hurt her. That was the last time I saw her. I think of her often. I pray for her often. I would like to be her friend again.
So then,......
You go to church and take a class here and there and inevitably you hear people's stories about "becoming Christian" this "pivotal moment" in their lives and just like getting hit with a frying pan they "got it", most after years and years of going. Ah the testimonials. They really are terrific and bring tears to the eyes, but I NEVER had that.
There was just something, always something there. I have always my whole entire life believed in God. For the majority of my life until I was... I don't know, maybe in my 20's even, I thought, literally every one in the whole wide world just knew there was a God and believed in him. I truly thought this. Even if they didn't act like it- for I didn't "act" like it. I just knew always that he was there.
So, I never got to have a "pivotal moment", my life is more like a series of pivotal moments, learning lessons, because I too have to be hit over the head with a frying pan- more than once or twice! God literally has to beat me 1/2 to death and then I go... "are you talking to me???- cuz I really thought you were talking about him or her, or them, but not me- I'm not like that, I don't do that, I don't think that, I wouldn't be like that" and come to find out "Oh Yes You Are" after I am reeling from the 3rd or 4th blow with the frying pan, why yes I am just like that aren't I? Or, I am supposed to do that, aren't I? I am supposed to be like that, aren't I?
So, I never really had a story a "testimony" to share..... until I was like 40
I was a single mom and this was my 40th birthday coming up. I was laying in bed and thinking I do want something for my birthday, I DO! But. it's not like I can say "hey kids"- they don't have money. So, where else did I have to go but to my Father. So, I was talking to him and said. It's my 40th birthday. What I'd really like is a car. I really need a car. I know that money isn't an object for you and speaking of money, a little extra money would be great! Oh! and a boyfriend for I am lonely. I know that you can do all these things. I may not deserve them, but you could provide them. Not, that Im expecting anything at all. I don't know if I even deserve these things, but it says that I can ask for anything and so..... I am. And I did, with the heart and mind of a child. Just me giving Dad my big Christmas list so to speak.
On my 40th birthday party I even announced it that I made my request. A couple of months later I was told by my ex-husband that I had to refinance our house and take his name off of it. So, I did. In the process I ended up with money enough to buy me a car and I had money left over and by December I had a boyfriend.
May not have been the perfect of perfects, but all of my requests were granted. That is my very first testamony!
10/03/08- I think. T.G.I.F
I haven't been to church in two weeks. Well, I went last week for the two year old class. I was going to stay for second service, but found out there was no second service anymore. Crazy how much church has changed! I wonder what our attendance is?? We went from four services to two when the pastor semi- retired!
I even thought about changing churches, but na.
Our church started a fast this week. No alcohol, no caffine, no meat and no deserts. Well....... I think the first mess up was right after Tommy's funeral I ate a sandwich- with deli meat. I didn't care, I was being reblious. Then I was craving a soda. Nothing goes better with a sandwich and chips than a soda. BUT, I held strong thru that one... ya it was hard. So I get back to the office and co worker offers me a nice cold diet coke. Im glad the strong craving is gone or that would have been all she wrote!! I declined.
Then a couple of hours later, I get that weird chest pain again. BAD. I hate that, feel like Im gonna have a heart attack! It was probably the anxiety from not having the soda!! I drink the soda (it is like gas pains in my chest and YES believe it or not carbination works). And it comes back later that night at home and I have no soda, but I have a beer. So I had ONE beer. ONE.
So, really REALLY screwed up that day!!
Yesterday I had an appt with my son and we went to Jack N the Box for breakfast after. I ate meat again. I really didnt think about it when I was ordering. I was thinking of leaving off the sauce and the cheese and how much better it tastes with the sauce and the cheese, BUT I remembered no caffine. So I didnt' order the soda (again) that I wanted. And last night with the migrane at home I drank four beers.
Tonight is a wedding too! Sunday is a babyshower (yes, we drink at baby showers, birthdays- even if its a kids, weddings, bar b q's, holiday's, Friday nights, Saturday nights, football season ect..... WE DO THAT around here). I'm wondering how Im going to hold out. Hmmmm......
Well, I did change my rountine a bit and that is making me feel good. I have time slots in the morning so that I am not lost on the computer for two hours. Yoga is at 5:15, just like a class. Shower is no later than 6:am which is right now so I have to go. Wake the kids up at 6:15. Clean/ and breakfast until 7 and be ready by 7:30!!!
So far everything going good but the be ready by 7:30. That only happend yesterday AND then I had the appt with my son and had to sit around for 30 min. before we left.
Ahhh.... such is life.....
10/12/08
Didn't make it to church last weekend. Had a terrible hangover. TERRIBLE!! I wanted to go so bad too. Today is a Sunday school day so no service for me.
I started off my "staycation"- as so dubbed by a co-worker for those of us who use vacation time and stay at home.
My staycation started off terrible. At first I had money. Lots of money if I were to so choose. Then all went haywire the eve of the beginning of my staycation, at the store no less, with three of my kids. At the check out I tried one card.... should have had $160 on it (lots of money to me). Now on this one (as I had the kids with me) I could have over spent. I was thinking, at the time, that I had $200 on it so.... but not to worry I have my main acct card with me too. $300 in savings and $300 in checking. I KNOW this because I just transferred money from savings to checking to be able to pay my house payment. I had some house payment money in my wallet also in the form of child support and a monthy expense check from work- and the rest coming in my next direct depsoit the day after the beginning of my staycation. Soo I felt RICH!!!
That card didn't work either. Its a small bank so no one was able to help me at that time of night (maybe 7:30). Soooo off to the bank we go while the groceries all bagged wait for us in the cart. Talk about embarrassing!! I have NEVER had that happen before!
My checking acct bal.? ZERO!! My savings acct bal.? ZERO!! WTF??!!
Well being diligent and not wanting to forget to make my house payment I had gone on line earlier in the week and made a payment to be taken out the Monday after my staycation. And YES, you guessed it....... BUT NOOOO, they took it out that day. Earlier in the day, that day of the beginning of my staycation. So, I have NO MONEY now. NONE.
I will worry about it tomorrow, I think. I still have money in my wallet to cash. Well come to find out the next day, a personal, out of state check is VERY hard to cash- impossible. My main acct was farther in the hole than what I had in my wallet because of the mortgage company, so I still had no money.
I stood in the kitchen that morning crying to God. I want money. I am so tired of being poor and so tired of this and of that and what was I going to do this weekend. I needed grocery money out of it (hell my house payment was made, right??), and gas money and and and. The next thing I know my daughter just hands me $120 to do the shopping that I wanted to do the night before.
I cried. This meant a lot.
She has been wanting to get contacts and had been saving her money, but can't go down unless I am with her seeing as she is not 18 yet. Earlier that morning when I was busy taking care of things around the house that didn't require money, and in my stressed out about money moment, kinda yelled at her and told her I DIDN'T want to go to any appt- she could wait until she was 18, I HAD THINGS TO DO!!!!
She gave me the money after that, when I thought there would be no hope for money until after my staycation weekend!
So, I cried. What a selfless act! Especially after I had been so snappy with her!!
God told me two things later in the day, on my way to spend that money. #1. He answered my prayer. It might not have been the multi- million lottery that I was talking about when I was asking him for money that would allow me to be a stay at home mom and swim in my pool when all of my chores were done, BUT none the less, he gave me exactly what I needed "just enough". I was grateful and thanked him.
I -most of the time- think that I am not that great of a mom. My friends and family and whom ever tell me different, but they are not there day to day when I am screaming and yelling (a herited trait) and they are fighting like they hate each other and I keep thinking that when I fell so far from church, so did they....
When she gave me the money I ask how is this possible that she would do this after I got snappy with her....
#2 God told me it was my parenting..... I taught my daughter this by my own actions, that aren't so bad sometimes. That is what I got from him on Friday, the second day of my staycation that made me feel so good...... And I got my accts cleared up on that day and had money for Saturday and even money for after church today.......
Life lessons, they are all around us...... daily... just ask!
12/24/08
It's been a while to journal on this particular post. That's because I haven't been to church since then.
I went on Sunday.
He talked about self worth, or more like self image. Maybe I am getting self esteem mixed up with self image. I will have to work on figuring that out. I think I have more of a self image prob.
I am glad that I went - no matter, but I need to make a habit of it. I wanted to stay home and clean, and it would have been a good time to do that with no kids, but I was a good girl and Im glad! Habit, habit, habit like my life before!!
12/28/08- Im pretty sure anyway. It is Sunday.
Well the sermon was interesting today, in the fact that I knew what he was talking about, but honestly I am not sure if he made a point.
He kinda (by my notes anyway) started out about how Israel fell away from God after Joshua died ( in Judges) and started worshiping idols n stuff and their relationship with him was just medeocre.
That was really kind of interesting to me because I kinda liken my life to the Israelites, in the fact that I had this life changing stuff in a church class that I took for a whole semester the year before I turned 40. She talked about how significant 40 was in the Bible. I journaled it once- like the flood, 40 days and 40 nights, like Lent is 40 days, like the Israelites wandered in the desert for 40 years- that kind of stuff.
So, I have 10 years to be 40. I feel like I have wandered in the desert for 40 years (that class was a real turning point in my life, a real lesson that I learned about a lot of things that I still remember to this day), and I was real close to God and then I really fell away the last three years, hard and far and fast!! I now have a lukewarm relationship with God and the funny thing is he used this analogy to describe it in such a GOOD way!!!!......
