Im justagirl.
He came over. Not too sure it was a good thing. I am the wronged one. Why oh why must I be the one to think on this?? I don't want to think on this. How can you fix WRONG?? VERY WRONG.
I am good. No sex for weeks now...... 15ish. Could figure out the exact day, but why?
I actually almost have no desire. Funny. Funny odd, not funny ha!ha!. I have thought about becoming celebate. For now. I need to think on things. What does celebate actually intale? And most importantly- for how long. Is it like fasting?? Can I be celebate until "X" amount of time? Is it day by day?
I seriously have things to fix in my life. Right now as I type my frige is leaking. Now NOT leaking as on the floor leaking- at least I don't see it or smell it, but I HEAR it, dripping, no more than dripping, like a faucette. I'm confused by this, stressed by this- is it going out? Is it going to cost me money? Is it going to make a mess? Is it going to smell- I extremely dislike bad smells. When am I actually going to have to deal with this...... @#$% Blah blah blah......
It is late. I had unexpected company. It took longer to get my kids into bed than anticipated. I am tired, but my head is reeling, as always. There is a commercial- a chicken and a blow dryer- only seen it once. Omigosh! Best ever! Only funny to us insomniacs! Have to try tho, huh?!!.....
The next time........
I got up a little late. Not too much 1/2 hour maybe. I haven't gone to the gym all week! I just have not been in the mood. It was o.k. with me because I hadn't drank either, but I did last night. Oh well. But, still no gym this a.m.
I think T was being sneaky in wanting us to get back together. I think I need to have a talk with her. There is no reasoning when she is drinking, but I would like to know what she is thinking when she is sober. I think I told her there is no way. Why would I do that to myself?? She usually agrees. Is time taking it's toll on her thoughts. I think it is not good for him to come over. I don't want him to think things. I don't want him to feel bad. I don't like to see him hurting, but I didn't do this to us and this is no "oops". This is some Jerry Springer shit and I so do not want to deal with it. Not only that, it's not like he was happy here the last few months anyway number one, and two.... his drinking is out of control, it was here and it is there now. He has no motivation to get a better job, to go to the gym, or do the things he likes- unless someone else pays for it. He acts like he is one of the teenagers. That is hard for me. I need A MAN! not someone else to take care of like a kid.
- now that he came over I am going to hear about it from the whole family because the kids seen him, talked with him, hung out with him.....
I have to get the kids up earlier today. They did miss the bus yesterday, but that was do to unusual circumstances. The night before we had this extremely wonderful thunderstorm! It was cracking and rolling and being mighty! I ended up with two kids and a cat in my bed! We were up for over an hour listening, talking, wondering. It got so crazy out that I had to let the dogs in! It sounded so very close like the lightning was landing in the back yard. It could be that the end room that I am in now (an add on) just makes things outside seem louder than in the rest of the house. It was still crazy cool!! I was glad of the fact that I had the kids in there and we got to "hang out" in the middle of the night!
-with that storm I also got my lawn watered!! Yea! Almost the first best part of the storm.
So anyway..... this bus driver stops in front of our house and honks twice letting them know that he is here and this is after his actual stop from up the street! I have NEVER had that nice of a bus driver before!!! Usually they are freakishly honery (see one time at band camp). So he stops and honks and I felt so very bad that he was so kind and patient. We had to wave him off. We all slept in and were running late.
-it got even later with the car having a flat tire to deal with first thing in the morning.
I was looking forward to a bbq this holiday weekend. Having company and all that jazz, but after last night I am a little leary.
I for sure will have the kids over and T was going to come to with T, but after last night I think she might want to bring J and then my son will most likely want to bring S and I don't want S over. I'm not sure that I want S over no matter who is coming. I know that J and S are friends and hang out and NO I don't know exactly what happened, but I do know that something happened and it doesn't make me feel very good since it was one of the things that I was concerned about when we were together. It may make it a little better that it happened after the breakup, but its not like I want a reminder of all that I used to think in my face! My son would definatly not want J over, but he should respect my shit and not bring S also. But she loves him- this is what I'm hearing.
