and another long weekend.... gone

Here it is... Tuesday. And once again, I have got to stop drinking. And Im really thinking stop all together! Mostly it bothers me because of my weight- I won't ever lose anything if I keep drinking, at least the way that Im drinking. I didn't feel so well when I got up on Monday. I didn't get anything done that I needd too. I hate that!

I had bad dreams again. There was this car sitting outside this glass door in a parking spot (our house, but not our house). We (dont know who all "we" is) lived right by work (which was located outdoors) I was walking by to go the the "other house" that was above a bar, or garage or something and had to stop and help a customer with a paint color.

I had this preminition on the way back to the original house- this car- I had weird flashing visions and I didn't really see anything, but I felt there was going to be something bad that happend in that car to a child, there would be blood.

I was totally freaked out and didn't want anyone to take the car. I was thinking that my kids weren't allowed to get in that car and go anywhere.

I remember it was small and dark like Jen and Corey's, but it was green- almost black green.

Why am I having these bad, vivid dreams?? That is like two or three nights in a row!

I was going to write yesterday morning, but I had a headache at first and then Adi and Aaron were up and I thought I would write after they left, but I got on the computer and messed around and played some poker and really didn't feel like writing.

I started on my purple flower. It is ugly, so far anyway. Ive decided that I have white house paint and if I really dont like it when Im done, I will paint over it and start all over.

The last time I wrote I posted another bad dream. I acutally think there might have been two in one, but one for sure, I think anyway, I didn't write about. I dreamed that I was in a car with Adi and Aaron and a monsoon started coming in fast and then there was hail- which is NOT normal here in the summertime and then it started to snow and I was thinking the end of the world was here and I knew for sure tornados were coming next and I got Jen on the phone and I was headed out to her, but then she was already headed to me and I needed to get to Jeffrey and Ben and then I woke up.... wierd. All these weird bad dreams are gonna start making me nervous!

The bar b q went well on Sunday. Paula didn't bring her guy friend with his son. I was a wee bit dissapointed, but then she made the comment that he'd had some kind of surgery and his stomach was "an open wound and oozing like Jason's arm did with the tattoo" Ewww. So, then I had this mental picture of this over weight truck driver and Paula and I dont have the same taste in men anyway. So, whew!

And I thought oop he's not the right one for me. I think God is looking out for me because Im weak!

I even thought about Mike yesterday for a very VERY fraction of a split second and then I noticed there was a text from him wanting to meet me for a drink. Uh no thanks. I sure dont' want to open that can of worms. He is a pig and is out for nothing but sex.

That is definately not what Im looking for in a guy. LOL!!! I don't know what Im looking for. Actually, I don't really think that Im looking at all.

Im not ready yet. Maybe by next summer. I want to be in better shape. I keep saying that! I want new carpet and new (to me) furniture. I want my backyard done- at least the cleaned shed part and the back porch part- and I am working hard to get those done!!!

I just don't want my house to be embarrassing! I want it to at least look like a responsible adult lives here! I let things go for far too long!! Im working on it!!

Not on me tho. I think I am going to give it a shot again this morning tho..... the working on me thing. Hop on the eliptical, do a few sit ups. I just read slow sit ups for me until I build my stomach muscles up and then use the ball so I don't hurt my back. So Tuesday, Thursday ..... Sunday sit ups. Monday, Wednesday , Friday yoga???? Hmmmm.... I wish I had motivation to really do it and stick to it!

I have dishes to do this morning too- a clean house always takes precidence!!

I miss my kids already! Ben came home last night, otherwise I think I was just going to sleep on the couch until I got uncomfortable.

Our lives are changing again...... here it is summer with new routines, but then when the fall comes it will be so much different than before!! The kids have been going to Burke now for.... well since the twins were in 3rd grade, so, 10 years, every fall I drive to that school and now this year they will be going to a different school and my routine and the people and the scenery will be so differernt! Plus I will go back to school and the twins... a lot to take in for someone who doesn't do good with change. I hope I can handle this!!

Adi in nervous and I am nervous for her and for me!! Breathe.... need to take this summer and breathe!

I don't want to go back to work today. I want to stay home and do dishes and finish up what I can in the shed before the black dumpster is full again- I worked in the back yard some on Saturday and it is almost full already, but I got a lot (it feels like) done on the porch, so....

Here it is 6:16. I have to do mostly the big pans this morning for sure, feed the dogs, turn on the water for the trees, excercise(?) and shower.

Well I guess with a long weekend comes a short week, right? A paid one even!

Im feeling in the dumps today from all the alcohol. I wish I had support to help me remember when at that crucial time just before I open a beer why I dont want to drink!! I just don't stop and think of the consequences like I should and then remember that I want to limit myself!! And I have all this beer left over!!

Time to do something! Anything at all.....