He was talking about having a girlfriend in highschool and how he had one of those big cars with the full front seat that could fit 3 people. He said like how in the beginning of their relationship how she sat right next to him in the front seat and then after awhile their relationship cooled off a bit and she sat farther and farther away from him. Then, one day she wanted to talk about what happened to them, why they didn't sit next to each other anymore. He said look I am the driver- I HAVE TO SIT HERE, YOU are the one who moved.
And he said that is much like us.
There comes a time when we stop feeling God's presence in our lives. It's not like he isn't there and I freaked out the first time I felt that and then years later realized it happens to all of us sooner or later. Some sooner, some later, some for a longer period of time or more often and we wonder where God is. He pointed out that WE (she in his analogy) moved away from him. He is still exactly where he was before. Interesting. So, he says, instead of asking God "where are you?" we should be asking "what have I done to move away from you?"
That is mostly what I got out of his sermon. How Israel (me) moved away from God.
He also talked some about David's integrity, how Jesus was a carpenter and in James he says to consider it all joy-
like when we are in our trials because it is in our testing period- like school, always being tested. If you fai, you have to retake the test in a different manner or over and over until you pass it. Some of us are stuck in the same class for years and years. We are all at a different learning level.
- we are being tested and we should look at it as working toward a promotion and how James understood that.
A little jumpy if you ask me, but it did pertain to me and how I think. It will give me some things to ponder for the week that's for sure.
01/30/2009
Went to church, Spring of Life, a couple of weeks ago- three actually- with Jen and Corey, they even put Elli in class and she didn't even cry!! Ben, Chris, Bess, Erin and her two little ones came too! It was kinda cool. A small church. I think I will try and go with them every other weekend.
This weekend I have Adi and Aaron and we are going to try Grace Community. That is one of the schools that they might be going to. So, I thought that we would check out the church!!
I missed it two weeks ago because I had Emma and Emma WON'T go to a class (her parents taught that to her from the first time I wanted to take her to church) and there is NO WAY I would bring her in to service! NO WAY!! I really wanted to go too! I couldn't get ahold of Jeffrey.
I think I'm going to have to set some "babysitting" limits with her parents!
Hopefully church will be good and we will have found a new "home" even if we do go to Spring of Life every other weekend.
AND....
Is it wrong to say a small prayer for the Cardinals to win the Superbowl??
04/08/09 (I think, it's Thursday)
Didn[t pre-read where I left off except that I was talking about Spring of Life. Well, we have started to go to Bethany Community. Aaron and Carol are going to put the kids in Christian school. I think both anyway. Adison for sure. I started at Grace Community- I went once. I didn'c care for the sermon. It was a racial theme- the pastor was not white- and it really seemed irrelevent to what the title of the message was. I couldn't place them together and it angered me for several days afterward- Like we were all racists or prejudice. I kept thinking that back then "race" was not necessarily the color of the skin (they were all brown- middle eastern), "race" to me meant the area you came from, your religion (being a jew- a non jew would be out of your race). He said there were other prejudice things and he didn't mean just color- but he talked about that in one paragraph- being old, fat, rich or poor. ONE paragraph- but he wasn't just talking about the color of one's skin for an hour and 1/2. It kinda rubbed me the wrong way.
I like Bethany so far. I would have kept going to Grace in spite of his lousy sermon, everyone has a point that they are trying to get across- it just seemed to me his was personal and he was making it public- BUT, Adi shadowed at Bethany and when I found out that they too had a church attached to the school and went, I discovered that they had so much to offer. Aaron goes every Wednesday night as well as Adi. I take a Crown Financial class that night (6 weeks into a 10 weekseries), there is a very active singles class. They just don't meet on Sundays only and it doesn't feel like a meat market. They go to lunch after church, they go to dinner a night or two a month, they have adult activities as well as kid activities. So far I like it.
We are once again active every Sunday and I have even been going when it is not my weekends with the kids! I think for Easter tho. I would like to go to WOG (I know the name has changed, but it will always be WOG to me, I think)
The sermons are not Gary Kinniman and the music is not the Gathering band (I love it hardcore- well hard core for church anyways), but like Gary always said- we are a consumer driven society and with everything else Bethany has to offer me and my family.... I think we'll stay awhile.
I still go to WOG. I love it there. They are really just in a huge transition right now. We'll see how things go. I just picked Bethany because that is what Adi decided to choose for school and maybe, just maybe she will make some friends now and over the summer so that she will have friends when she starts school in the fall.
Thats all folks..... for now. I will be running late for work if I don't get a move on!!1
"re:direct" re: the art of starting over based on Joshua ch1&3
Went to church yesterday. There was this one time, a long time ago, when I was going to church regularly for the first time ever in my life. My husband didn't like it. He thought I was doing it on purpose to get time away from him. Ya, well you know, if the shoe fits....
I remember going thru my divorce. I had just got baptized not too long before and was so very unsure- being this new Catholic and all, if I was supposed to get a divorce, you know? I was confused. You are supposed to be married only once. But, what about this? and what about that? I wasn't getting physically abused, but there were other damaging emotional issues that I was going thru with him and so much of the time I wished I were physically getting beat so that I would at least have something to show for the pain he was putting me thru. Kind of like how "cutters" cut to ease the emotional pain that they are in because it is so unbearable.
So, did I have reason for divorce in God's eyes? or was this going to be a terrible sin as a newly baptized Catholic girl/wife/mother?
I was on the phone talking and crying with my bestest friend and time and again before that I would tell her that I swear God is talking directly to me thru the Priest!! I would have a problem and lo and behold the sermon would be about just that.... now not every single Sunday mind you, but those "pivotal moments" of complete crisis and confusion in my life!! I would ponder something and be concerned and confused for days n days, weeks, or months and then Wa!La! just like that a sermon on my problem.
So, after yaking with her on the phone she decided to come to church with me for emotional support.
It was about the escape of Israel out of the bonds of Egypt!! About how yes they should leave and not look back and about how yes it is going to be painful and hard and you must not look back but go forth...... that was the sermon. I cried. She cried. She said that "I guess you got your answer". It was like I was talking to God that morning on the phone and she heard it too.
I will always remember that as being this HUGE pivotal moment in my life.
I had one of those yesterday at church, again. So much so that I had to call my bestest girlfriend and tell her because the whole time I was sitting there in church- years and years later, in a Protestant church, wondering about another relationship I was thinking of that pivotal moment in my life.
Here, for 3 years now I have been confused. I was living differently for the past three years than I ever had before (bad), living with a boyfriend, drinking way too much- WAY TOO MUCH all the time, and stopped going to church.
Like, I went from finding this church with husband #2 10 years ago. Going to church every Sunday and even volunteered Sunday school. Then we divorced and the church stepped in. They gave me counseling and I took solace and comfort in my newly discovered faith- which one shouldn't confuse with "getting baptized" or just "going to church" as faith.
My kids and I went every single Sunday for both services. The first one I was in Sunday school class and they were in service and the second they were volunteering and I was in church. It worked out great!
They liked it, I liked it. If we didn't go to church for whatever reason they would freak out come Monday morning and tell me that "it can't be Monday we didn't go to church yet"
Then.... the boyfriend moved in- and I'm scared of marriage, so my thought pattern changed and I didn't think it so bad "living with someone" as opposed to going thru another divorce.
Now, I think I realize- don't know if I've been beaten enough yet on this one- that there is a reason that God wants marriage as opposed to living with someone. It's just a realization mind you, a little fleeting knowledge that creeps up here and there. I won't attempt to "get churchy" and explain. This knowledge is for my personal benefit, for my personal situation and no one has walked in my shoes and I've not walked in theirs.
But, I kinda knew it was wrong for me. I had guilt. I lost sleep over it. I prayed about it (in my own way, please Father, forgive me for this, but I am going to keep doing it and I just want you to overlook it and make it okay- because I believe in you and I love you and I know that you love me and you can make anything right and perfect).
Yea those were my prayers as I lived with a man that I barely knew and started drinking myself into oblivion and quit going to church almost completely.
He was willing to go to church- he even got baptized. It's just with all that hard partying on Saturday night and not going to bed until all hours and having the worst hangover, EVER time and again, I was just not feeling good enough to go. Then missing one or two times turned in to quitting Sunday school because I was "living in sin" and I knew being part of the church "body" that this was unacceptable in the position that I was in and gave me another excuse to miss yet more days without having the guilt, because now I just wasn't allowed to volunteer in that particular position.
So, here it is September, three years later. I have gone to church twice this year (not including yesterday). Once was to check out the new pastor. I didn't like him. Used that for an excuse not to go. Another was when Kurt Warner, the Arizona Cardinals quarterback, came and did a sermon. Those were the only two times.
I have had a bad year with all the stuff, mom stuff, kid stuff and then (ex)boyfriend stuff. I heard the calling- again- and thought I really do need to go back. Just before the (ex)boyfriend and I split up in the very beginning of summer I was able to go back to church and do the "Sunday school" thing again.
A few times I had inquired here and there to make sure the policy hadn't changed, mostly to alleviate my guilt and try and make myself have a commitment that would make me go to church regularly again.
Then the church structure changed. A lot of things changed at our church and I inquired again and then on one of the times that I actually went to service, I ran into my old supervisor and she told me she had been praying about it and had brought it up to... someone... and that they were going to make an exception.