-how about she loves him after his divorce.
Time to wake the kids a little early make sure they make it to the acutal bus stop on time! Need to figure out breakfast and dinner, check on the tire, feed the fish, take a shower and........
12/25/08 sometime much later.......
I usually don't write in this area. I usually write in my one that I have labeled for general purposes, because I usually have no agenda in writing, no real purpose, just write to get thoughts out of my head. Always thinking, thinking, thinking!
I acccidentally gave myself a gift this Christmas morning! I happened, yes just totally happened upon a website, that I thought was one thing and it was actually something very wonderful.
Its about women. The original topic was self esteem. Lately I am wondering if I am getting self esteem mixed up with self image. Confusing. But no matter.
I found something very profound on forgiveness. I have jotted it down and have taken some other notes:
Gifts: The gift of:
innovation-
self discipline- 15 to 21 CONSECUTIVE DAYS, and the satisfaction the comes from that alone lasts longer than any medical help (emotionally speaking, for me anyway).
determination- inner resolution, for me... finish school, get rid of the ex-boyfriend that you are kinda, sorta hanging on too. And that it is NOT A TIME LINE, it doesn't matter when you get it done as long as you DO GET IT DONE and are WORKING toward getting it done! and my favorite line in this whole area "tie up loose ends" and "clear up unfinished business"!!! Boy are those right up my alley or what??
Good will- like tithing and volunteering, like I used to, like I want to again!
Plesure-
forgiveness-
hope- as in "this to shall pass" Real hope is always accompanied by genuine actions, not passive wishful thinking, but determination and confidence.
These are all from an article by: Norka Blackman-Richards
-an educator, writer, full time ministers wife, sought after motivational speaker for women and president of 4 Real Women International, Inc.
my gift for me today this Christmas-
12/29/08
-Im in the "this to shall pass" mode this morning. I didn't think that Id written in this blog for awhile, but here is where I put what I was trying to think about- the being positve while I journal thing. The thing is I am desperately missing my kids and I am so fucking lonely that I can't stop crying this morning.
I didn't like being alone last night. I am bored when I am alone.
I went to church yesterday and journaled when I got home before the kids got dropped off by Debbie and Lloyd. Then when they were dropping them off they offered to take them to their dads. I was thinking that he would come and get them sometime today since I have to work. So, since he never really makes me meet him anymore to exchange them and he is (she is) always getting them from school and the Boys and Girls Club or dropping them off here- I thought why not? They picked them up at 6 (right on time).
We only had a short period of time to hang out, maybe like 3 hours. I am used to having everybody around ALL THE TIME. My life had been chaos for the last 3 years and just very busy and filled with tons and tons of kids for all the years before that.
We played that triangle game that I got from Cracker Barrel and we messed around with his Lincoln Logs (way harder than I thought). We were watching a movie when they got here and then..... I made margaritas, not a whole batch, I didn't want to feel like shit this morning. And then I did a little laundry and looked at my list of things that I want to do when I am alone and nothing really popped that I felt like doing -OF COURSE NOT- I played on-line poker and watched CSI.
Jason was at his brothers so I asked him to come by on his way home and pick up the present for his daughter.
I would consider hanging out with him, but he's always drunk. Nothing has changed.
I was thinking the other day.... I think that I journaled it somewhere on this blog, or it could be that I was just talking about what I was thinking to Jeannie, or who knows. But, I was thinking that I have to treat this Jason thing like a "battered woman" thing.
The first time it was just a little slap! You know, he's sorry- and it wasn't like it really hurt me (the internet girl thing) so I let it slide. Then (with Britanya) he beat the hell out of me. Bad. He moves out. He's sorry, we get back together. He slaps me around here and there (not caring about what was bothering me about Amberlie or Sperry). And then with Amberlie he beat the hell out of me again. But this time he is REALLY SORRY. Even his mom says so. You know the old saying- you don't know what you got til its gone..... that one. They both used that one on me. He really misses me and he crys and this time it will never happen again, this time. He just didn't know any better last time. He was self centered and only thinking of himself.......