I felt good, privileged- on my way back to church again. Started going and doing it- . Then the frying pan and my boyfriend was cheating and I knew when she said she had been praying and I knew when they let me come back that God had ulterior motives for my life. HE is just not going to bend the rules because I am his spoiled and privileged little precious daughter. Ooooohhhhh Noooooo........ HE HAD A PLAN. Uh huh, the frying pan!!
And I had this calling, again. I printed up local Christian churches in my area and had planned to attend one or more of them until I found just the right one, or talk with some of the people that left our church when things changed so drastically, to see where they went. But, I hate change. I am not good with it and I got an email from the pastor (generated church wide) and in his email he talked about change- not only change in our church, but change in our personal life. Now remember, I don't like change.
I thought uh-oh I have to go to church. I really haven't given the new pastor a fair chance. I am glad that I went. The sermon was good. God had a really good talk with me. Now I have to figure some things out without getting hit with the frying pan.
for you have not passed this way before... as in it may seem like I am going thru the same ol' same ol' with the cheating men and with being alone AGAIN, but he says this time around I am a different person going thru what appears to be the same thing with a different person.
He wants me to have faith, courage, commitment to "cross over the threshold", crossing the threshold is a part of moving forward. He wants to teach me the benefits of embracing change.
The entrance into a new opportunity; not to stay or go, but to obey or not (frying pan). He specifically spoke to me about... 1)being in an unhealthy relationship 2) my church involvement and 3) my abuse of alcohol. Those were specifically mentioned by the pastor.
Of course they were!
The entrance into a new way of doing things; stripped of my comfortability and my security to strengthen my dependence on him. Embrace a new way of following him. Some things we make permanent what God intended to be temporary. The pastor thinks we need to put an expiration date on things. That is something to ponder. On what I wonder? Exactly, in my life....
The entrance into a new beginning always begins with new commitments.
Crossing over thresholds means crossing that boundary of security and comfortableness.
What thresholds have I crossed over in my life?? From as far back as I can remember??
One thing that I know for sure, like FOR SURE FOR SURE is that I need to be comfortable and embrace being single and to think with all of my heart and soul that I would rather be alone than be in a relationship not of God. I have to get that thru my thick skull or nothing will change in my relationships with men. They will always appear to be the same thing over and over again. The drugs or the cheaters......
That is for sure a threshold as far as "relationships" go with me. I must commit to keep my drinking under absolute control or quit. Simple as that. I have known this for sometime, but just never wanted to do anything about it. And I must I must i know for sure get back on track with church- even if it does mean finding a new one, which I hope not.
Now getting my bigger kids to go and be committed after I f'd it all up will be quite the task if at all possible!! Thresholds, smesholds.
And then.... just some other random stuff to ponder on later, to fix, to improve, to rewrite......
But, mostly my whole life God has been a calling of some sorts, for years and years
I kept getting this crazy feeling, or thought or something about how I needed to go to church. I would have it for like months and months and then it would go away. And then it would come back and go away- for years this happened to me. My step mom and I used to always talk about going to church. She wanted to go to. The only church I ever knew was Catholic and she wanted to go and be one too. She never did.
Then one time I read that, if we are not careful God stops calling our name. If we ignore him long enough..... there is a possibility that he will just quit calling us. That scared me.
I think that is when I started going to St Bridget's. I knew some women from the twins club that went to that church. One of them ended up to be my Godmother. I don't even know her anymore. Carol Sullivan. I think of her often. The last time I seen her was at Word of Grace. She was going thru a divorce- he had cheated on her and left her for a younger woman, she had "the perverbial rug" pulled out from underneath her and a friend had brought her to church.
I was insensitive- she had a broken heart- I hadn't had one yet. We talked and she asked how I was and (even tho I wasn't and my marriage wasn't) I lied and said that life was great! and my marriage was great! Mostly, I didn't think she would want to hear that things were bad for me too. Now I know I hurt her and I know I invoked anger in her with my words. I went thru it shortly after that! AND then and ONLY THEN did I realize that I had hurt her. That was the last time I saw her. I think of her often. I pray for her often. I would like to be her friend again.
So then,......
You go to church and take a class here and there and inevitably you hear people's stories about "becoming Christian" this "pivotal moment" in their lives and just like getting hit with a frying pan they "got it", most after years and years of going. Ah the testimonials. They really are terrific and bring tears to the eyes, but I NEVER had that.
There was just something, always something there. I have always my whole entire life believed in God. For the majority of my life until I was... I don't know, maybe in my 20's even, I thought, literally every one in the whole wide world just knew there was a God and believed in him. I truly thought this. Even if they didn't act like it- for I didn't "act" like it. I just knew always that he was there.
So, I never got to have a "pivotal moment", my life is more like a series of pivotal moments, learning lessons, because I too have to be hit over the head with a frying pan- more than once or twice! God literally has to beat me 1/2 to death and then I go... "are you talking to me???- cuz I really thought you were talking about him or her, or them, but not me- I'm not like that, I don't do that, I don't think that, I wouldn't be like that" and come to find out "Oh Yes You Are" after I am reeling from the 3rd or 4th blow with the frying pan, why yes I am just like that aren't I? Or, I am supposed to do that, aren't I? I am supposed to be like that, aren't I?
So, I never really had a story a "testimony" to share..... until I was like 40
I was a single mom and this was my 40th birthday coming up. I was laying in bed and thinking I do want something for my birthday, I DO! But. it's not like I can say "hey kids"- they don't have money. So, where else did I have to go but to my Father. So, I was talking to him and said. It's my 40th birthday. What I'd really like is a car. I really need a car. I know that money isn't an object for you and speaking of money, a little extra money would be great! Oh! and a boyfriend for I am lonely. I know that you can do all these things. I may not deserve them, but you could provide them. Not, that Im expecting anything at all. I don't know if I even deserve these things, but it says that I can ask for anything and so..... I am. And I did, with the heart and mind of a child. Just me giving Dad my big Christmas list so to speak.
On my 40th birthday party I even announced it that I made my request. A couple of months later I was told by my ex-husband that I had to refinance our house and take his name off of it. So, I did. In the process I ended up with money enough to buy me a car and I had money left over and by December I had a boyfriend.
May not have been the perfect of perfects, but all of my requests were granted. That is my very first testamony!
10/03/08- I think. T.G.I.F
I haven't been to church in two weeks. Well, I went last week for the two year old class. I was going to stay for second service, but found out there was no second service anymore. Crazy how much church has changed! I wonder what our attendance is?? We went from four services to two when the pastor semi- retired!
I even thought about changing churches, but na.
Our church started a fast this week. No alcohol, no caffine, no meat and no deserts. Well....... I think the first mess up was right after Tommy's funeral I ate a sandwich- with deli meat. I didn't care, I was being reblious. Then I was craving a soda. Nothing goes better with a sandwich and chips than a soda. BUT, I held strong thru that one... ya it was hard. So I get back to the office and co worker offers me a nice cold diet coke. Im glad the strong craving is gone or that would have been all she wrote!! I declined.
Then a couple of hours later, I get that weird chest pain again. BAD. I hate that, feel like Im gonna have a heart attack! It was probably the anxiety from not having the soda!! I drink the soda (it is like gas pains in my chest and YES believe it or not carbination works). And it comes back later that night at home and I have no soda, but I have a beer. So I had ONE beer. ONE.
So, really REALLY screwed up that day!!
Yesterday I had an appt with my son and we went to Jack N the Box for breakfast after. I ate meat again. I really didnt think about it when I was ordering. I was thinking of leaving off the sauce and the cheese and how much better it tastes with the sauce and the cheese, BUT I remembered no caffine. So I didnt' order the soda (again) that I wanted. And last night with the migrane at home I drank four beers.
Tonight is a wedding too! Sunday is a babyshower (yes, we drink at baby showers, birthdays- even if its a kids, weddings, bar b q's, holiday's, Friday nights, Saturday nights, football season ect..... WE DO THAT around here). I'm wondering how Im going to hold out. Hmmmm......
Well, I did change my rountine a bit and that is making me feel good. I have time slots in the morning so that I am not lost on the computer for two hours. Yoga is at 5:15, just like a class. Shower is no later than 6:am which is right now so I have to go. Wake the kids up at 6:15. Clean/ and breakfast until 7 and be ready by 7:30!!!
So far everything going good but the be ready by 7:30. That only happend yesterday AND then I had the appt with my son and had to sit around for 30 min. before we left.
Ahhh.... such is life.....
10/12/08
Didn't make it to church last weekend. Had a terrible hangover. TERRIBLE!! I wanted to go so bad too. Today is a Sunday school day so no service for me.
I started off my "staycation"- as so dubbed by a co-worker for those of us who use vacation time and stay at home.
My staycation started off terrible. At first I had money. Lots of money if I were to so choose. Then all went haywire the eve of the beginning of my staycation, at the store no less, with three of my kids. At the check out I tried one card.... should have had $160 on it (lots of money to me). Now on this one (as I had the kids with me) I could have over spent. I was thinking, at the time, that I had $200 on it so.... but not to worry I have my main acct card with me too. $300 in savings and $300 in checking. I KNOW this because I just transferred money from savings to checking to be able to pay my house payment. I had some house payment money in my wallet also in the form of child support and a monthy expense check from work- and the rest coming in my next direct depsoit the day after the beginning of my staycation. Soo I felt RICH!!!
That card didn't work either. Its a small bank so no one was able to help me at that time of night (maybe 7:30). Soooo off to the bank we go while the groceries all bagged wait for us in the cart. Talk about embarrassing!! I have NEVER had that happen before!
My checking acct bal.? ZERO!! My savings acct bal.? ZERO!! WTF??!!
Well being diligent and not wanting to forget to make my house payment I had gone on line earlier in the week and made a payment to be taken out the Monday after my staycation. And YES, you guessed it....... BUT NOOOO, they took it out that day. Earlier in the day, that day of the beginning of my staycation. So, I have NO MONEY now. NONE.
I will worry about it tomorrow, I think. I still have money in my wallet to cash. Well come to find out the next day, a personal, out of state check is VERY hard to cash- impossible. My main acct was farther in the hole than what I had in my wallet because of the mortgage company, so I still had no money.
I stood in the kitchen that morning crying to God. I want money. I am so tired of being poor and so tired of this and of that and what was I going to do this weekend. I needed grocery money out of it (hell my house payment was made, right??), and gas money and and and. The next thing I know my daughter just hands me $120 to do the shopping that I wanted to do the night before.
I cried. This meant a lot.
She has been wanting to get contacts and had been saving her money, but can't go down unless I am with her seeing as she is not 18 yet. Earlier that morning when I was busy taking care of things around the house that didn't require money, and in my stressed out about money moment, kinda yelled at her and told her I DIDN'T want to go to any appt- she could wait until she was 18, I HAD THINGS TO DO!!!!
She gave me the money after that, when I thought there would be no hope for money until after my staycation weekend!
So, I cried. What a selfless act! Especially after I had been so snappy with her!!
God told me two things later in the day, on my way to spend that money. #1. He answered my prayer. It might not have been the multi- million lottery that I was talking about when I was asking him for money that would allow me to be a stay at home mom and swim in my pool when all of my chores were done, BUT none the less, he gave me exactly what I needed "just enough". I was grateful and thanked him.
I -most of the time- think that I am not that great of a mom. My friends and family and whom ever tell me different, but they are not there day to day when I am screaming and yelling (a herited trait) and they are fighting like they hate each other and I keep thinking that when I fell so far from church, so did they....
When she gave me the money I ask how is this possible that she would do this after I got snappy with her....
#2 God told me it was my parenting..... I taught my daughter this by my own actions, that aren't so bad sometimes. That is what I got from him on Friday, the second day of my staycation that made me feel so good...... And I got my accts cleared up on that day and had money for Saturday and even money for after church today.......
Life lessons, they are all around us...... daily... just ask!
12/24/08
It's been a while to journal on this particular post. That's because I haven't been to church since then.
I went on Sunday.
He talked about self worth, or more like self image. Maybe I am getting self esteem mixed up with self image. I will have to work on figuring that out. I think I have more of a self image prob.
I am glad that I went - no matter, but I need to make a habit of it. I wanted to stay home and clean, and it would have been a good time to do that with no kids, but I was a good girl and Im glad! Habit, habit, habit like my life before!!
12/28/08- Im pretty sure anyway. It is Sunday.
Well the sermon was interesting today, in the fact that I knew what he was talking about, but honestly I am not sure if he made a point.
He kinda (by my notes anyway) started out about how Israel fell away from God after Joshua died ( in Judges) and started worshiping idols n stuff and their relationship with him was just medeocre.
That was really kind of interesting to me because I kinda liken my life to the Israelites, in the fact that I had this life changing stuff in a church class that I took for a whole semester the year before I turned 40. She talked about how significant 40 was in the Bible. I journaled it once- like the flood, 40 days and 40 nights, like Lent is 40 days, like the Israelites wandered in the desert for 40 years- that kind of stuff.
So, I have 10 years to be 40. I feel like I have wandered in the desert for 40 years (that class was a real turning point in my life, a real lesson that I learned about a lot of things that I still remember to this day), and I was real close to God and then I really fell away the last three years, hard and far and fast!! I now have a lukewarm relationship with God and the funny thing is he used this analogy to describe it in such a GOOD way!!!!......
He was talking about having a girlfriend in highschool and how he had one of those big cars with the full front seat that could fit 3 people. He said like how in the beginning of their relationship how she sat right next to him in the front seat and then after awhile their relationship cooled off a bit and she sat farther and farther away from him. Then, one day she wanted to talk about what happened to them, why they didn't sit next to each other anymore. He said look I am the driver- I HAVE TO SIT HERE, YOU are the one who moved.
And he said that is much like us.
There comes a time when we stop feeling God's presence in our lives. It's not like he isn't there and I freaked out the first time I felt that and then years later realized it happens to all of us sooner or later. Some sooner, some later, some for a longer period of time or more often and we wonder where God is. He pointed out that WE (she in his analogy) moved away from him. He is still exactly where he was before. Interesting. So, he says, instead of asking God "where are you?" we should be asking "what have I done to move away from you?"
That is mostly what I got out of his sermon. How Israel (me) moved away from God.
He also talked some about David's integrity, how Jesus was a carpenter and in James he says to consider it all joy-
like when we are in our trials because it is in our testing period- like school, always being tested. If you fai, you have to retake the test in a different manner or over and over until you pass it. Some of us are stuck in the same class for years and years. We are all at a different learning level.
- we are being tested and we should look at it as working toward a promotion and how James understood that.
A little jumpy if you ask me, but it did pertain to me and how I think. It will give me some things to ponder for the week that's for sure.
01/30/2009
Went to church, Spring of Life, a couple of weeks ago- three actually- with Jen and Corey, they even put Elli in class and she didn't even cry!! Ben, Chris, Bess, Erin and her two little ones came too! It was kinda cool. A small church. I think I will try and go with them every other weekend.
This weekend I have Adi and Aaron and we are going to try Grace Community. That is one of the schools that they might be going to. So, I thought that we would check out the church!!
I missed it two weeks ago because I had Emma and Emma WON'T go to a class (her parents taught that to her from the first time I wanted to take her to church) and there is NO WAY I would bring her in to service! NO WAY!! I really wanted to go too! I couldn't get ahold of Jeffrey.
I think I'm going to have to set some "babysitting" limits with her parents!
Hopefully church will be good and we will have found a new "home" even if we do go to Spring of Life every other weekend.
AND....
Is it wrong to say a small prayer for the Cardinals to win the Superbowl??
04/08/09 (I think, it's Thursday)
Didn[t pre-read where I left off except that I was talking about Spring of Life. Well, we have started to go to Bethany Community. Aaron and Carol are going to put the kids in Christian school. I think both anyway. Adison for sure. I started at Grace Community- I went once. I didn'c care for the sermon. It was a racial theme- the pastor was not white- and it really seemed irrelevent to what the title of the message was. I couldn't place them together and it angered me for several days afterward- Like we were all racists or prejudice. I kept thinking that back then "race" was not necessarily the color of the skin (they were all brown- middle eastern), "race" to me meant the area you came from, your religion (being a jew- a non jew would be out of your race). He said there were other prejudice things and he didn't mean just color- but he talked about that in one paragraph- being old, fat, rich or poor. ONE paragraph- but he wasn't just talking about the color of one's skin for an hour and 1/2. It kinda rubbed me the wrong way.
I like Bethany so far. I would have kept going to Grace in spite of his lousy sermon, everyone has a point that they are trying to get across- it just seemed to me his was personal and he was making it public- BUT, Adi shadowed at Bethany and when I found out that they too had a church attached to the school and went, I discovered that they had so much to offer. Aaron goes every Wednesday night as well as Adi. I take a Crown Financial class that night (6 weeks into a 10 weekseries), there is a very active singles class. They just don't meet on Sundays only and it doesn't feel like a meat market. They go to lunch after church, they go to dinner a night or two a month, they have adult activities as well as kid activities. So far I like it.
We are once again active every Sunday and I have even been going when it is not my weekends with the kids! I think for Easter tho. I would like to go to WOG (I know the name has changed, but it will always be WOG to me, I think)
The sermons are not Gary Kinniman and the music is not the Gathering band (I love it hardcore- well hard core for church anyways), but like Gary always said- we are a consumer driven society and with everything else Bethany has to offer me and my family.... I think we'll stay awhile.
I still go to WOG. I love it there. They are really just in a huge transition right now. We'll see how things go. I just picked Bethany because that is what Adi decided to choose for school and maybe, just maybe she will make some friends now and over the summer so that she will have friends when she starts school in the fall.
Thats all folks..... for now. I will be running late for work if I don't get a move on!!1
Saturday, September 6, 2008
justagirl
9/6/08
I have a secret. I seen him last night. I wanted to last weekend and a friend "rescued" me in the nic of time and I went over to her house instead. I only told one person that I was on my way to see him.
Then yesterday I knew I was going to. I tried to fight it and I don't know why I had such the urge. I have had a down couple of days and I have so much blame on him. I wanted to cry with him since it is his fault and I wanted him to comfort me.
He did. I spent the night. I don't regret it today and I don't really know what is going on in my head or my heart with this.
It was like the old days on my dads front porch. The old guy. The one I fell in love with. Oxymoronic. Beautifully scary. Painfully comfortable. Good. Bad. Right. Wrong. Positive. Negative.
I have to make sure that I am careful. He has things to prove. I have faith, but I don't believe him. I hear his words and I love them, but I don't believe them.