Well, I am going to be home alone tonight too. I guess if I don't drink, and I START to clean something, I will get into the rythem. I acutally love to clean. Maybe Im just pouting because I am alone???
I looked at last week as a break. I had them over the weekend. Dad got them on..... hell it has been a week, I think on.... Friaday, they had a 1/2 day. So he had them Fri, Sat, Sun, Mon, Tues and Wed. I got them back on Thurs a.m. It was before Christmas. I had things to do. Shop, wrap, relax.
Then I had them a whopping Thurs, Fri, Sat, and some of Sun. and now not again until..... maybe wednesday night. I guess it depends on if they have plans for New Years Eve. I don't. Im not sure if I want plans. Garrett is having a party. I could go hang out at church. I bet Lisa and Pam are doing nothing, prob not Timber either.
Then, I will keep them for the weekend and SERIOUSLY thank you God that school is back in and things will be back to normal.
I was even crying this morning, which I shouldn't do (do not worry about tomorrow, today has enough problems of its own- kinda thing. I think Matthew) about this summer and them being gone ALL SUMMER LONG. I can't hardly handle two partial weeks. WTF?? If I don't get ahold of myself now, I am going to be a basket case!!
What the FUCK do single people do when they live alone??? They can't have that many chores. They probly have money. Id go shopping, but Im poor. Im really gonna be poor this summer when I lose my child support. All of this is happening so fast. GET A GRIP WOMAN!!
I have to take up jogging or something. Will I have time for school? That is one of my major goals to finish (complete something). Can I even handle school? Maybe a summer class will be good for me and give me tons of homework and I won't have kids that I feel I am neglecting...... hmmmm.... Ive been thinking about it, but I am so f'n lazy lately, no motivation whats so ever. I have no faith in me to accomplish anything at all. NONE! ZILTCH! Not to go back to school, not to get in shape, not to lose any weight, not to accomplish one single goal that I have.
WHY NOT?? Am I so fucking lazy?? I don't remember being lazy before. Am I depressed? I mean I have been thru that my whole life and I DON'T handle change well at all. I bet that is it. But, I DON'T WANT TO TAKE MEDS!!! I DON'T! I DON'T! I DON'T!!
I can do this. I can get thru this.
Besides, I drink too much and what would I take??? There are so many things out there. Would they diagnose me properly or just take my word for it that Im depressed and prescribe me..... what? What it was I took before? Would it work the same as before? I don't have time to see a counselor twice a month and for them to take..... however long to figure out what my problem is and then give me meds that will take a month to kick in and meanwhile.... no alcohol at all????
Uh NO!
Im working on that one. I have cut back. Now, I just have to decided when I drink, why am I drinking. That is where the problem would lie. Right now?? Out of total and complete BORDOM. I usually drink alone, at home, by myself. No, I don't really prefer that, but Im not into getting a DUI. I can't afford to drink AND get a taxi.
Excuse after excuse, until I get tired of my excuses. Im not an alcoholic by any means, just an abuser. Just the same as when I was doing meth. Not a methhead or an addict, just an abuser, albeight chronically at times, but just the same.
That was different. I was punishing myself (the self destructive part of me), besides I couldn't keep doing that. I had to get over my heartache, get a job and be able to pass a piss test. Alcohol is so widely more accepting. Not illegal, readily available at any Circle K, or grocery store. Just different.
Did yoga this morning in what will hopefully be the 1st of my 21 consecutive days. I think I pulled a muscle in my shoulder tho.
Missed the blue garbage can man this morning. Hope its not too full.
Am wearing new clothes that I got, shopping, after Debbie and Lloyd picked up the kids.
I only have myslef to get ready this morning.
It is a short week due to the New Year.
I have already been starting to implement some of my new goals.
NOW, if I will only stick with them and move forward.....
This week.... yoga every single morning and making my bed. Not too much to ask of myself. Everything else is just a bonus.
Can I handle just that much????
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