Next time..... I watched the fights with him at his brother's house. We sat on the couch together it was sadly comfortable. I don't know if this is good for me or not. Probably not. I told him it would be awhile before I saw him again. There is no reason to during the week. We are not dating. I have my kids next weekend and would prefer that the whole entire clan didn't know anything just yet. He has wounds to heal with other's as well.
Out of six kids. I have three that think it is my business (two are way under age to even understand what the hell happened except that we broke up and he moved out) and I have three that would pretty much chastise me for even texting him regularly.... not two mention my two best est friends. He fucked up way bad this time. Ya this time like in more than once. Ugly, I know. Stupid, I KNOW. Forgiving??? Optimistic??? Hopeful??? Naive???..... ugh!! the saga continues..... as I am justagirl
9/9/08
What the F is wrong with me???!!! I sent him a dear john letter today- email. I have my suspicions that he is emailing an old girlfriend- Rachael to be exact. I should have no part of this... (i miss the little things, like you laying your head in my lap) what was I thinking?
I was thinking... that if he was starting to email her (I know what you are thinking, you are thinking that I am out running around and seeing all these girls and I'm not) and he knew that there was this possibility of a chance because he (loves me so much and misses me so much) that he would stop dead in his tracks and realize how much he really does love me and miss me and that he f'd up so badly that he has so much to do to (win me back and I know that I hurt other people as well) that he can't even think of another girl.
I was thinking.... that I am so very lonely that this is painful and he is comfortable and we could be friends until I thought something might be going on with someone else- even if it is just an "innocent" email or text. I don't believe in innocent and it sure as fuck didn't take me long to think something now did it???
When we were together and I thought something I didn't want it to be true and it was anyway. What makes me think things would be any different now when we are not even together???
I hate this. Now I feel lonely again and I didn't for that.... two days.... and I maybe feel that I want to take back the email... but I can't he's not good for me... like an addiction.... but I don't like to feel lonely and I can stop the feeling...... with just a text..... I do love him. I LOVE HIM. But I didn't do this to us HE DID (I took you for granted and I'm the one that pushed you away and for that I am sorry).....
He's sorry.... He's emailing someone else..... He will prove it to me... but he's emailing someone else...... (I think). I think that I know....
Maybe he has done so much damage that I can't be with him because I would be this crazy fool always wondering- NO THANK YOU VERY MUCH SAYS MY STOMACH, MY HEAD, I just couldn't take that. My heart says NO his is serious this time, really...... I can't take the pain....
9/10/08
So much for "shut 'er down mikey".... he called after the email... I heard his voice, I cracked. I'm weak. I'M WEAK I TELL YOU!!! WEAK!!!! wtf??!!
I want to believe him..... there's damage.....
Here we go...... again.....
9/15/08
I'm not sure about how this is going. My oldest daughter and middle son aren't talking to me. My oldest son is cordial, but talks shit about him behind his back. My middle daughter thinks it is no one else's business and the other two are just young. We hung out a bit this weekend. He came over and fixed a ceiling fan and spent the night and then we hung out some to watch football.
I want to believe him with all my heart, but there just may be too much damage and I can't take this with my family. They are hurting my feelings, BAD. I am the mother after all, not too bad of one, but not the child- this is MY life..... No??
10/14/08
The middle of the month.
I sent him another email this morning- kinda, sorta lining out my intentions.... that some day there will be no more texting or emailing. I don't know why I keep hanging on a little here and a little there.
I seen him again this weekend. It all felt like it was innocent enough. I had coupons for cigarettes. I told them about them a week or so ago.
To be honest, I really don't think I want to see him anymore. It is uncomfortable. And I think he thinks things.
Everytime we have gotten together (twice I think, actually), I have had something totally different in mind than what really happened.
I didn't want to see him when T came over with him. I was tired. I didn't want to drink. I didn't want company and I didn't stick up for myself as strongly as I should have.
I think, secretly, I wanted to see him. Just see him. But then she played cupid and I was mad at myself and mad at her.
I did have things to say to him, but I think..... when I went over and hung out with him that first night.... Im not sure what took place.
My intentions: were to go over cry at him, yell at him and just GET IT ALL OUT. I mean after all he is the one who hurt me and I needed him to know- like he didn't already know.
It went well. I didn't really get it all out, but the scenerio was happening as planned. He held me like I wanted and I cried a lot. Then when I should have went home (fateful error) I didn't. He took that as me wanting sex I think. I didn't. We did anyway. I mean it wasnt like I said "NO". He assumed and I let it happen.
I thought I would regret it the next day more than I did. I kinda didn't.- Oh and I guess it's been three times now that I've seen him.
He came over to fix something for me..... ahhh the ceiling fan. It's not like I didn't have the boys try, I did. It was just way more complicated for me and two stoned teenagers could manage!
Some of the kids were so upset with me that it pissed me off and I rebelled and he spent the night and the majority of the next day.
I sent him a "dear John letter" by email...... Then I (why oh why AGAIN do I do this to myself and why do I think this way??- F!N! STUPID OF ME!!!) I (as in ME, MYSELF) felt bad for doing it in away and made sure that HE didn't feel bad by texting a little and then it got to be more and more....."..... but a little wouldn't do it so a little got more and more...." (GNR you know).
Am I stupid?? So..... I had these coupons. I invited him to have pizza with me and the younger ones after church. It was okay. I had planned on taking him home from the pizza place.... was just going to give the coupons, eat, hang out and then take him home... I had things to do.
But, NO.... I invited him over. WHY? Not sure really. He did fix the flag pole for me ( love flags and used to hang those cutesy girlie ones for every change of the season and holiday- then it broke... while he lived here... I was even given one for Mother's Day... while he lived here....).
He also strung the weed eater, but it didn't last long and when I'd eaten 5 feet the string wouldn't come out anymore.....
So, we hung out and drank beer and I went to bed and proceeded to pass out, he came and I left the door open and the kids were in and out. I think he fell asleep for a bit and then he went home.
I wasn't looking for sex. I didn't want sex from him the last two times. SO WHY DO I KEEP DOING THIS???
I told him (in an email- Im a fucking coward, I KNOW) that this "healing" is going to take a long time. That it is only prolonging it by texting him and emailing him..... and that eventually it is all going to have to stop.... that is pretty much what I said.......
WTF is wrong with me to keep dragging this out so long. I know what is going to happen. The lonliness is going to set in and it is going to bring some hurt with it, AND HE WAS WRONG not me and he will find the girlfriend before I am ready to date and HE WILL HAVE SOMEONE AND I WON'T and that will hurt too and if not then I will feel guilty for having someone and he doesn't (not that THAT will happen).
I should have let sleeping dogs lie, when they were sleeping..... AND SUCKED IT UP like a big girl!
12/7/08
Ooops! I did it again. (Britany who?)- all these songs just keep coming to my mnd.
I really have to STOP texting! REALLY! I text and it seems innocent enough and then alcohol and an urge and then I control the urge BUT it is now in his head. A little email, a little suggestion. I say I think its not a good idea..... He invites me to his Christmas party..... I have mixed feelings.... I don't want to go, but I do want to go. Im not sure why I DON'T want to go and Im not sure why I DO want to go either..... no time to really ponder.....
Actually the night before I had only the younger kids who like him. I even called the big kids to make sure they had plans, like Im having an affair!!! He came over and ended up spending the nite. No sex.
Then he goes home. Then I go to the party. Then Im uncomfortable n he is trashed (happy trashed) and I have two beers and we leave. I feel bad that we are leaving he seems to be having fun. But he leaves with me anyway...... and we have sex.
12/09/08
The whole time I'm on my way to the party I am thinking that this is a mistake. But I continue on feeling already committed. He was drunk, happy drunk, not embarrassing- I guess they were all embarrassing so he fit in. On the way home it felt like it used too, so maybe it wasn't totally his actions, perse, at that particular moment as it was the whole deluge of memories that it was bringing back.
How he is (or at least used to be) drunk all the time and loud and embarrassing, so I didn't really give him a chance- NO not that he deserves any kind of chance, but I am the one that agreed to hang out with him for the party. I just couldn't put on the party face once I got there.
He is loud in the store in his happy drunk way with the F bomb dropping loud and clear with a few others. We get home and I certainly DON'T want to have sex with this drunk person, but I know he's been waiting and he looks at me with such pain in his eyes expecting the "no" and I just can't say know. We do and it's good as usual (and the Self Esteem song by Offspring pops into my head- not in the middle or anything, but just right now).
Then when he is gone the next day I am so very lonely for him that I just almost can't take it. I cry, I drink, I wonder WTF!
I want so bad to believe his words and for him to be back in my life again. I didn't think that I would ever be single again. I KNEW that he loved me and adored me and I wanted that and I loved him and here I am back on rocky ground again. Shoulda woulda coulda's. Go thru my head for every aspect of my life right now. I feel.... defeated sometimes.
I kinda know WTF actually. I thought about it and thought about it yesterday. I love being adored- he adores me with his words and his immediate actions when he is next to me. BUT you know- it seems to me that he always adored me with his words so I have to be careful with that. His words don't mean anything........
He swears he's changed, but I don't' see the change so I can't believe him. Im really not even 100% sure that he is not seeing other people from time to time even tho he swears that he is not.
It has been 6 months now. I think I should see a change. I really want to see a change, but I really don't see any change at all except the fact that there is a possibility that he is keeping his dick in his pants..... and if that is really the case, then why didn't he protest when I asked him to use a condom??? He wouldn't have needed one. He could have said so. "Look baby that really isn't necessary" he didn't.
12/24/08
This is mostly the "dating experience and the ex-boyfriend area". Im not dating right now. Im not in the mood (go figure!! I MUST be growing up!) and I don't have time. As for the "ex-boyfriend" I should really REALLY be over him before I am even thinking of dating!
I am, kinda sorta, mostly. I mean I don't want to be with him. I so want to believe his words, but I am treating this as a domestic violence kind of realationship in that- usually in those relationships he hits her, says he's sorry, he won't do it again, he does it again, and she leaves BUT this time he REALLY IS VERY SORRY AND REALLY WON'T EVER DO IT AGAIN- HE HAS LEARNED THIS TIME. But, I think there is a pattern in relationships like that.
Inlcuding mine. He had the internet moment- it didn't mean anything, he didn't realize it was wrong even tho- he lied and he hid it. If he didn't think it was wrong, why would you have to do that in the first place, it would be open for all to see then more of a "deer in the headlights look"- huh? you mean Im not supposed to talk to other girls on the internet. Really I didn't know, it was innocent, I mean look, it's out there in the open for all to see..... kind of thing, but that wasn't the way it happened. This was private chat rooms and shutting those down whenever my daughter walked by and then lying to me and then lying about the phone calls til I got the bill- like what??? I don't look at my bill?? But it was innocent you know....
Then there was "Tanya" which was a huge sexual thing, but I forgave him because of the tragedy of Corey. I kinda "thought" I knew what was going on in his head. The grief, the saddness, the need to take care of what was Corey's. She was coming on very strong and I think she wanted him to take Corey's place...... I think HE wanted to take Cory's place. We should have NEVER got back together at that point, EVER.
But, then to have a down right- behind my back kind of affair for a long period of time, with my daughter-in-law no less (who was not ever innocent in any of her relationships and we all knew this and knew what she was doing)......
So, now that he is moved out..... he is really REALLY sorry. This time he really REALLY means it. It won't EVER happen again.
No, I have to say that it won't ever happen again. There will be no chance for it to ever happen again.
I still have greif and we still text and a tiny piece of me (getting smaller and smaller as time goes on) wants to believe this time that I KNOW he has really really changed and would NEVER EVER do it again.
But, I hear his words and I really see no change in his life, so what is there to really REALLY make me think that this time he really, REALLY means it?? NOTHING, really REALLY!!
01/08/09
The last time that he came over and we slept together. I didn't even really want to and Im not sure why. Maybe I know that it is really over and why go thru the motions. I also thought that I would be the one hurting him.
But, that was not the case. I was pretty devistated for two days. I knew that I shouldn't have gone to the party in the first place. I didn't even want him to sleep in my bed.
I also thought I was tototally cool if we slept together. So, then after that I got to thinking about how hard it was going to be when he "found" someone else. More like when I find out that he "found" someone else. It's not like he is going to tell me.
After missing the twins (and a little sister) birthday party- I was invited- I never remember dates. Usually when I don't show up not only do I have him calling me and asking if I am coming, but I have his sister-in-law calling and asking where Im at.
Now, don't get me wrong, this NEEDS to happen and I really couldn't afford another mother fucking birthday in Decemeber, but to be lied to and deceived. Oh??? Is this something new?? Oh?? Am I really surprised?? WTF is wrong with me?? DUH!!
So, when Christmas rolls around Im thinking, hmmm when the fuck was that birthday?? So, Rachel DID go. I think I KNOW this in my heart of hearts.
I think it was confirmed this morning when I got an email from the sister in-law and it was also addressed to Rachel. They weren't even friends before, that I know of. She was over there once before and the sister-in-law was like "Im not even sure why shes here" (again DUH!). So, now all of the sudden they are email buddies.
Like I said it needs to happen, but why does he keep texting me and trying to deny it. Actually his words were "I haven't slept with anyone but you" since the last time he fucked up. But, he also told me.....
He is GREAT for this....... This is his "M-O".....
She is a Mormon, she wouldn't sleep with me (or something along those lines) NOT that he's NOT interested. The same as with Sperry..... I wouldn't fuck her she slept with a nigger. Not that "oh honey, I love you, Im faithful to you, I wouldn't hurt YOU like that" No not that. I knew right then he would sleep with her. He was never that faithful of a "skin" to pass up a young, pretty piece of ass. Oh and the Britanya thing.... "she's cool" "she's just a friend" AGAIN not, look honey, you're the one I love..... Stupid.
It was the same with Amberlie- I wouldn't do that she is Jeffrey's wife.
I DON'T want him. I haven't wanted him for a long time. Not even while we were still living together.
I mean I loved him, for what ever that means.
But, I was tired of supporting him. Tired of cleaning up after him. Tired of asking him to help around the house. Tired of him not fixing things with all his time off.
He is an alcoholic- an honest to goodness- shakes until a first drink- alcoholic.
He has no motivation to get divorced, they have been seperated for something like......10-12 years. She has lived in another state with NO contact with him for..... 6-8 years or more.
He has no motivation to get a better job. He would LITERALLY make more money working at McDonalds than he does right now doing what he is doing.
He has no motivation to get his drivers license. He has no car. He lives with his parents.
And thru all this (as I discovered after the Christmas party thing) that it is really going to hurt when he finally does 'fess up to seeing Rachel, if that is what is going on.
Besides a dyke that swings both ways and her- Im not too sure that there is anyone else that would want to even fuck him. Well, that's what everyone else tells me anyway.
But, if he can find all this ass while we are living together, what makes me think he still can't when he has no ties.....
I think he is stringing me along. uh oh, is this another DUH?? I guess it hurts to not be worth someones effort. ESPECIALLY his. I have this stupid theory.
I don't have much self worth. It has to do with that.
Why am I so attracted to tattoos and certain kinds of guys??
01/30/2009
Well I didn't hear from him texting- we just kinda quit- for a week. We still don't text, but he emailed me yesterday. Hi, how are ya, still need help with the dogs kinda thing.
Good. Nope. You?
Good. busy. moving.
That was it. I feel good about the situation. I'm a little lonely a lot of the time, but I am doing good.
I feel like I am really single. Not ready to date, but a single person. I'm o.k. with that.
04/09/2009 Passover. Put red around the doors to protect your first born.....
Well, I know that I slept with him once this year. I thought it was sometime in Jan, but I guess it had to be Feb. and it had to be after Valentines. We haven't talked since. He helped me move my mothers things from storage. I really did need the help. The first weekend it was me and Ben.
The next weekend it was me and Ben and then Rich came and helped with the couch AND Im not sure if he was there that day or not. I think yes. He came again the following weekend for sure and we got it all done! All of it.
He said that he quit texting because he seen a truck (the work truck that I drove home to move my moms stuff) and thought he would back off. I thought that was quite nice of him.
A couple of weeks later my car broke down and I drove a different work truck home and I kinda giggled at the thought- if he just happend to drive by or have someone else see it there. And then when Lorianne was here she had rented a red Mustang and she was there for a week and then traded it in for a white one.
My dad even stopped by to see who it was. Ha!Ha! We haven't text at all since the last time in Feb. I text him last weekend to see about the grill in my back yard. Im going to give it to my son. Then yesterday when my other son wanted his daughters phone number. But, that is it.
I was doing EXCEPTIONALLY well for a few weeks. Not looking at other guys really, not caring. having my own stuff to do.
Then all of the sudden- a little twinge, a little lonliness, a little checkin things out here and there- flirting....
I believe that I am not ready. I don't know for sure. I feel o.k., good actually. Maybe just a little impatient, aprehensive.
Im not even sure I would know what to do with a man except for sex. I want a real relationship this time. Not one based on sex. But, I don't know how to do that. And what is the difference if it starts out sexual and then goes from there or not??
I mean I was married for 13 years once and it started out as sexual and we would still be married if he wouldn't have been so dam mean and hurtful and angry. If I would have just been a little more worldly maybe, a little tougher....
Then I was married for 7 years (well 5 of them acutally living together married). That was also a sexual relationship, but he was so young I think. Hadn't really sown them wild oates.
But, Im also thinking....
I really don't want another broken heart.
I don't really want to date.
I just want to be in a loving, fun, satisfying, safe, beautiful, faithful, caring, honest, deep, fullfilling, worthwhile relationship! Someone who is comfortable to be around. Someone who enjoys being with me too and doing things together and has their own friends and the same type of interests and goals and who could love my kids and love me enough. Enough to be thoughtful, faithful, respectful and trustworthy.
I wonder if he is even out there. For ME I mean. Someone just for me or have I used up all my chances?? Is there really someone out there?? Is it really so much to ask for??
I have no possibilities at the moment. NONE! Not ONE! There hasn't been one real possibility.
I have (almost) joined the singles group at church. I really need to know how to go about this whole relationship thing in the first place. I need to finish reading "The Ten Commandments of Dating" and see exactly what that says.
Aghhh!!!! *&^%
I have a secret. I seen him last night. I wanted to last weekend and a friend "rescued" me in the nic of time and I went over to her house instead. I only told one person that I was on my way to see him.
Then yesterday I knew I was going to. I tried to fight it and I don't know why I had such the urge. I have had a down couple of days and I have so much blame on him. I wanted to cry with him since it is his fault and I wanted him to comfort me.
He did. I spent the night. I don't regret it today and I don't really know what is going on in my head or my heart with this.
It was like the old days on my dads front porch. The old guy. The one I fell in love with. Oxymoronic. Beautifully scary. Painfully comfortable. Good. Bad. Right. Wrong. Positive. Negative.
I have to make sure that I am careful. He has things to prove. I have faith, but I don't believe him. I hear his words and I love them, but I don't believe them.
Next time..... I watched the fights with him at his brother's house. We sat on the couch together it was sadly comfortable. I don't know if this is good for me or not. Probably not. I told him it would be awhile before I saw him again. There is no reason to during the week. We are not dating. I have my kids next weekend and would prefer that the whole entire clan didn't know anything just yet. He has wounds to heal with other's as well.
Out of six kids. I have three that think it is my business (two are way under age to even understand what the hell happened except that we broke up and he moved out) and I have three that would pretty much chastise me for even texting him regularly.... not two mention my two best est friends. He fucked up way bad this time. Ya this time like in more than once. Ugly, I know. Stupid, I KNOW. Forgiving??? Optimistic??? Hopeful??? Naive???..... ugh!! the saga continues..... as I am justagirl
9/9/08
What the F is wrong with me???!!! I sent him a dear john letter today- email. I have my suspicions that he is emailing an old girlfriend- Rachael to be exact. I should have no part of this... (i miss the little things, like you laying your head in my lap) what was I thinking?
I was thinking... that if he was starting to email her (I know what you are thinking, you are thinking that I am out running around and seeing all these girls and I'm not) and he knew that there was this possibility of a chance because he (loves me so much and misses me so much) that he would stop dead in his tracks and realize how much he really does love me and miss me and that he f'd up so badly that he has so much to do to (win me back and I know that I hurt other people as well) that he can't even think of another girl.
I was thinking.... that I am so very lonely that this is painful and he is comfortable and we could be friends until I thought something might be going on with someone else- even if it is just an "innocent" email or text. I don't believe in innocent and it sure as fuck didn't take me long to think something now did it???
When we were together and I thought something I didn't want it to be true and it was anyway. What makes me think things would be any different now when we are not even together???
I hate this. Now I feel lonely again and I didn't for that.... two days.... and I maybe feel that I want to take back the email... but I can't he's not good for me... like an addiction.... but I don't like to feel lonely and I can stop the feeling...... with just a text..... I do love him. I LOVE HIM. But I didn't do this to us HE DID (I took you for granted and I'm the one that pushed you away and for that I am sorry).....
He's sorry.... He's emailing someone else..... He will prove it to me... but he's emailing someone else...... (I think). I think that I know....
Maybe he has done so much damage that I can't be with him because I would be this crazy fool always wondering- NO THANK YOU VERY MUCH SAYS MY STOMACH, MY HEAD, I just couldn't take that. My heart says NO his is serious this time, really...... I can't take the pain....
9/10/08
So much for "shut 'er down mikey".... he called after the email... I heard his voice, I cracked. I'm weak. I'M WEAK I TELL YOU!!! WEAK!!!! wtf??!!
I want to believe him..... there's damage.....
Here we go...... again.....
9/15/08
I'm not sure about how this is going. My oldest daughter and middle son aren't talking to me. My oldest son is cordial, but talks shit about him behind his back. My middle daughter thinks it is no one else's business and the other two are just young. We hung out a bit this weekend. He came over and fixed a ceiling fan and spent the night and then we hung out some to watch football.
I want to believe him with all my heart, but there just may be too much damage and I can't take this with my family. They are hurting my feelings, BAD. I am the mother after all, not too bad of one, but not the child- this is MY life..... No??
10/14/08
The middle of the month.
I sent him another email this morning- kinda, sorta lining out my intentions.... that some day there will be no more texting or emailing. I don't know why I keep hanging on a little here and a little there.
I seen him again this weekend. It all felt like it was innocent enough. I had coupons for cigarettes. I told them about them a week or so ago.
To be honest, I really don't think I want to see him anymore. It is uncomfortable. And I think he thinks things.
Everytime we have gotten together (twice I think, actually), I have had something totally different in mind than what really happened.
I didn't want to see him when T came over with him. I was tired. I didn't want to drink. I didn't want company and I didn't stick up for myself as strongly as I should have.
I think, secretly, I wanted to see him. Just see him. But then she played cupid and I was mad at myself and mad at her.
I did have things to say to him, but I think..... when I went over and hung out with him that first night.... Im not sure what took place.
My intentions: were to go over cry at him, yell at him and just GET IT ALL OUT. I mean after all he is the one who hurt me and I needed him to know- like he didn't already know.
It went well. I didn't really get it all out, but the scenerio was happening as planned. He held me like I wanted and I cried a lot. Then when I should have went home (fateful error) I didn't. He took that as me wanting sex I think. I didn't. We did anyway. I mean it wasnt like I said "NO". He assumed and I let it happen.
I thought I would regret it the next day more than I did. I kinda didn't.- Oh and I guess it's been three times now that I've seen him.
He came over to fix something for me..... ahhh the ceiling fan. It's not like I didn't have the boys try, I did. It was just way more complicated for me and two stoned teenagers could manage!
Some of the kids were so upset with me that it pissed me off and I rebelled and he spent the night and the majority of the next day.
I sent him a "dear John letter" by email...... Then I (why oh why AGAIN do I do this to myself and why do I think this way??- F!N! STUPID OF ME!!!) I (as in ME, MYSELF) felt bad for doing it in away and made sure that HE didn't feel bad by texting a little and then it got to be more and more....."..... but a little wouldn't do it so a little got more and more...." (GNR you know).
Am I stupid?? So..... I had these coupons. I invited him to have pizza with me and the younger ones after church. It was okay. I had planned on taking him home from the pizza place.... was just going to give the coupons, eat, hang out and then take him home... I had things to do.
But, NO.... I invited him over. WHY? Not sure really. He did fix the flag pole for me ( love flags and used to hang those cutesy girlie ones for every change of the season and holiday- then it broke... while he lived here... I was even given one for Mother's Day... while he lived here....).
He also strung the weed eater, but it didn't last long and when I'd eaten 5 feet the string wouldn't come out anymore.....
So, we hung out and drank beer and I went to bed and proceeded to pass out, he came and I left the door open and the kids were in and out. I think he fell asleep for a bit and then he went home.
I wasn't looking for sex. I didn't want sex from him the last two times. SO WHY DO I KEEP DOING THIS???
I told him (in an email- Im a fucking coward, I KNOW) that this "healing" is going to take a long time. That it is only prolonging it by texting him and emailing him..... and that eventually it is all going to have to stop.... that is pretty much what I said.......
WTF is wrong with me to keep dragging this out so long. I know what is going to happen. The lonliness is going to set in and it is going to bring some hurt with it, AND HE WAS WRONG not me and he will find the girlfriend before I am ready to date and HE WILL HAVE SOMEONE AND I WON'T and that will hurt too and if not then I will feel guilty for having someone and he doesn't (not that THAT will happen).
I should have let sleeping dogs lie, when they were sleeping..... AND SUCKED IT UP like a big girl!
12/7/08
Ooops! I did it again. (Britany who?)- all these songs just keep coming to my mnd.
I really have to STOP texting! REALLY! I text and it seems innocent enough and then alcohol and an urge and then I control the urge BUT it is now in his head. A little email, a little suggestion. I say I think its not a good idea..... He invites me to his Christmas party..... I have mixed feelings.... I don't want to go, but I do want to go. Im not sure why I DON'T want to go and Im not sure why I DO want to go either..... no time to really ponder.....
Actually the night before I had only the younger kids who like him. I even called the big kids to make sure they had plans, like Im having an affair!!! He came over and ended up spending the nite. No sex.
Then he goes home. Then I go to the party. Then Im uncomfortable n he is trashed (happy trashed) and I have two beers and we leave. I feel bad that we are leaving he seems to be having fun. But he leaves with me anyway...... and we have sex.
12/09/08
The whole time I'm on my way to the party I am thinking that this is a mistake. But I continue on feeling already committed. He was drunk, happy drunk, not embarrassing- I guess they were all embarrassing so he fit in. On the way home it felt like it used too, so maybe it wasn't totally his actions, perse, at that particular moment as it was the whole deluge of memories that it was bringing back.
How he is (or at least used to be) drunk all the time and loud and embarrassing, so I didn't really give him a chance- NO not that he deserves any kind of chance, but I am the one that agreed to hang out with him for the party. I just couldn't put on the party face once I got there.
He is loud in the store in his happy drunk way with the F bomb dropping loud and clear with a few others. We get home and I certainly DON'T want to have sex with this drunk person, but I know he's been waiting and he looks at me with such pain in his eyes expecting the "no" and I just can't say know. We do and it's good as usual (and the Self Esteem song by Offspring pops into my head- not in the middle or anything, but just right now).
Then when he is gone the next day I am so very lonely for him that I just almost can't take it. I cry, I drink, I wonder WTF!
I want so bad to believe his words and for him to be back in my life again. I didn't think that I would ever be single again. I KNEW that he loved me and adored me and I wanted that and I loved him and here I am back on rocky ground again. Shoulda woulda coulda's. Go thru my head for every aspect of my life right now. I feel.... defeated sometimes.
I kinda know WTF actually. I thought about it and thought about it yesterday. I love being adored- he adores me with his words and his immediate actions when he is next to me. BUT you know- it seems to me that he always adored me with his words so I have to be careful with that. His words don't mean anything........
He swears he's changed, but I don't' see the change so I can't believe him. Im really not even 100% sure that he is not seeing other people from time to time even tho he swears that he is not.
It has been 6 months now. I think I should see a change. I really want to see a change, but I really don't see any change at all except the fact that there is a possibility that he is keeping his dick in his pants..... and if that is really the case, then why didn't he protest when I asked him to use a condom??? He wouldn't have needed one. He could have said so. "Look baby that really isn't necessary" he didn't.
12/24/08
This is mostly the "dating experience and the ex-boyfriend area". Im not dating right now. Im not in the mood (go figure!! I MUST be growing up!) and I don't have time. As for the "ex-boyfriend" I should really REALLY be over him before I am even thinking of dating!
I am, kinda sorta, mostly. I mean I don't want to be with him. I so want to believe his words, but I am treating this as a domestic violence kind of realationship in that- usually in those relationships he hits her, says he's sorry, he won't do it again, he does it again, and she leaves BUT this time he REALLY IS VERY SORRY AND REALLY WON'T EVER DO IT AGAIN- HE HAS LEARNED THIS TIME. But, I think there is a pattern in relationships like that.
Inlcuding mine. He had the internet moment- it didn't mean anything, he didn't realize it was wrong even tho- he lied and he hid it. If he didn't think it was wrong, why would you have to do that in the first place, it would be open for all to see then more of a "deer in the headlights look"- huh? you mean Im not supposed to talk to other girls on the internet. Really I didn't know, it was innocent, I mean look, it's out there in the open for all to see..... kind of thing, but that wasn't the way it happened. This was private chat rooms and shutting those down whenever my daughter walked by and then lying to me and then lying about the phone calls til I got the bill- like what??? I don't look at my bill?? But it was innocent you know....
Then there was "Tanya" which was a huge sexual thing, but I forgave him because of the tragedy of Corey. I kinda "thought" I knew what was going on in his head. The grief, the saddness, the need to take care of what was Corey's. She was coming on very strong and I think she wanted him to take Corey's place...... I think HE wanted to take Cory's place. We should have NEVER got back together at that point, EVER.
But, then to have a down right- behind my back kind of affair for a long period of time, with my daughter-in-law no less (who was not ever innocent in any of her relationships and we all knew this and knew what she was doing)......
So, now that he is moved out..... he is really REALLY sorry. This time he really REALLY means it. It won't EVER happen again.
No, I have to say that it won't ever happen again. There will be no chance for it to ever happen again.
I still have greif and we still text and a tiny piece of me (getting smaller and smaller as time goes on) wants to believe this time that I KNOW he has really really changed and would NEVER EVER do it again.
But, I hear his words and I really see no change in his life, so what is there to really REALLY make me think that this time he really, REALLY means it?? NOTHING, really REALLY!!
01/08/09
The last time that he came over and we slept together. I didn't even really want to and Im not sure why. Maybe I know that it is really over and why go thru the motions. I also thought that I would be the one hurting him.
But, that was not the case. I was pretty devistated for two days. I knew that I shouldn't have gone to the party in the first place. I didn't even want him to sleep in my bed.
I also thought I was tototally cool if we slept together. So, then after that I got to thinking about how hard it was going to be when he "found" someone else. More like when I find out that he "found" someone else. It's not like he is going to tell me.
After missing the twins (and a little sister) birthday party- I was invited- I never remember dates. Usually when I don't show up not only do I have him calling me and asking if I am coming, but I have his sister-in-law calling and asking where Im at.
Now, don't get me wrong, this NEEDS to happen and I really couldn't afford another mother fucking birthday in Decemeber, but to be lied to and deceived. Oh??? Is this something new?? Oh?? Am I really surprised?? WTF is wrong with me?? DUH!!
So, when Christmas rolls around Im thinking, hmmm when the fuck was that birthday?? So, Rachel DID go. I think I KNOW this in my heart of hearts.
I think it was confirmed this morning when I got an email from the sister in-law and it was also addressed to Rachel. They weren't even friends before, that I know of. She was over there once before and the sister-in-law was like "Im not even sure why shes here" (again DUH!). So, now all of the sudden they are email buddies.
Like I said it needs to happen, but why does he keep texting me and trying to deny it. Actually his words were "I haven't slept with anyone but you" since the last time he fucked up. But, he also told me.....
He is GREAT for this....... This is his "M-O".....
She is a Mormon, she wouldn't sleep with me (or something along those lines) NOT that he's NOT interested. The same as with Sperry..... I wouldn't fuck her she slept with a nigger. Not that "oh honey, I love you, Im faithful to you, I wouldn't hurt YOU like that" No not that. I knew right then he would sleep with her. He was never that faithful of a "skin" to pass up a young, pretty piece of ass. Oh and the Britanya thing.... "she's cool" "she's just a friend" AGAIN not, look honey, you're the one I love..... Stupid.
It was the same with Amberlie- I wouldn't do that she is Jeffrey's wife.
I DON'T want him. I haven't wanted him for a long time. Not even while we were still living together.
I mean I loved him, for what ever that means.
But, I was tired of supporting him. Tired of cleaning up after him. Tired of asking him to help around the house. Tired of him not fixing things with all his time off.
He is an alcoholic- an honest to goodness- shakes until a first drink- alcoholic.
He has no motivation to get divorced, they have been seperated for something like......10-12 years. She has lived in another state with NO contact with him for..... 6-8 years or more.
He has no motivation to get a better job. He would LITERALLY make more money working at McDonalds than he does right now doing what he is doing.
He has no motivation to get his drivers license. He has no car. He lives with his parents.
And thru all this (as I discovered after the Christmas party thing) that it is really going to hurt when he finally does 'fess up to seeing Rachel, if that is what is going on.
Besides a dyke that swings both ways and her- Im not too sure that there is anyone else that would want to even fuck him. Well, that's what everyone else tells me anyway.
But, if he can find all this ass while we are living together, what makes me think he still can't when he has no ties.....
I think he is stringing me along. uh oh, is this another DUH?? I guess it hurts to not be worth someones effort. ESPECIALLY his. I have this stupid theory.
I don't have much self worth. It has to do with that.
Why am I so attracted to tattoos and certain kinds of guys??
01/30/2009
Well I didn't hear from him texting- we just kinda quit- for a week. We still don't text, but he emailed me yesterday. Hi, how are ya, still need help with the dogs kinda thing.
Good. Nope. You?
Good. busy. moving.
That was it. I feel good about the situation. I'm a little lonely a lot of the time, but I am doing good.
I feel like I am really single. Not ready to date, but a single person. I'm o.k. with that.
04/09/2009 Passover. Put red around the doors to protect your first born.....
Well, I know that I slept with him once this year. I thought it was sometime in Jan, but I guess it had to be Feb. and it had to be after Valentines. We haven't talked since. He helped me move my mothers things from storage. I really did need the help. The first weekend it was me and Ben.
The next weekend it was me and Ben and then Rich came and helped with the couch AND Im not sure if he was there that day or not. I think yes. He came again the following weekend for sure and we got it all done! All of it.
He said that he quit texting because he seen a truck (the work truck that I drove home to move my moms stuff) and thought he would back off. I thought that was quite nice of him.
A couple of weeks later my car broke down and I drove a different work truck home and I kinda giggled at the thought- if he just happend to drive by or have someone else see it there. And then when Lorianne was here she had rented a red Mustang and she was there for a week and then traded it in for a white one.
My dad even stopped by to see who it was. Ha!Ha! We haven't text at all since the last time in Feb. I text him last weekend to see about the grill in my back yard. Im going to give it to my son. Then yesterday when my other son wanted his daughters phone number. But, that is it.
I was doing EXCEPTIONALLY well for a few weeks. Not looking at other guys really, not caring. having my own stuff to do.
Then all of the sudden- a little twinge, a little lonliness, a little checkin things out here and there- flirting....
I believe that I am not ready. I don't know for sure. I feel o.k., good actually. Maybe just a little impatient, aprehensive.
Im not even sure I would know what to do with a man except for sex. I want a real relationship this time. Not one based on sex. But, I don't know how to do that. And what is the difference if it starts out sexual and then goes from there or not??
I mean I was married for 13 years once and it started out as sexual and we would still be married if he wouldn't have been so dam mean and hurtful and angry. If I would have just been a little more worldly maybe, a little tougher....
Then I was married for 7 years (well 5 of them acutally living together married). That was also a sexual relationship, but he was so young I think. Hadn't really sown them wild oates.
But, Im also thinking....
I really don't want another broken heart.
I don't really want to date.
I just want to be in a loving, fun, satisfying, safe, beautiful, faithful, caring, honest, deep, fullfilling, worthwhile relationship! Someone who is comfortable to be around. Someone who enjoys being with me too and doing things together and has their own friends and the same type of interests and goals and who could love my kids and love me enough. Enough to be thoughtful, faithful, respectful and trustworthy.
I wonder if he is even out there. For ME I mean. Someone just for me or have I used up all my chances?? Is there really someone out there?? Is it really so much to ask for??
I have no possibilities at the moment. NONE! Not ONE! There hasn't been one real possibility.
I have (almost) joined the singles group at church. I really need to know how to go about this whole relationship thing in the first place. I need to finish reading "The Ten Commandments of Dating" and see exactly what that says.
Aghhh!!!! *&^%
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